All or nothing
by Soapfiction85
Summary: The return of Lorraine Donnegan. Please review, even if you don't like. I won't update without knowing people are reading. :) x
1. Chapter 1

I look at my reflection one more time. Nervously studying myself from head to toe. Face perfectly made up, hiding any evidence that I'd been tossing and turning all night, anxious about today. I swallow hard as my stomach churns. My hair is perfectly curled falling down my back with a few curls cascading to the front of my shoulders. Maybe it looks too perfect, like I'm trying too hard? I pull my fingers through it to loosen the curls a bit. Yes I'd spent a lot of time getting ready, put a lot of effort in but I didn't want other people to know that. One person in particular. I don't try. Not for anyone. Especially not someone who has ignored my messages since the last time I saw her. I paint one more coat of red onto my lips. Painting on a smile, showing I'm happy. On the outside at least… I step into my high heels and instantly feel more confident. I'm Lorraine Donnegan. I can do this. I can do anything.

Nikki sits in the staffroom staring into her steaming mug of coffee. Holding it close to her face. Hoping the steam will give her some colour.

"Oh you look how I feel!" A voice giggles as she feels someone sit down next to her. It takes all of Nikki's strength to turn her head to shake her head at Lola. Lola didn't look rough, she looked like her normal stunning self. Naturally beautiful, Lola wouldn't look out of place on the cover of a magazine. Olive skin, big beautiful brown eyes framed with thick curled eyelashes, the kind that could flutter their way out of anything and perfectly shaped pink lips surrounding glossy white teeth. Her shiny brown hair showing hints of blonde as the sun met it through the staff room window.

"This is all your fault. You're a bad influence, Lola!" Nikki let out a small groan. Directed more towards herself than Lola. Disappointed with herself for feeling so hungover.

"You love it." Lola teased. Her tongue gently poking between her teeth as she giggled playfully.

"I don't love the fact I have to interview for a new business studies teach, in this state. How unprofessional am I? Good job Christine's away." Nikki massaged her temples.

"You'll be fine." Lola reassured Nikki gently squeezing her hand but leaving it lingering on top of Nikki's for a bit longer than intended. "Anyway, I better get to class. They won't teach themselves will they?" Lola blushed. She looked really cute when she blushed. Making Nikki just want to wrap her arms around her and protect her. But she didn't. Instead just smiling up at Lola appreciatively.

"No. No they won't. Unfortunately." Nikki laughed. "See you at lunch?"

"Of course." Lola beamed a bit over enthusiastically. Unsuccessfully hiding that it was her favourite part of the day. This didn't go unnoticed by Nikki who gave a small wink. God, Lola was a breath of fresh air. No games, no trying to figure her out and most importantly she was emotionally available.

Nikki watched Lola leave the staff room with a small smile. Already looking forward to seeing her again at lunch.

Lorraine sat in her car nervously tapping her steering wheel as she looked up at the Waterloo Road sign on the front of the school. All different kinds of emotions fighting each other to be felt. Sadness, happiness, love, regret, shame... All hitting her like a train. She took a deep breath.

"Get a grip, Lorraine." She poised herself and stepped out of her car. Gaining confidence with each step closer towards the entrance of the school. She stopped for a second when she reached the place where she'd last seen Nikki. Nikki's small voice repeating "Ancient history" going round and round in her head. She shook it off and continued to walk into the school muttering "We'll see about that."


	2. Chapter 2

Nikki forced a smile and shook hands with the last hopeful candidate.

"Thanks for coming in. I'll be in touch." Nikki lied. She wouldn't be in touch. Not with any of the people she'd seen. They all looked good on paper but they lacked passion. Something she had found to be essential when it came to the kids at Waterloo Road. Business studies was going to be challenging enough for the pupils without being taught by a lack lustre teacher.

Her hangover wasn't helping either. She felt awful. Despite the interviews all being unsuccessful she was glad they were over, she couldn't bare to sit and put on an act, trying to not appear hungover had made her feel even worse. She sighed down into her chair. Relaxing for the first time that day.

There was a knock on the door, well more of a tap of false nails against the wood.

"Yes Sonya?" Nikki rolled her eyes. Annoyed that she couldn't even get one minutes peace.

The door opened slowly and Sonya stuck her head through it.

"Hiya... Erm I was just wondering if I could send the last candidate in?" Sonya looked nervous.

"What do you mean? I've seen them all." Nikki held up all the files of each candidate Sonya had clumsily dropped onto her desk earlier that morning.

"Yeah... But there's one more. It's just there wasn't erm... There wasn't a file for this one. It's a bit complicated." Sonya bit her lip. She knew she shouldn't have let herself be talked into this. Nikki looked annoyed.

"For Gods sake Sonya just send them in!" Nikki had no energy to argue.

Sonya nodded and opened the door fully, stepping aside to let the candidate in. Nikki straightened up in her chair.

"Nikki... Hi" a soft voice passed Sonya and entered the office.

Nikki kept her eyes on her desk as her stomach flipped at the sound of the familiar voice. The voice she used to crave. Her nostrils filled with the scent she'd recognise anywhere, the scent that would excite her when she'd smell it in the dreary corridors... Then she looked up and took a deep breath as she took in the vision in front of her. The woman who could clearly still take her breathe away.

Lorraine stood watching Nikki. She found it hard to read what was going through her mind. She wished she'd look into her eyes, or say something to break this awkward silence.

"It's not like you to be lost for words..." Lorraine laughed nervously. Dropping her guard. Wide vulnerable eyes begging to be looked into. Biting on her bottom lip.

"Sorry. Erm. Just a bit of a shock that's all." Nikki forced a smile and made eye contact for the first time. "What are you doing here?"

Lorraine's heart sank. It's not like she was expecting Nikki to rush over and throw her arms around her but she'd at least wanted a genuine smile. And had hoped to see the look in Nikki's eyes she'd missed so much. The silent understanding between them. The look they'd never talk about but they both knew. They wanted each other. That was gone & in its place was a cold, professional glare. Not unfriendly but not what Lorraine was used to. Nikki was looking at her the same way she'd look at anyone and it brought Lorraine's guard right back up.

"Well I would have messaged you but not sure they were getting through?" Lorraine raised an eyebrow sarcastically. Only half joking.

"I just thought a clean break, you know? Would erm.. Do us both good."  
Nikki gulped feeling a pang of guilt.

"Forget it" lorraine waved her hand dismissively and sat down in the chair opposite Nikki. "Ancient history, right? Although those words still pierced through Lorraine's chest with the same force as when Nikki had said them, Lorraine did well to hide it and just stared right back at Nikki. Mirroring her cold, in-personable glare. "So come on then Nik."

Nikki looked confused.

"You gonna interview me then or what?" Lorraine laughed, blue eyes twinkling playfully.

"You're here for the job? You can't be serious!" Nikki laughed a bit too hard for Lorraine's liking and she quickly lost her smile. Her perfectly shaped eyebrows furrowing.

"Sorry it's just... You haven't got any-"

"What? Qualifications?" Lorraine cut her off. Like she'd been preparing to be challenged on that.

"Well yeah. I mean I don't mean to offend but..." Nikki spoke softly.

"It's business studies. Business is what I'm about and believe me I know more about it than some stoner teach it properly you need to have passion for it. The fire in your belly. Experience. You found that person yet?" Lorraine had clearly practised this.

"Well no but..." Nikki shrugged, still unconvinced.

"I care about this and I miss this place."

Lorraine leaned forward slightly towards Nikki and looked directly into Nikki's eyes. Her voice almost a whisper. "Come on. You know me, Nik.."

Nikki blushed slightly. She knew Lorraine meant in a professional manner but she could have sworn she'd seen something flash in the blue of Lorraine's eyes. Bringing all too familiar feelings rushing back. The feelings that had taken her months to get over. It had almost killed her but she knew it was the only way. Nikki shook her head. No. She wouldn't let Lorraine do this to her again. No way. She coughed sat back on her chair and away from Lorraine.

"Ok... Let's do this then." Nikki forced a smile and picked up her interview questions.

Lorraine sighed and sat back in her own chair. Annoyed she was having no effect whatsoever on Nikki. Realising she was totally over her. Ancient History, for sure


	3. Chapter 3

THANKYOU FOR ALL THE LOVELY FEEDBACK. LOVE IT.

Lorraine sat answering all of Nikki's questions calmly & professionally. She had clearly prepared for anything Nikki had to throw at her. Nikki didn't make eye contact with lorraine once during the during the interview glancing from her questions to just above Lorraine's head. Keeping her nerve, the only way she knew how, to pretend like it wasn't the woman she'd missed so much sitting in front of her. Just another candidate she kept telling herself. Just. Another. Candidate.

Lorraine's POV  
God look at her. How could I have been so stupid. There's no way her heart is beating as fast as mine. It can't be. She's so distant. So professional. So over me. I wish she'd look me in the eye. I wish she'd come around the desk and stroke my hair. I wish those lips would be on mine instead of asking me question after question... Oh they've stopped moving... She's tilting her head to one side and looking at me expectantly... well above my head. She must've asked me something. Shit what was it?

"So?" Nikki shrugged with a polite smile. Oblivious to the thoughts running through Lorraine's mind. The thoughts making her cheeks flush.

"Sorry. I erm..."

"Wasn't listening?" Nikki laughed quietly. Her tongue touching her teeth for a slight second. Making Lorraine's stomach flip. "I asked, what sets you apart from everyone else I've seen today?"

Lorraine opened her mouth. Lots of thoughts threatening to escape... Like, The fact you once trusted me, looked up to me even... Loved me. Instead she sighed. Lowering her voice slightly. "Oh come on Nik..."

Lorraine raised her head slightly. If Nikki was refusing to make eye contact, she would do it. She swallowed hard as Nikki's blue eyes softened slightly. Lorraine hardly wanted to blink, she wanted to stay looking into Nikki's eyes. Scared that if she broke this connection, she didn't know how long it would be before she'd get it again. Nikki tore her eyes away and looked at her hands nervously resting on her desk. She cleared her throat.

"That was weird wasn't it?" Nikki half laughed. Eager to fill the silence lingering between them.

Lorraine's brows furrowed slightly. Her heart sank as she thought Nikki was referring to the look in Lorraine's eyes. Was she not as good at hiding her desperation for Nikki's attention after all?

"That. Me interviewing you. Me being in control. Just weird. Different." Nikki shrugged.

"I wasn't always in control. Not in every aspect of us... Not away from this place..." Lorraine raised her eyebrows with a smile.

"Well thats true." Nikki couldn't help but laugh. Relaxing finally.

"Well well Miss Boston. I finally managed to get a smile." Lorraine laughed. Automatically dropping her hand on the desk towards Nikki. Unintentionally brushing Nikki's hand slightly.

"Hey Nikki I-" Lola burst through the office door. Nikki quickly pulled her hand away from Lorraine. "Oh sorry, I thought you'd be finished by now." Lola smiled apologetically.

"No no. It's fine. We've just finished." Nikki stood up and rubbed her hands on her pants nervously. Lorraine looked from Nikki to Lola and back at Nikki again. There it was. The look she'd been waiting for. The look of desire and lust. But it wasn't directed at her. It was just for Lola. Lorraine suddenly felt like she was in the way. Instantly taking a dislike to Lola. Jealousy burning away in her stomach, rising up to her throat making her feel like she could vomit.

Nikki held her hand out to shake Lorraine's. urging her to stand up too.

"I'll be in touch." Nikki's voice was once again professional, in-personable and far too rushed. Lorraine hated it.

"Okay. Well. You've got my number." Lorraine held Nikki's hand for longer than necessary. Squeezing it slightly.

Lorraine walked passed Lola looking her up and down quickly, head held high, heels clicking. Hoping Nikki was watching her leave. Knowing she wasn't, but still hoping she was. Lola closed the door behind her.

Sonya quickly jumped up excitedly. "So... How did it go?"

"Who's that?" Lorraine completely ignored the question and pointed into Nikki's office.

"Oh I didn't see anyone go in. I was making a brew... Probably Lola. She comes everyday about this time to go to lunch with Nikki. Was she dead pretty?"

"Not really no." Lorraine lied. She was far too pretty for Lorraine's liking.

Sonya rushed to peek through the blinds. "Yeah it's Lola. You don't think she's pretty, sis? I do. I think she's-"

"Alright Sonya. I get the message." Lorraine cut her off. "Wanna go get some lunch?" Lorraine softened her voice. Feeling slightly guilty for causing the hurt puppy look on her little Sisters face.

"Aw I can't. Got a hot date!" Sonya winked. "Actually I better go. Don't wanna be late. I'll call you later babe. Tell me all about your interview then"

With that, Sonya was gone. Leaving Lorraine alone. More alone than shed ever felt. She needed a drink and she needed to get away from that office. Away from Nikki and Lola. Try and work out how she was going to get around this massive obstacle in her plan. Lola shaped obstacle. She headed to the nearest pub.

"Let's get out of here today, yeah?" Nikki forced a smile.

"Course. You ok?" Lola frowned.

"Yeah yeah. Just fancy hair of the dog. And I don't think my hangover will be made any better with anything Maggie has to offer up in the canteen. Pub?" Nikki picked up her jacket and Lola followed her out. To the nearest pub.


	4. Chapter 4

Lorraine sat at the bar swilling the white wine around in her glass. Re-running the interview over & over in her mind. Wishing she was a little braver. Wishing she'd have just told Nikki how much she'd missed her and how much she regretted everything. But she didn't. Of course she didn't because she's not brave. Also would there have been any point? Nikki has obviously moved on. Lorraine couldn't help but feel angry about this. She wanted Nikki to be happy but she also wanted to be the one putting the smile on her face and she hated not getting her own way. She shook her head and downed the rest of the wine in the glass.

"Alright gorgeous? Can I get you another?" A handsome man had quickly appeared next to Lorraine at the bar as if he'd been watching & waiting to deliver this line as soon as she finished her drink. He was a typical business man. Designer suit, slicked back hair & far too snazzy tie. The kind of guy Lorraine always attracted unwanted attention from.

"No. No you can't." Lorraine didn't even look at him.

"Go on... It's a shame to see-" He started again inching closer to her.

"Seriously don't bother. You're wasting your time here." Lorraine waved a hand dismissively. Finally turning to look at the humiliation on his face. Standing there speechless clearly not used to hearing no. "You can go now." She smiled. She didn't enjoy being rude but from experience she'd learned this was the only way to get rid. He quickly scurried off back to his table.

Lorraine ordered another drink and sat with her head in her hands, trying desperately not to attract any more attention. Even men reminded her of Nikki, she'd sit comparing them to her, how wrong it felt with them made her realise exactly how right it had been with her. All those years of doubting herself, all those ignored questions all answered by one woman. Her woman. Nikki. But she didn't want to think about Nikki right now. She didn't want to think about anything. She just wanted to drink. Which was inconvenient as she could have sworn she heard Nikki laugh behind her. Although this happened a lot. She was always thinking she'd caught a glimpse of her in a crowd but it was never her. Just wishful thinking. She didn't turn around. Thinking she was just imagining it. Until she felt a warm presence next to her.

"A pint and an orange juice ta." Nikki nodded towards the barman.

Lorraine held her breath as if that would suddenly make her invisible. Nikki felt this and turned to see Lorraine looking a little shocked.

"Lorraine. Can I get you a drink?" Nikki stuttered as Lola joined them. Lorraine couldn't hide the hurt she felt in her chest from her face as Lola put her hand so naturally on Nikki's shoulder. Like she'd been doing it all her life.

"No thank you." Lorraine quickly looked away and down at her drink. She might not be invisible but right now she wished Lola was. She also wished tears weren't threatening to fall. Made more confident & loose by the fact she'd had wine on an empty stomach and so early in the day.

"Hey. I'm Lola. We didn't get properly introduced before." Lola beamed totally unaware that her voice was going right through Lorraine. Nikki shuffled awkwardly foot to foot.

"Lorraine Donnegan." Lorraine didn't bother to look up from her drink. Maybe if she stared hard enough it would suck her in and drown her?

"Oh my... Seriously? You're THE Lorraine Donnegan. I've heard so much about you!" Lola gushed. Annoyingly.

Lorraine shot a questioning look at Nikki. Had she told Lola about them? Had the two of them been laughing about it as they snuggled together in Nikki's office after she had left? As if hearing Lorraine's silent panic, Nikki shook her head and held her hands up defensively.

"Nik, why didn't you say earlier?" Lola playfully hit Nikki on the arm while Lorraine wanted to actually hit Lola in the annoyingly pretty face. Only she could call Nikki, Nik. Didn't sound right coming from this stranger. With her hand still resting on the shoulder she used to lay on. Lorraine gritted her teeth and silently reminded herself that Nikki wasn't hers anymore. She was someone else's and it's all her own fault.

"I look up to you so much. I've read all about you and heard so much from the students and teachers. Nikki, you know how much I've wanted to meet her. Can't believe you didn't tell me!" Lola was talking far too fast and Nikki looked embarrassed. All of a sudden Lorraine held her head up, confidence restored and relished in once again having the upper hand.

"Do you want to come and join us for lunch? I've loads of business ideas, I'd love to pick your brains!" Lola was already pulling a tatty notebook out of her bag.

"No. I wouldn't. I'm far too busy to entertain a fangirl I'm afraid." Lorraine smirked. Maybe it was jealousy, maybe it was the wine but she enjoyed being the one to cause the humiliation on Lola's face.

"Oh ok. Sorry. Erm... Well hopefully there'll be a lot more opportunity to discuss. Nik would be mad not to hire you." Lola was still being nice. This grated on Lorraine even more and she just rolled her eyes as Lola walked over to find a table. Leaving Nikki and Lorraine alone.

"Lorraine, that was really rude you know?" Nikki shook her head angrily. Looking down on Lorraine.

"Yeah well. That's me isn't it?" Lorraine tried unsuccessfully not to slur her words. Wine suddenly gone straight to her head.

"Apparently so." Nikki looked Lorraine straight in the eyes.

Lorraine stood up. Face inches away from Nikki's.

"Sorry." Lorraine whispered. She wasn't sorry about Lola. They both knew she was apologising for everything else. The way she'd them up. Nikki looked from Lorraine's softened eyes, that only she ever got to see, to her lips. For a moment, Lorraine thought about closing the achingly small distance between them.

"Nikki babe. We gonna order?" Lola shouted over making Nikki step away from Lorraine.

"I better go..." Nikki swallowed hard. Looking confused. Lorraine wasn't confused. She smiled as Nikki walked off. She'd seen it in her eyes. There was still a chance for them. Lola was no longer an obstacle. She was a second rate version of herself.

"Speak to you soon, Nik!" Lorraine shouted over to their table. Emphasising 'Nik' hoping Lola realised how much better it sounded coming from her. Lorraine smiled as she felt Nikki's eyes follow her as she left the pub. An extra swing to her hips as her curls bounced confidently.


	5. Chapter 5

**THANKS SO MUCH. I don't deserve all the lovely feedback but I do like it...so don't stop. ;)**

Lorraine kicked off her heels and sunk into her oversized sofa running one hand through her blonde curls and frantically scrolling through messages on her phone with the other. It had been a week since the interview and Nikki still hadn't been in touch. Lorraine had left the pub confidently thinking she had caught Nikki's attention again. Day by day that confidence was vanishing, just like the look in Nikki's eyes had. Lorraine had very nearly called Nikki, she'd even called Sonya to casually check if she'd hired someone else. She hadn't. So why hasn't she been in touch? Why wasn't her heart aching like Lorraine's was? Why hadn't she too felt the flames of desire in the pit of her stomach that were keeping Lorraine awake at night? Maybe Lorraine was underestimating Lola. Maybe she and Nikki were serious. Maybe Nikki was finally over her. Maybe she'd well and truly fucked it up. Like she always did. So consumed in thoughts of Nikki, Lorraine hadn't realised tears were streaming down her face. She threw her phone across the room and lay on the sofa, hands resting gently under one of her cheeks. She'd given up. Tired of waiting and angry at letting someone have this effect on her, she sobbed herself to sleep.

Nikki sat in her office, holding her phone. She scrolled through to the name 'Babe' and quickly changed it to 'Lorraine Donnegan'. Tutting at herself. How ridiculous had she been to put her in as that? Lorraine would never be anyone's. She was far too selfish to love anyone else. Far too consumed in her businesses and material possessions. Nikki had just been a pawn in her pathetic war with Michael. These are the only memories Nikki allowed in her head about Lorraine... Not the secret softness in her eyes that she kept only for Nikki, not the way her lips parted slightly as she invited Nikki's to meet them, not the way her messy bed hair was the sexiest thing she'd ever laid eyes on... NO. She silently chastised herself and jumped slightly as Christine burst into the office.

"You ok?" Christine frowned seeing the upset on Nikki's face.

"Yeah. Just tired." Nikki lied.

"Tell me about it. We are far too short staffed Nikki. Did you hire anyone for Business Studies yet? I'm hoping to get them to help out in other areas too." Christine babbled on.

"I told you. Lorraine was the only one suitable..." Nikki trailed off.

"So phone her. I've said, it's not a problem. Besides... Might be nice to reverse roles. She'll have no say in the school. It's our way now, Nikki." Christine smirked as Nikki cringed. She didn't want Christine thinking she had the upper hand over Lorraine. She didn't want anyone to... She swallowed hard convincing herself she only felt the need to protect Lorraine because of how much she'd done for her. Protected her when Christine wasn't her number one fan.

"Seriously. Call her." Christine stood over Nikki looking at her phone.

"I'll do it in a bit. Just got some stuff to catch up on first." Nikki lied. She didn't want to call Lorraine in front of Christine.

"Make sure you do." Christine nodded with her most authoritative voice. Nikki just forced a smile back and sighed with relief when she was out of sight. God she was annoying.

Nikki took a deep breath and scrolled down to Lorraine... Hovering slightly on 'Lola' first. Smiling sadly. Feeling a slight pang of guilt. She hasn't told Lola about Lorraine. She hadn't really thought there was a point. Especially when she realised how much Lola looked up to her. If Nikki had told Lola then she might not have spoken about Lorraine so much... Asked as many questions... Giving Nikki an excuse to gush about all of Lorraine's achievements... Nikki shook her head. She didn't like talking about Lorraine. She only did it to please Lola... Obviously.

Lorraine stirred slightly as her phone vibrated on the wooden floor beneath the sofa she was lay on. The ringing getting louder and louder. She jumped off the sofa, her bare feet slapping against the cold wooden floor as she ran across the room to grab her phone. Just wanting the ringing to stop, her head banging from sobbing, she quickly answered it without even looking at the screen.

"Hello" Lorraine croaked sleepily. A bit disappointed by the whisper that had come out, not reflecting the anger she felt at being woken up from the first sleep she'd had in ages.

"Hey. Sorry did I wake you?" Nikki sounded worried. Her stomach flipping at the sound of Lorraine's sleepy voice. Not because it reminded her of when they used to wake up together. Of course not. Just because maybe she was worried that Lorraine would be annoyed by the wake up call... Or nerves. She'd never hired someone before. Yeah that's probably what the butterflies are about. Nikki silently lied to herself.

"Nikki? Hi" Lorraine smiled. For the first time in a week she smiled. Nikki heard this from the other end of the phone. "How are you?" Lorraine was still smiling.

"Yeah good. I'm really good thanks. You?" Nikki's voice was soft, caring and familiar. Maybe she found it easier over the phone. Lorraine wondered. Still smiling.

"I'm good. You?" Lorraine rolled her eyes. Embarrassed.

"We already did me.." Nikki laughed. Blushing slightly as she heard it out loud.

"We did indeed." Lorraine lowered her voice seductively making Nikki's heart nearly pound out of her chest. Shocking her into remembering to keep things professional.

"Erm... I'm, I'm calling up to offer you the job." Nikki cleared her throat. "I mean if you still want it. You might have changed your mind or had something big go off in one of your businesses or seem sense and realised that-"

"-Nikki?" Lorraine cut her off. "I'll see you Monday." And with that Lorraine hung up. She had an outfit to plan, pampering to do and a woman to win back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for reading. Love you.**

Nikki sat opposite Lola in the pub. Nikki, playing with the food on her plate, while Lola talked over enthusiastically about something. Nikki didn't even know what she was talking about. She hasn't listened to a word she'd said since they got there.

It was Sunday afternoon and this had become a regular thing, Nikki and Lola would go for a walk and then go to the pub for dinner. It has become Nikki's favourite part of the week. But not today. Today she'd just wanted to stay at home worrying herself sick about Monday morning. She knew it wasn't fair on Lola to cancel though. She'd already been so understanding towards Nikki. Nothing had progressed further than a kiss, cuddle and holding hands as they strolled through the scenic Greenock. Not for the want of Lola trying, for someone so giggly and cute, she was very confident in knowing what she wanted. Nikki liked that about her. It's just Nikki wasn't about to rush into anything. Not again. Sex fucks everything up. Lola hadn't pushed or pressurised Nikki when she'd explained. Nikki had never said it was Lorraine but she explained how her ex had been emotionally unavailable and pushed her away. Nikki wasn't about to do the same to Lola and so had turned up to the date. In body anyway... Her mind was very much on other things despite her best efforts to put Lorraine to the back of her mind. Angry with herself for undoing all the hard work she'd done getting her out of her head completely. Lorraine was hard work and too unpredictable. Nikki didnt need that in her life but Lola was everything Nikki had ever wanted and she shouldn't suffer because Lorraine had decided to come back and invade Nikki's headspace.

"Sorry babe, what were you saying?" Nikki tried her best to sound interested. Lola's jaw dropped slightly before a smile spread across her face. Big brown eyes full of lust. Not annoyed that Nikki hadn't been listening, she had accidentally called her babe and that's all that mattered.

"Shall we get out of here?" Lola stroked Nikki's hand slowly, looking up from under her long lashes.

Nikki couldn't help but smile. Lola was gorgeous and the perfect way to take her mind off a certain blonde bombshell...

Meanwhile, said bombshell was about to explode with excitement. Already laying out her new (possibly far too tight) dress & killer heels for her first day. Determined to go to bed early and look her absolute best. She was excited about her new challenge, looking forward to feeling respected again but most of all, she was counting down the hours until she could look into those piercing blue eyes again. She looked at the clock, it was only half 6, far too early to sleep. She grabbed the remote to her antique style stereo and flicked the shuffle button. Turning the volume up to its highest and sinking into her bed. The bed she hadn't shared with anyone other than Nikki. She loved that.

_I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care but it's so cold and I don't know where..._

God she wanted to take Nikki somewhere. Anywhere away from Lola.

_And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright. I'm just so tired to share my nights. _

Lorraine felt a pang of sadness. Memories of how cold she'd been with Nikki when they were together. Always rushing her out the morning after. Her fears & insecurities ruining the intimacy between them.

_I wanna cry and I wanna love but all my tears have been used up... On another love, another love.._.

Lorraine sighed. She did want to love. She wanted to love Nikki. No one else would ever come close. Only now that she'd lost her did she realise just how much no one could ever compare.

Lorraine looked over at her phone. Wishing it would ring and she'd see Nikki's name flash up. She just wanted to hear her voice. She racked her brains trying to think of an excuse to maybe call her... No. No she couldn't do that. She didn't want to bother her she was probably busy... Maybe a text? Lorraine frowned as she picked up her phone. Biting her lip hard.

Nikki lay on the sofa spooning Lola who was laying in front of her. Lola stroked Nikki's arms affectionately as they were wrapped tightly around her waist.

"I'm sorry. I thought I was ready but-" Nikki almost whispered. Embarrassment filling the air.

"Nik it's fine. Honestly I told you. I don't mind waiting." Lola turned to face Nikki. Their noses almost touching.

"It's pathetic though. I really want to, you know?" Nikki kissed the end of Lola's nose.

"She really messed you about this ex didn't she?" Lola stroked some hair out of Nikki's face.

"She broke my heart." Nikki nodded. Her bottom lip trembling. Uncharacteristically vulnerable.

"I'll never do that. I promise." Lola kissed Nikki once on the lips and turned back around. Falling to sleep as Nikki stroked her hair.

They lay there for ages. Lola sleeping, looking peaceful and happy totally unaware of the butterflies dancing around Nikki's stomach. She felt so guilty as she watched her sleep. She knew Lola cared for her more than Nikki felt she could reciprocate. Not yet anyway. Maybe with time...

Nikki was gratefully distracted from her thoughts by her phone vibrating on the table. She peeled herself away from Lola careful not to wake her up, and reached to grab her phone.

"Message from Lorraine Donnegan" flashed up on the screen. The butterflies in Nikki's stomach woke up again. Going crazy and making her mouth so dry she thought she couldn't swallow. Hand shaking she opened the message...

**"Hey Nik. Just thought I'd send a quick message to say see you tomorrow. I'll get in nice and early to get set up. See you then! Love L xx"**

Nikki's eyes flickered over the message time and time again. Stopping on the kisses. Two kisses. Little did she know, Lorraine had deleted them & re-added them 5 times. Nikki wondered if she should reply. She wanted to. God she wanted to but... There wasn't a question really was there? No need to reply. Lorraine wouldn't be waiting for a reply would she? Not that she cared what Lorraine wanted... Not anymore. Nope.


	7. Chapter 7

_**THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK. GUYS, I KNOW YOU ALL WANT THEM TOGETHER LIKE NOW BUT I'M TRYING TO DO IT REALISTICALLY & GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT ;)  
THE MORE FEEDBACK, THE FASTER THE UPDATES.**_

Lorraine sat in her car, studying her reflection in the mirror and putting yet another coat of red lipstick on. Any excuse to spend longer in her car, waiting for Nikki to drive in. Wanting to walk into the school with her. Close to her. Just the two of them. She spun around in her seat as she heard the roaring of an engine and instantly sunk back down again when she realised it was just Maggie and Grantly. She didn't want to have to explain to them what she was doing there. Not on her own. She wanted Nikki beside her. Like how it used to be. Once she'd watched Maggie and Grantly disappear through the school doors, lorraine sat back up in her seat. Just in time to notice Nikki's car pull into the car park. Lorraine was slightly disappointed when she turned left instead of right and so wouldn't have seen Lorraine's car. Still though, she quickly got out of her car to casually watch Nikki appear from hers. Lorraine's eyes lit up as she watched Nikki running a hand through her silky dark hair. A smile spread across her face as she wondered how long it would be until she could do that again. Run her fingers through Nikki's hair whilst kissing her. Pulling her closer. She quickly lost her smile as she saw someone else appear out of Nikki's passenger side. Lola. Ugh, Lorraine had momentarily forgotten about her. They're arriving together. So she obviously stayed at Nikki's. Images of them together flashed through Lorraine's mind, Lola laying on Nikki's chest, Nikki kissing around Lola's lips before parting them with her tongue, Nikki biting down hard on her own lip as she looked down at Lola taking her to places only Lorraine wanted to. Everything they shared together but she wasn't there, it was just Lola and Nikki. Her Nikki. Lorraine's stomach churned with regret and panic. Suddenly she wasn't ready to talk to Nikki. Not with Lola there. She saw them walking towards the school, she didn't think she had time to get back in her car without attracting attention to herself so she quickly jumped behind it instead. Kneeling on the floor inbetween the back of her car and the car park gate. She'd wait there until they had gone in. Luckily she had her phone so she mindlessly scrolled through her emails waiting for it to be safe to go in. She pulled a cigarette out of her pocket and lit it up. Nicotine hitting the back of her throat, grabbing her anxiety & she breathed it out closing her eyes slightly. Calming down with every drag.

"Ahem...!"

Lorraine looked up like a rabbit caught in the headlights to see Nikki standing over her with a small smile.

"First day and caught smoking? Tut tut Miss Donnegan..." Nikki shook her head as she suppressed a giggle.

Shit. How was Lorraine going to explain hiding behind her car? She blushed slightly as ridiculous reasons ran through her mind. She opened her mouth, not sure what was going to come out. Luckily Nikki cut her off.

"Budge over then..." Nikki sat next to Lorraine, making her move over slightly so they were both hidden by her car. She took the cigarette from Lorraine and took a small drag. Leaning against Lorraine's car and looking up, blowing smoke towards the sky. Lorraine watched as her eyelashes involuntarily fluttered. How could Nikki make smoking look so sexy? Nikki turned to Lorraine and narrowed her eyes slightly wondering what was making her stare so much.

"Erm... I... I didn't know you smoked?" Lorraine leaned against Nikki as casual as possible but relishing in the goosebumps travelling up her arm. Hoping they were contagious and also running up Nikki's.

"Well I didn't know you did." Nikki raised her eyebrows and handed Lorraine the cigarette back. Their fingers touched for a moment. Their eyes meeting. "You're nervous aren't you?" Nikki let go of the cigarette but continued to look into Lorraine's eyes. Reading her thoughts. Well some of them.

"How do you do that?" Lorraine whispered as if it was a secret question. Between them two and against logic. "You always know. You know what I'm feeling. Theres no hiding anything from you." Lorraine looked all over Nikki's face as if searching for clues.

"Not always." Nikki's eyes were pulled away from Lorraine's and drawn to her hands now idly resting in her lap. Lorraine hated herself for ruining the moment. Reminding Nikki how distant she'd been last time. But loved that their arms were still touching.

Nikki gently nudged Lorraine. "Come on. We better get in there eh?"

Lorraine nodded with a smile watching Nikki jump to her feet. Her heart pounded as Nikki held out her hand to pull her up. Lorraine didn't want to let go. But she did. Of course she did. She didn't want to push Nikki. They were growing closer again. Rebuilding the friendship that started it all.

"Let's do this." Lorraine let go of Nikki's hand and they walked into the school in a comfortable silence. Neither aware that the same thoughts were running through each others minds as they walked up the steps where it all ended. Regret consuming them both they echoed a sad smile towards each other. A silent "we totally fucked up".


	8. Chapter 8

_**Thanks for reading. Hope you like this chapter.**_

Lorraine walked straight through to Christine's office, head high, heels clicking to announce her arrival and a confident smile on her face.

"Oh do come in..." Christine rolled her eyes sarcasm dripping from her unimpressed tone.

"Oops sorry. Force of habit." Lorraine lied. She wasn't sorry. In fact she couldn't care less. She'd never been close to Christine and just wanted to get this formality out of the way so she could get on with her new job avoiding Christine wherever possible.

"Looks strange in here." Lorraine looked around the office with a sad smile.

"We've not changed anything?" Christine followed Lorraine's eyes around the room.

"I mean without Michael. Doesn't feel right." Lorraine looked Christine right in the eyes. Making sure she knew she was referring to her. She didn't look right behind the desk.

"Well I suggest you get over it if you want to work here, Lorraine. Things are a lot different now." Christine smirked.

"Oh don't worry about me. I adapt well to change, Christine. If I remember rightly it was everyone else who I had to battle to accept it." Lorraine smirked right back. One-Nill.

Nikki walked into the office instantly sensing an atmosphere between the two women at the desk.

"Everything alright?" Nikki asked wearily. Not really sure she wanted the answer.

"Perfect." Lorraine turned to smile cheekily at Nikki. "Just having a catch up before I get started."

"Hmm. Well just so you know... It's not just business studies we'll need you for. You'll be expected to cover wherever else we fall short... We'll provide training obviously." Christine's smirk was back. Enjoying the power she felt she had over Lorraine.

"You do know I don't need this job. I can walk out at any time I like." Lorraine quipped. But looked over at Nikki and realised that actually she did need this job. Not financially obviously but to get close to her. "I mean I won't. Because I want it. I miss this place & I'm thrilled to be back but just because I'm not in charge anymore doesn't mean I'll let anyone talk down to me. Show me respect and it'll be returned." Lorraine smiled calmly through gritted teeth.

"Of course... You might want to lose the heels though, if you're ever needed to cover PE." Christine scoffed looking down at Lorraine's ridiculously high shoes. "Right well we better make the announcement then. Staff room 10 minutes." She nodded and left Nikki and Lorraine alone. Lorraine stuck her middle finger up at Christine's back as she watched her stomp out of the office. Nikki tried unsuccessfully to stifle a giggle. Lorraine watched little creases appear either side of Nikki's eyes as she closed them while she laughed. She loved being the one to make Nikki laugh from the back of her throat. That sexy laugh. God she wanted her.

"You're terrible" Nikki finally managed to speak.

"So's she and you know it." Lorraine teased.

"Couldn't possibly comment. You did well not to rise to it though. Where's the Miss stubborn 'Im always right' Donnegan gone?"

"I've changed." Lorraine was now serious. Her eyes genuine and looking directly into Nikki's.

"I kinda liked the old you though." Nikki shrugged. "Most of the time." She joked. Well, half joked. Bringing Lorraine's smile right back.

"Ok, well I've improved. Not changed. I now know what I want..." Lorraine stepped closer to Nikki who was leaning against the desk.

"And what's.." Nikki cleared her throat hoping this would help her remember how to speak. "...What's that?"

Lorraine stepped even closer to Nikki. Trapping her between her body and the desk. She took hold of one of Nikki's hands that were hanging down nervously by her sides and closed both of her own hands around it tightly. "You." She looked up into Nikki's eyes and parted her lips slightly. Inviting Nikki to kiss her. Nikki looked down at Lorraine's lips and back up to her eyes silently pleading for her to close the gap between them. The hairs on the back of Nikki's neck stood up as she felt Lorraine's breathe on her face. They were so close now that only their hands clasped together were between them. Nikki closed her eyes as she felt Lorraine's lips on her own. Soft, gentle kisses at first as she stroked her thumb over Nikki's hand, then she let go, bodies pressed together and ran her hands through Nikki's hair pulling it slightly as she deepened the kiss. Their tongues fast, passionate, excited to meet each other again and angry for being separated for so long, fort each other for dominance. Lorraine let out a small moan as she bit on Nikki's lip. She wanted her right now. Nikki's eyes quickly flew open and she pushed Lorraine off her. Both gasping for air.

"No. Fuck you Lorraine. You're not doing this to me again." Nikki angrily wiped Lorraine's lipstick off her lips. As if trying to erase the kiss.

"I thought you... I thought you wanted me to" Lorraine blinked far too fast. Confused. She hadn't even had time to process the kiss in her mind before it was snatched away again.

"I won't do this again. Let you do this to me again. Pick me up and drop me. Do you know how long it took me to get on with my life?" Nikki was shaking her head. More angry with herself than Lorraine. She tried to storm passed Lorraine but she stood in her way. "Move"

"No. I won't move. Why don't you get over yourself? You're the one already in someone else's bed, Nikki. Not me. There hasn't been anyone since! So what makes you think you were the one hurt the most? You sure did move on quick..." Lorraine was now also angry. She had blamed herself for the way things had ended but like she said, Nikki was the one who had moved on. Not her.

"Oh so that's what all of this is about? You being a spoiled brat. Not wanting me but not wanting anyone else to have me either?" Nikki tried to move passed Lorraine but once again she blocked her. Nikki grabbed both of Lorraine's arms and pushed her against the door. She wanted to get away from her, out of this office, be around other people and safe from Lorraine's charms.

"But I DO want you, Nik." Lorraine whispered as she looked up at Nikki. Arms still pinned up against the door, she didn't even struggle to get out of Nikki's grip. Lorraine leaned towards Nikki, lips aching to be on hers again. Nikki let go of Lorraine's arms and pulled her by the waist away from the door. Out of her way. Eyes full of tears she gently pushed her away.

"No. Leave me alone." Nikki was gone out of the office. Leaving Lorraine shocked. What the hell had just happened? Nikki had wanted her to kiss her. She was certain she hadn't read it wrong.

"What the fuck?" She whispered to herself staring at the closed door.


	9. Chapter 9

**_As always, thank you for reading. Please review. x  
_**  
Lorraine walked through the empty corridors. All the students were in lessons so there was no sound but the clicking of her heels and her elongated sighs every now and then. Her head was spinning, she'd already taught her first lesson, then been put on essential online health and safety course in the computer room. It was nearly the end of the school day but everything after her kiss with Nikki has been a blur, that was the only part of her day that seemed real. She hadn't seen Nikki since. She'd not turned up to Lorraine's introduction in the staff room which had really disappointed her as, apart from Sonya, no one else had seemed all that welcoming. Not even trying to whisper their disgust and disapproval of her being there. Christine had relished in this and smirked like the cat who had got the fucking cream, while Lorraine forced her best "I don't give a shit" smile. Dying of humiliation inside, but ever the strong, heartless business woman on the outside. She knew it would've been easier had Nikki been there. Even just one look from her could've got Lorraine through it and made up for all the nastiness from the rest of them. The pettiness as they made each other brews and intentionally left Lorraine out. The loud conversations about how much better the school had been once Lorraine had relinquished control. She'd bit her tongue so hard, she was surprised it was still in one piece. She just needed to see Nikki. Not that she knew what she'd say... Maybe apologise for kissing her? No, fuck that. She wasn't sorry. Not even a little bit. A smile played on her lips as she relived their overdue moment of passion for the hundredth time that day.

"Alright Sis?" Sonya beamed as Lorraine walked into her reception. Looking passed her and into Nikki's office. There she was, on the phone, pacing around her office. Lorraine watched her move, rubbing her temples and rolling her eyes at whoever was on the other end of the phone. Picking up figures and going through them. She looked authoritative and sexy. Lorraine loved this side of her.

"Earth to Lorraine..." Sonya laughed. Lorraine still didn't respond as, as if feeling her eyes following her, Nikki looked up and met Lorraine's gaze. Lorraine smiled wearily. Still not knowing where she stood having not had a chance to talk to Nikki since their kiss. Nikki stopped talking momentarily and swallowed hard. The corners of her mouth threatened to smile but she quickly spun around and continued to relay the figures into the phone.

Sonya followed Lorraine's eyes to Nikki and smiled knowingly. "Ah. Right."

"What?" Lorraine snapped. Tearing her eyes away from Nikki's back and shooting Sonya a warning look.

"Nothing... Nothing at all." Sonya touched Lorraine's hand lovingly.

Nikki burst through the office door into reception. "Sonya. I need you to look over these exam results. I've just had the board on going mad at me saying they don't tally with last terms!"

"No problem." Sonya smiled calmly taking the sheet from Nikki.

"Nikki... Have you got a minute I need to talk to you." Lorraine spoke timidly. Aware that Nikki was worked up but also realising this could be the only chance she had to speak to her before the end of the day. Knowing she couldn't cope with a sleepless night worrying about it.

"Not now Lorraine." Nikki spoke angrily. Not even looking up at Lorraine. Eyes still on the figures in Sonya's hand.

"Well erm... Maybe dinner tonight... At mine?" Lorraine closed her eyes. Dreading the answer.

"Tonight?" Lola had entered reception and was hovering behind Lorraine. Lorraine, Nikki and even Sonya all turned to stare at Lola. Lorraine could feel her face burning. Shit. Nikki opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"What?" Lola laughed suddenly self conscious. All eyes were on her and she had no idea why.

"Erm... Yeah I was just saying I was thinking of having a dinner thing at mine tonight. Celebrate me being back." Lorraine flicked her hair back cooly. Inside her stomach doing somersaults.

"Yeah. Me and my fella are going. We can't wait..." Sonya chipped in. Lorraine turned to look at her. Right at that moment she loved her so much. Naturally lying to stop Lorraine digging herself even deeper into the awkward hole appearing. Asking someone round to dinner in front of their girlfriend is not cool and although Lola wouldn't have noticed, Sonya could sense the humiliation Lorraine was feeling.

"Well of course we'll be there." Lola gushed.

"Erm... Maybe discuss it first?" Nikki forced a smile.

"Ignore her. We'll be there." Lola waved a hand dismissively and Lorraine wanted to grab it and slap her face with it. Everytime Lola referred to her and Nikki as 'we' a little piece of her died inside. "See you later babe" Lola quickly smiled at Nikki and left reception.

Nikki widened her eyes at Lorraine and shook her head. Walking back into her office. Lorraine followed her and closed the door after mouthing a quick genuine thank you to her little Sister for saving her.

"Fucking great Lorraine. Like I'm not feeling guilty enough." Nikki leant against the desk then quickly changed her mind, remembering what had happened last time she did that, she decided to sit down behind it instead. A desk safely between them.

"Sorry, I didn't plan that. I just needed to talk to you." Lorraine looked at the ground. Hating Nikki's tone. Silently telling herself not to cry. Do not fucking cry.

"I don't want Lola to find out, Lorraine. It would hurt her and I really don't want to do that." Nikki's eyes pleaded with Lorraine. Her tone suddenly softer.

"God forbid." Lorraine rolled her eyes. Then noticed the distain etched across Nikki's beautiful face. "I won't tell her. Of course I won't."

"What time shall we come round then?" Nikki asked uncomfortably. Desperate to change the subject.

"Erm... About 8?" Lorraine shrugged. The thought of having to entertain Nikki and her new girlfriend making her want to vomit.

"Ok." Nikki nodded. Lorraine forced a smile and turned to leave. "Lorraine?" Nikki raised her voice slightly making Lorraine hopefully spin back around. "You're not cooking are you?" Nikki's eyes twinkled as she teased Lorraine.

"What do you think?" Lorraine laughed. A genuine laugh. Relaxing finally. Yes she was dreading tonight and no she didn't know how she was going to cope with Lola pouring over her Nikki in her own house but she was getting to spend time with Nikki. That made her smile. She left the office and hit her emergency speed dial. The local restaurant with a delivery option...


	10. Chapter 10

**_Thank you for reading and reviewing. Love you. _**

Nikki sat on Lola's sofa flicking through the channels of the TV aimlessly while she waited for her to get ready. Not paying attention to any of them, just doing it for something to do. To take her mind off the evening ahead. Last time she'd been to Lorraine's was the morning of the break up. After they'd spent a perfect night together and she'd been on cloud nine, Lorraine had just dismissed them completely. Breaking Nikki's heart in the process. Nikki had always wondered if she'd done the right thing, stubbornly refusing to listen to Lorraine when she'd tried to explain about how fucked up she was emotionally. Maybe the break up had been a blip but it was one blip too many for Nikki. She'd been heartbroken in the past and hadn't wanted to go back down that route. Then there was the kiss today... She hated herself for allowing that to happen. Even more so for enjoying it so much... For not wanting to stop... for wanting to touch Lorraine, feel her hands on her, hear her scream her name and... No. Nikki stopped herself from fantasising. It should be Lola she wanted. Lola she was fantasising about. She hadn't even slept with Lola yet and it upset her that Lorraine assumed she had. Yet at the same time, she had enjoyed the jealousy flash in Lorraine's eyes when she'd said about her being in someone else's bed. Maybe she should have told her? But it was none of her business. They were finished. Lorraine did that. Nikki was convinced Lorraine just wanted her now because she couldn't have her. But was unsure why she couldn't get her out of her own head... Maybe it was time to take things further with Lola? Maybe.

"Babe... What about this one?" Lola made Nikki jump out of her thoughts as she entered in yet another dress. The eighth she'd tried.

"Lola, you'd look beautiful in a bin bag. I don't know why you're panicking so much." Nikki smiled. Lola really did look gorgeous. Effortlessly so. That's what had first attracted Nikki to her.

"But I need to look my best. She always looks so glam doesn't she?" Lola studied herself disappointedly in the mirror.

"Who does?" Nikki blinked innocently. She knew who.

"Lorraine. Obviously. I'm gonna go for the black one I tried earlier. This pink looks too cheap. She'll be in designer no doubt." Lola tutted.

"It's not a bloody competition. For gods sake Lola." Nikki snapped. Her patience wearing thin. She'd got ready in half an hour. Quick shower, jeans, tight tee and converse. Done. Her nerves were already at their peak about the evening and she just wanted to get it over with.

"Sorry... Just don't want to let you down." Lola shrugged. Sadness etched across her pretty face. Dimples vanished as her smile fell. Sending a pang of guilt through Nikki's heart like a dagger.

"No I'm sorry. Just a bit stressed that's all..." Nikki wrapped her arms around Lola's waist and as if by magic, the dimples Nikki loved so much were back. "That's better." Nikki kissed each cheek on each dimple making Lola giggle.

"You know... We could always give it a miss tonight?" Lola raised her eyebrows lowering her hands to rest on Nikkis hips, pulling her closer. "Stay here...?" She kissed Nikki's neck.

"We can't... She'll have gone out of her way. It's not fair is it?" Nikki pulled away. Her words even surprising herself. She'd wanted to get out of going to Lorraine's and Lola had just given her a get out of jail free card yet she refused.

"Suppose so..." Lola pouted. "Give me five minutes then." She ran to put the black dress on. Leaving Nikki kicking herself for not taking her up on the offer of staying there instead of going to her secret ex's. Silently chastising herself. What was she doing?

Meanwhile, back at Lorraine's, she was running around frantically trying to get everything ready for the accidental dinner party she'd arranged. The food had arrived and was already in the oven warming up and filling her immaculate home with the succulent scent of chicken and all the trimmings, creating the illusion that she'd been slaving away. She hasn't of course. She'd been digging out her most revealing dress. A simple LBD but she knew it was Nikki's favourite. She wanted her to know she'd worn it for her. Wanted to attract her attention away from Lola. Most of all, she wanted to get her alone and explain how wrong she'd been to accuse Lorraine of only wanting her because she was with someone else. If only Nikki knew exactly what Lorraine had been through since she left Waterloo Rd. She'd tell her. She silently promised herself. She'd be brave and tell her.

Lorraine looked at the table all laid out and smiled proudly. Then she felt a deep sadness realising that there were 5 places set. Not just two. It wasn't just her and Nikki. It was Nikki, her new girlfriend, Sonya and... Oh God knows who. Her latest fella. Then Lorraine. Alone. A gooseberry in her own home. Lorraine's heart started beating fast, her face felt hot and her chest icy cold. she held her hands tightly together.

"Not now. Not fucking now." She sat and bent over catching her breath. She quickly calmed down and stood up straightening the table cloth where it had crinkled slightly. As normal as you like.

DING DONG.

Lorraine swallowed hard, checked her reflection on the way passed the mirror and walked to let her first guest in... She closed her eyes for a second, plastered on her best smile, then opened the door.

"H.. Hi..." Nikki stuttered looking Lorraine up and down and clumsily handing her a bottle of wine.

"Hey Lorraine!" Lola over enthusiastically kissed each of Lorraine's cheeks. Lorraine resisted the urge to push her away and back through the front door, away from Nikki. Instead she kept her eyes fixed on Nikki's running all over her body. Mission accomplished. Lorraine smiled as Nikki's eyes reached her own. Nikki blushed slightly realising Lorraine had noticed her silently undressing her. Lorraine wished it was her hands, not her eyes and for a moment she was sure she could see the same wish in Nikki's regretful smile.

"Thanks." Lorraine held the bottle of wine up, prising herself away from Lola who was hugging her tightly. Lorraine wasn't a very tactile person as it was but especially not with strangers and she hated how overfamiliar Lola was with her. Lorraine moved towards Nikki not really sure how to greet her. Lola had invited herself in and could already be heard oooh'ing at aaaah'ing at Lorraine's decor in the other room. Lorraine leant up and kissed Nikki on the cheek. Leaving her lips against her soft cheek for a little longer than necessary. Then moved her mouth to whisper into Nikki's ear. "I'm sorry about this morning. Can we talk later. Please Nikki?" She was aware how desperate she must sound to Nikki but she didn't care. Nikki nodded and pulled her face away. Somewhat reluctantly.

"Of course we can... Nice dress." Nikki smiled knowingly. Jokingly. Trying to keep things safe between them.

"Alright Sis?" Sonya bounced down the drive. A guy following her. Hoody up. Trainers on. Attitude swagger. Sonya's usual type. "This is zeb."

"Alright? Fucking hell. This is a bit nice innit?" Zeb looked at Lorraine's house like a kid looking at Disney land.

"Erm... thanks. Sorry... Zeb? Your names Zeb?" Lorraine frowned. Nikki stifled a giggle.

"Short for Zebra innit." Zeb pulled up his hoody to reveal an arm covered with a zebra sleeve tattoo.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Sonya looked on admirably.

"Let's go in shall we?" Lorraine forced a smile and rolled her eyes. Playfully hitting Nikki to stop her laughing as they all made their way through to the lounge. This was going to be a looooong night.


	11. Chapter 11

**_Thanking you for reading. This is quite a long chapter. Reviews, come at me. x_**

"Wow this all looks delicious. Must have taken you ages!" Lola hungrily eyed all the food on the table as Lorraine brought out the last dish. Lorraine smiled in appreciation but she secretly wanted to scream in Lola's face to stop being so nice. It was irritating. Also it was alien to Lorraine that Lola would waste her time looking at anything other than Nikki. She was allowed to. She didn't have the agonising desire to steal glances every now and then like Lorraine had to endure.

"Yeah. Looks so professional. Love the presentation... Seems you might be wasted in business studies. Maybe we should move you to teach home ec?" Nikki winked towards Lorraine. A wink just for her. She was the only one who knew for sure Lorraine had ordered the food in. A secret between just the two of them. Lorraine loved that. It was making her stomach flip upside down and inside out.

"You've not tasted it yet... Go on. Tuck in." Lorraine gestured. False modesty lingering over the food she knew was 5*. The restaurant had the certificate to prove it.

They all started eating and looking at Lorraine like she was a domestic goddess. Much to Nikki's amusement. Lorraine kicked her gently under the table. Playfully. Nikki smirked, eyes twinkling mischievously. Their eyes met for a moment. Lorraine suddenly wished they were alone. She'd be brave enough to kiss her. She would. She silently promised herself. The moment was quickly ruined though as Lola innocently held Nikki's hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. Unaware of the massive weight it had placed on Lorraine's heart as she quickly looked away and down at her plate. Nikki noticed this, gently squeezed Lola's hand and let go.

"I just did a home ec course. It was wank." Zeb snorted.

"You did a home ec course?" Nikki tried to not look so surprised.

"Yeah. Inside. Made me do it innit?" Zeb casually took a swig from his beer.

"He's just got out of prison? Brilliant Sonya." Lorraine shook her head with a sarcastic smile as she filled everyone's glasses up with wine. The wine had been flowing since they'd arrived and Lorraine was glad she had a whole cabinet devoted to storing it as it looked like they were going to need it. Zeb was happy swigging his lager from the can.

"It IS brilliant actually." Sonya scowled over at her Sister hating the judgmental look on her face. "Taught me how to perfect my spotted dick didn't you babe?" Sonya nodded proudly and wrapping her arms around his neck tightly.

Lorraine felt guilty as she watched her Sister smiling as she snuggled up to Zeb. If she was happy then so what? He might be a changed man.

"Not going back there neither..." Zeb shook his head.

See. He's remorseful. Lorraine let out a small sigh of relief.

"Next time I steal a car I'll be making sure it ain't a police one. It was dark. Been saying for years we need more street lamps round my way. Fucking council." Zeb tutted. Sonya stroked his arm protectively like she understood.

"Oh for f.." Lorraine rolled her eyes.

"Anyway..." Lola interjected. "How did you find today, Lorraine?"

Lorraine wondered if Lola spoke so annoyingly all the time. Surely not. Surely this was just her polite voice. Nikki would get just as irritated as she was.

"Yeah. It was really good thanks. Excited to get my teeth sunk back in..." Lorraine sipped on her wine. Eyes firmly fixed on a guilty looking Nikki.

"I just don't get it. I mean you have all of this, your businesses, the car, the clothes... Why would you choose to work at a shitty little place like Waterloo road?" Lola laughed. Wine obviously taking over her mouth. Nikki frowned slightly. Waterloo Road might be a shitty little place, but it was her shitty little place. She opened her mouth to speak but Lorraine beat her to it.

"I'm very proud of Waterloo Road actually. There were ups and downs while I was there but if I'm honest, I see it as one of my greatest achievements. I wouldn't have missed any of it for the world." Lorraine's quickly flickered towards Nikki and back down to her wine glass. So quickly that no one would've noticed. Nikki did though. So had the corners of her mouth twitching upwards.

"Yeah and what you did there, I don't doubt was amazing but you're not the benefactor anymore... You're actually choosing to teach. All the money you couldn't even spend in your lifetime, yet you're choosing to teach. Spend your days in that depressing building!" Lola was totally missing the point.

"Money isn't everything though is it Lilly." Lorraine forced a smile. Totally aware she'd got Lola's name wrong.

"It's Lola." Lola corrected her forcefully. For the tenth time that evening. "What you mean is... Not having someone to share it with? Gotta say. I was expecting to turn to to see a gent here tonight." Lola looked at the empty seat around the table.

"Er hello? What am I? Chopped fucking liver?" Zeb tutted.

"Sorry Zeb... I meant another gent with Lorraine. Older perhaps, business suit, suave... You know the type." She waved her hand dismissively and helped herself to more wine.

"Because... I must have a rich sugar Daddy, right?" Lorraine gritted her teeth. She had this assumption from people all the time but it angered her most when it came from another woman. How are they supposed to inspire future generations of girls that they don't need a man to make their living for them?

"I'm a strong, independent woman and I've never taken handouts from anyone. I know I'm lucky to have all I do but I worked damn hard to get it." Lorraine realised how she was possibly being a little defensive. Nikki was watching her intently as she spoke. Maybe it was the wine, Lola's hand on her knee or boredom but Lorraine could have sworn Nikki's eyes had glazed over slightly.

"And for the record the suave types of guys you mentioned don't interest me. Sleazy and patronising." Lorraine grimaced.

"So what type do you go for then?" Lola asked cocking her head to the side. Still clutching onto Nikki's hand.

Lorraine and Nikki both swallowed in unison. Lorraine not wanting to give an answer and Nikki desperate to hear it.

"Nobody. I've never know Lorraine to go out with anyone!" Sonya spoke out loud then quickly tried to recover when she saw Lorraine's glare. "I mean... Not cos there's anything wrong with her... Just always been more into your work and that haven't you Sis?"

"In love with the job?" Lola smiled with pity.

"No." Lorraine snapped. She didn't want to be fucking pitied and it wasn't the truth. She shuffled awkwardly in her seat. "The person I want... Erm I mean the type of person I want... Will love me for me. All the money I have will be irrelevant. I could lose it all tomorrow and they wouldn't care. They'd always stand by me... Make me feel safe... Still like me when I'm at my worst... Still make me feel beautiful when I had no make up on and my hair all scraped back. Just love me... Really." Lorraine took a sip of her wine. She couldn't look up at Nikki. She daren't. She knew how obvious it would have sounded to Nikki and she'd never told her she loved her even when they were together yet here she was letting her know infront of other people. Worse than that. In front of her new girlfriend.

"I've got a couple of mates. Ill hook you up." Zeb nodded.

"So you've not found anyone like that then?" Lola Pouted. There it was again. The fucking pity.

"I did actually yeah. But I fucked it up." Lorraine forced a smile. "Anyone for a refill?" She casually opened another bottle of wine trying to distract from her cheeks burning up... Desperate to change the subject.

"I've found that person. Luckily." Lola kissed Nikki on the cheek. Nikki smiled but pulled away making her excuses and going to the bathroom. Lola looked slightly rejected. Lorraine took secret delight in this.

Lorraine wanted to follow her. God did she want to follow her but she didn't. Both Lola and Lorraine watched Nikki leave the room. Zeb and Sonya went outside for a smoke of something Lorraine was sure wasn't a cigarette. She'd speak to Sonya about Zeb tomorrow. Right now she had other things on her mind.

"She's so hot." Lola sighed. "I have to tread carefully though."

"How so?" The last thing Lorraine wanted to do was hear about how in love they were yet she loved talking about Nikki.

"Her ex... She properly broke her heart. Did you know her?" Lola hesitated. Lorraine just shook her head. "Well she was a bit of a head fuck by all accounts. Nikki was glad to get rid of her. She was ruining her life."

Lorraine tried her best to disguise the sound of her heart shattering into a thousand pieces. Hurting Nikki was the last thing she'd wanted to do.

"Yet... Sometimes, I can tell Nikki isn't over her... Like she's still thinking of her. I mean we haven't even slept together. She can't and-"

"You haven't?" Lorraine frowned. Trying her best not to show how ecstatic she was secretly feeling about this.

"Thanks a lot Lola." Nikki had appeared in the doorway. Tears in her eyes and anger in her voice.

"Let me explain, I-" Lola went white as a sheet. Lorraine closed her eyes. She knew what a private person Nikki was and she hated to see her looking so upset.

"Mate, we just saw two foxes proper going at it in your yard!" Zeb clicked his fingers as he and Sonya fell through the patio doors in a fit of giggles.

"Fuck me. Bit of an atmosphere in here..." Zeb looked around at the anguish on everyone else's faces.

Nikki stormed out of the room, Lola got up to follow her but Lorraine instinctively shook her head and put her hand out to stop her. "I'll go." Lorraine didn't wait to hear Lola's protests and quickly followed Nikki out of the room leaving an awkward silence behind her.

"At least the foxes are having a good time.." Zeb quipped and him and Sonya laughed uncontrollably again. Lola filled her glass with wine and hoped Lorraine would be able to calm Nikki down... Explain that she wasn't talking maliciously. Lola suddenly wished she was sober. She'd never have shared so much if she was. Lorraine would sort it though, Lola silently nodded to herself. But sorting things between Lola and Nikki was the last thing on Lorraine's mind...


	12. Chapter 12

**_Sorry for the delay with updating. hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks for reviews & messages. XX_**

Lorraine walks through her house slowly. She knows exactly where she's going because she knows exactly where Nikki would want to be right now. The balcony just off Lorraine's bedroom overlooking the sea. The place she always loved while they were together, the place she'd find her after they'd had a silly row or Lorraine had pushed her away but she wasn't ready to leave her alone. Lorraine would always sigh a frustrated breath of relief when she'd find Nikki still there. Wrap her arms around her waist and kiss whispers of sorry up and down her neck. But she couldn't do that this time. She started to wonder whether she should have let Lola go after Nikki, she was, after all, her girlfriend and the one Nikki was upset with. She didn't want anyone else on their balcony though, polluting their special place. It was just theirs and she wanted to keep it that way.

Lorraine wearily entered her bedroom. The balcony door was open and even though she could only see Nikki's silhouette, she saw her shoulders tense up and her head fall.

"Not now, Lola. I just need a minute." Nikki spoke shakily. Sounding more upset than angry. Her voice riddled with tears and it made Lorraine's heart sink.

"It's me." Lorraine whispered, unsure if Nikki had even heard her as she didn't turn around. Lorraine took a few hesitant steps towards the balcony door. Wanting to be closer to Nikki. Wanting to comfort her. "I'm here" Lorraine swallowed hard unsure of what else to say. "if you want to talk?"

"Do you not think I'm humiliated enough Lorraine?" Nikki still didn't turn around but her voice was stronger this time. She didn't want to appear weak. Not to Lorraine.

"She wasn't gossiping about you two, you know? She didn't mean anything bad by it..." Lorraine trailed off. Wondering why the hell she was sticking up for Lola? Nikki was angry at her, this was her chance. Trouble was, Lorraine cared about Nikki too much. She'd rather soothe her than get one over on Lola.

"I'm not bothered about that. I just... I never would have opened up to her about you if I thought you'd hear those words... Things I didn't want you to. Things you didn't need to. It's humiliating." Nikki struggled to maintain her voice. Cracking slightly as the lump in her throat restricted her breathing.

"And that's the problem isn't it, Nik?" Lorraine had now moved out onto the balcony. Standing next to Nikki. Their arms touching slightly. Lorraine looked out to the sea whilst Nikki kept her head down. "There's so much unsaid between us." Lorraine sighed. Wishing she could turn back time. Realise what she had with Nikki before she'd foolishly walked away.

"Bet you think I'm pathetic... Not even being able to be intimate with Lola... I am. I know it." Nikki shook her head. Still too embarrassed to raise her head. Eyes fixed on the balcony railing.

"Look at me." Lorraine spoke calmly. A natural air of authority in her voice. Placing her finger under Nikki's chin and gently tilting her face up. Nikki reluctantly obliged. Meeting Lorraine's loving gaze. "It's me. How could I ever think of you as pathetic?"

"That fucking kiss, Lorraine. I can't get it out of my head." Nikki looked down at Lorraine's lips and bit down on her own bottom lip. Frustrated. Lorraine really wanted to lean closer and close the gap between them. Relive the kiss. But she knew she needed to speak. Say things that if she didn't say them now, probably never would.

"You know, there's been no one else for me either... Since you." Lorraine whispered. "I hate myself for the way we left things. Then that kiss... Made me think that maybe... Well maybe you might be able to like me again? Maybe?" Lorraine looked up at Nikki with wide vulnerable eyes saying so much more than her lips were managing to. Nikki couldn't resist this side of her. It was the side she knew only she got to enjoy and it turned her on incredibly. She studied all of Lorraine's face hungrily. Suddenly nothing else mattered. Lola, the past, nothing. She leant forward, eyes closed, lips hungry for Lorraine's.

"Thing is Nikki..." Lorraine pulled back slightly, stopping the kiss before it even started. Nikki's heart sank with a heavy anticipation of what was coming next. "Erm... The thing is. I think I love you Nik." Lorraine look petrified by her own words and she was. She'd never said them and meant them before. It scared her that someone could have this effect on her. Have her heart in the palm of their hand and the power to crush it whenever they wanted to.

Nikki stood shocked for a moment. Not sure if she'd heard Lorraine right. Lorraine's eyes pleasing for a response. A response that Nikki was too shocked to give. Face expressionless, with a solitary tear falling down her cheek involuntarily. Lorraine cupped Nikki's face with both her hands and kissed her softly on the lips. Pulling back for permission to continue. Nikki leaned forward and kissed her back, snaking her hands around Lorraine's petite waist and pulling her closer. They kissed slowly, their tongues exploring every inch of the other, carefully as if, if they sped up, they would break the spell. Lose the magic. Lorraine moved her hands to Nikki's hair and slowly trailed her nails through it sending shivers down Nikki's spine. Nikki pulled away gently and they both looked at each other, breathless, eyes full of amazement, love and longing.

"I... Erm... We should get back downstairs." Nikki spoke breathlessly.

Lorraine just nodded regretfully and watched Nikki walk off through the bedroom. She stood thinking about what had just happened. Trying to keep that kiss etched into her memory. Not focusing on the fact that Nikki hadn't reciprocated her "I love you" or the fact she'd casually left to go back downstairs when Lorraine was hoping for the kiss to lead where it used to...

That kiss. It was perfect. Full of love. Even if Nikki hadn't said the words, Lorraine had felt them. She also felt a massive weight had been lifted off her heart. She'd finally opened it to Nikki. Told her completely what she felt. She just wondered what would happen now? Where would they go from here? When they're back in reality, the reality where Nikki had a girlfriend. Away from the magic of their balcony.

She sighed, fixed her lipstick, and made her way back downstairs... A smile on her face.


	13. Chapter 13

This chapter may annoy some but it is needed for the one after... ;)

Lorraine took a deep breath before entering the lounge. Composing herself. Lola might still be there, the laughter she could hear from Zeb and Sonya could be nervous giggles as Nikki is asking Lola to leave. Lorraine wiped the smile from her face, she knew how it felt to lose a girl like Nikki and she didn't want to be in Lola's cheap shoes right now. She bit her lip and walked through slowly peering around the wall before making her way in. Ugh. Lola WAS still there. Smiling. Why was she smiling? Surely even she isn't that nice to sit there all happy after someone had broken up with her... Lorraine's eyes widened as Lola leant towards Nikki and kissed the end of her nose playfully. Nikki just smiled. She didn't ask her to get off she just fucking smiled. Jealousy rose in Lorraine making her face flush redder than the sole of her Louboutins. She let out an involuntary exasperated sigh letting the others know she was in the room. Nikki instantly looked down guiltily when she saw the hurt in Lorraine's eyes. The same eyes that were so full of love just moments ago.

"Lorraine! Come sit down." Lola poured wine in Lorraine's glass as Lorraine gritted her teeth. Wondering who Lola thought she was telling her to sit down in her own house. Idiot.

"Sorry about our little spat..." Lola smiled apologetically. Then wrapped her arms around Nikki's neck clinging onto her like a monkey in a tree. Lorraine narrowed her eyes at the desperation leaking from every pore of Lola. Every perfect fucking pore.

"Oh don't worry about it." Lorraine forced a smile. She didn't know what sort of game Nikki thought she was playing but Lorraine would not show her that it was getting to her. Staring coldly when the harsh tone forced Nikki to make eye contact.

"Here Lo, I was telling Zeb about your pool. It's alright if we go and have a look isn't it?" Sonya trod carefully. She knew her Sister well enough to sense the anger on her face.

"Do what you want Son." Lorraine downed the wine in her glass.

"Ooh I'll come and have a look too! If that's ok Lorraine?" Lola asked over excitedly.

"Of course it is." Lorraine mimicked Lola's sickly sweet tone.

"Sweet we'll have a skinny dip babes!" Zeb slapped Sonya's backside gently as him, Sonya and Lola all made their way to the pool.

"No! No bare arses in my pool!" Lorraine shouted after them. Knowing it would fall on deaf stoned pissed up ears. She'd get the pool cleaned before she went in it again.

"You not going with them?" Lorraine asked coldly as she refilled her glass.

"You're angry." Nikki rolled her eyes.

"Is that a question or are you telling me how I feel?" Lorraine's barriers were well and truly up. But Nikki could see right through them. She always could.

"I'm sorry..." Nikki placed her hand over Lorraine's.

"Oh careful. Your girlfriend might see you." Lorraine pulled her hand away and stood up. Starting to clear the plates and glasses away.

"Lorraine, what did you expect me to do? Come out here and finish it with Lola immediately because you've clicked your fingers?" Nikki followed Lorraine through to the kitchen.

Lorraine slammed the plates down on the side and spun around to face Nikki.

"I told you I fucking love you and two minutes later you're snuggling up to someone else?" Lorraine's voice is cutting. Her eyes burning into Nikki's. Anger & lust fighting to be seen.

"Have you any idea how confused I am? Last time I saw you, you couldn't even commit to saying you liked me. Now you're suddenly back in my life saying you love me and turning my life upside down. I'm confused Lorraine. I don't know what to do!" Nikki had tears in her eyes. Pleading for Lorraine to understand. Lorraine turned her back to Nikki. She needed to be the strong, unfeeling Lorraine that Nikki always managed to break down.

"Well, I'm gonna make this easier for you. Stay with Lola." Lorraine said casually. As if they were the easiest words in the world to say.

"And that's what you want, yeah?" Nikki stared into the back of Lorraine's head. Willing her to turn around so she could look into her eyes and read what she was thinking.

"I'm going to bed. You can all let yourselves out. See you tomorrow." Lorraine rushed passed Nikki. She needed to get away from her. Her heart ached and she needed to cry it out. Alone. Nikki tried to grab her hand but Lorraine didn't notice, she was already out the door.

-

Lorraine lay on her bed. Tears falling down her cheeks, running black smudged lines along her face. She'd heard Nikki making an excuse for her saying she had a migraine and had to go to bed. She'd just wanted to scream for Nikki to stay. She felt guilty for the way she'd spoken to her. Nikki was caring, genuine and honest. Not the type of person to just throw Lola away at the drop of a hat. Deep down, Lorraine realised this but the jealousy had taken over and as usual she'd pushed Nikki away. All this running through her mind plus the copious amount of wine she'd drank were making her head spin. She slowly sat up and walked onto the balcony. Breathing in and closing her eyes. Imagining Nikki was there beside her but she wasn't and it was hurting. She lit up a cig and looked out to the sea blowing the smoke towards it. Maybe if she blew hard enough Nikki would see her SOS.

Nikki was on Lola's sofa. Making the most of the time alone while Lola was upstairs. So much was going around Nikki's head. She never thought she'd hear those three little words from Lorraine. Ever. She'd craved them for so long and had always stopped herself from saying them to Lorraine while they were together. Scared incase she ran a mile. Which she did in the end anyway. That's the thing with Lorraine. She was dangerous, unpredictable and as much as Nikki hated to admit it to herself, this excited her... Whereas Lola was the complete opposite. Safe. That's what Nikki had felt she needed but now Lorraine had thrown all this in the air and Nikki felt she was slowly getting lost in it all. Not knowing what she was thinking, feeling and wanting. Everytime she closed her eyes she could see Lorraine's face. Looking up at her with wide vulnerable eyes, biting down on her perfect bottom lip and moving closer & closer to Nikki.

"Had a good time tonight." Lola bounced into the living room and sat close to Nikki on the sofa. "Bit rude of Lorraine to not even say bye though. I'm sure she didn't mean to be" Lola smiled at Nikki.

Nikki couldn't help but smile back. She loved this about Lola. Always seeing the best in people. Lorraine had been far from welcoming towards her yet she was oblivious to this. Only choosing to see the good. Maybe if Nikki took things further with Lola, she'd get Lorraine out of her head...

"What? You're looking at me weird. What is-" Lola frowned but was cut off as Nikki quickly pushed her lips against hers. Forcefully. Rushed. As if she needed to do it before she lost her nerve...

TBC.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thank you for reading & the reviews! They really make me smile. Updating especially for the reviewers & the guest who was getting their results today. Hope you were pleased with them! :) This chapter contains mature content..**.

Nikki pulled Lola close. Kissing her with every ounce of energy she had. Convincing herself she wanted this. Lola was over joyed, pulling Nikki's tee over her head slowly and letting her eyes run all over Nikki's upper half before kissing her again then breaking her lips away from Nikki's. Running slow sensual kisses down Nikki's stomach. Nikki lay back and closed her eyes. Stroking Lola's hair as it travelled down her body.

"Ah... Lo" Nikki mumbled breathlessly spurring Lola on to kiss lower. Lola unbuttoned Nikki's pants and pulled them down slowly. Kissing every inch of flesh she revealed. Making Nikki tense up. Butterfly kisses slowly up and down her thighs. Lola stopped every now and then teasing Nikki. Knowing what she wanted but she wanted to make her wait.

"Don't stop" Nikki murmured. Lola moved Nikki's black lace to one side and started to plant soft kisses around Nikki. Circling her with her thumb. Nikki raised herself higher, wanting more. "I want you now... Lorraine please just-"

"Erm. What?" Lola looked up from between Nikki's legs.

Nikki's eyes flew open to see Lola beneath her. Shit.

"I erm..." Nikki pulled her pants back up. Suddenly feeling overexposed. "I better go." Nikki raced to the door, "Sorry" Nikki couldn't bear to turn around and see the look of disappointment on Lola's face. She was done with disappointing people. She let herself out into the freezing cold rainy night, realising she was in such a rush she hadn't even put her shoes it coat on. She started running, each bare foot pounding the wet pavement sending a shock of reality through Nikki.

Lorraine opened her eyes, blinking a few times, she must have cried herself to sleep. Her eyes hurt as much as her heart did when she realised she'd argued with Nikki. Pushed her away, into Lola's arms. Her throat was dry and worn out from the silent sobs she'd tried to choke back. She got up to go and get a drink, stopping momentarily when she caught sight of herself in the mirror.

"Fucks sake" Lorraine grimaced. Black lines had run down her face and her eyes were tired and looked like they'd given up on her. Her fucked up emotions a messy smudge on her cheeks.

She sat in the kitchen with a glass of water. Looking at the empty seat where Nikki had sat hours earlier. Wishing she was there. Regretting telling her to stay with Lola. Hating herself for letting the jealousy she felt ruin the perfect kiss they'd shared earlier. She traced her thumb lightly over her bottom lip, trying her hardest to feel Nikki's lips still there, to taste her. She needed to take her mind off Nikki. She'd fucked up. Again. That was it. She decided to go and see what kind of a state the poolhouse was in.

"You are kidding me?" Lorraine tried to shout but her throat was still so sore it came out weak. She just stood open mouthed looking down at Sonya and Zeb, asleep in a heap next to the pool. They seemed to have swapped underwear. Sonya was in her bra and Zebs boxer shorts, while Zeb lay with his bare chest and legs a kimbo in Sonya's hot pink thong with 'Dancing Queen' printed on the front in glittery letters. There was no where near enough material to cover Zeb and Lorraine quickly cringed, looking away. If she wasn't gay before she definitely was now. She suppressed a giggle. As funny a sight as it was, she was furious that she hasn't been listened to.

"Oi!" Lorraine nudged them with her foot forcefully. "Party's long over!"

Sonya stirred and looked down at Zeb, then up at Lorraine. Mortification spread across her face. Lorraine raised her eyebrows. Trying successfully not to let Sonya see that she did in fact find it slightly funny.

"Lo... Erm it's not what it looks like.. We were just erm..." Sonya shook Zeb gently to wake him up for some back up. He didn't seem bothered by the fact his bits were on display.

"We were taking a dip innit." He rubbed his eyes, annoyed he'd been woken up.

"Taking the piss more like. Go on. Out." She shook her head and walked off. Secretly grateful that they'd momentarily taken her mind off Nikki.

"Dunno how you wear these fings, babes. Grating." Zeb pulled at the thong uncomfortably.

"We better go..." Sonya mumbled chucking his clothes at him & dressing herself. Knowing she'd be in trouble with Lorraine tomorrow.

Lorraine knew she wasn't going to be able to sleep. She never did. The emptiness of her bed reminding her what a fuck up she was. She sat on her sofa aimlessly flicking through the channels.

BANG BANG BANG.

Lorraine rolled her eyes and made her way to the door. What could be so urgent that Sonya would risk her wrath again? Zeb must have forgotten his weed or something... She opened the door slowly.

"Nikki?" Lorraine whispered.

Nikki stood holding onto the tops of the door frame. Soaking wet through. Her t shirt clung to her in all the right places and Lorraine couldn't help but to run her eyes all over Nikki, frowning when she realised she was barefoot. Her eyes made their way back to Nikki's. trying to work out why she was there? Nikki was giving nothing away as her eyes burned into Lorraine's. Lorraine took a step back inviting her in. She walked through as Lorraine closed the door. As soon as Lorraine turned back to face Nikki, she felt Nikki's lips against her own. Nikki pressed Lorraine against the door as her tongue parted her lips to meet hers. Nikki's rain soaked clothes now soaking Lorraine as their tongues explored each other fiercely. As if they were meant to be together and were furious for being kept apart. Lorraine ran her hands up the back of Nikki's wet tshirt the warmness of her hands rubbing up and down Nikki's cold skin. Nikki's hand found its way up Lorraine's inner thigh, forcing her legs to part, allowing her to feel Lorraine. Feel how excited she was making her. Lorraine let out a small moan at Nikki's touch and moved her lips to Nikki's neck.

"How... Do you... Do this to me, Lorraine... Every... Fucking... Time." Nikki spoke breathlessly as she built up a rhythm. "I want you so much."

Nikki's touch, and those 5 words brought Lorraine close to the edge. "Fuck me. Please, Nik. I need you." She looked Nikki straight in the eyes. Nikki knew she couldn't make her wait any longer and entered her. Not breaking eye contact with Lorraine as she thrust her fingers forward & back. Watching the effect she was having as Lorraine shuddered and cried out her name. Closing her eyes and being welcomed home. She'd missed this place so much. The place only Nikki knew how to get to.

Lorraine opened her eyes and pulled Nikki towards her. Kissing her, like she'd just saved her life. Because that's how she felt. "Come on." Lorraine pulled Nikki through to the living room and pushed her gently down onto the rug. Pulling her Tshirt off over her head and not even stopping to look at Nikki. She needed to feel her. Lorraine straddled across Nikki's anticipating body and kissed along her collar bone, Nikki played with Lorraine's cascading curls as she moved her head down, pulling Nikki's bra off and kissing between her breasts, down her stomach and quickly pulling Nikki's pants and underwear off. Nikki was now completely naked, completely exposed and much to Lorraine's delight, completely hers. Lorraine cupped both her hands under Nikki's backside and propped her knees up. There was no time for teasing, Nikki was so close already that Lorraine went straight in. Circling Nikki with her two fingers whilst licking inside her. Her hot tongue hungrily exploring, making up for lost time.

"You... Are fucking... Good..." Nikki screamed as she let the waves of pleasure take over her body. Lorraine didn't stop. Carrying on until Nikki's body had had enough. Then she crawled up Nikki and lay her head on her hot sweaty chest.

"I know." Lorraine smiled and closed her eyes. This had really happened. "I've missed you."


	15. Chapter 15

**Thank you for the lovely reviews. Honestly, you don't know how much I appreciate them. So much so, I've written this chapter in a bit of a rush as I'm really busy but wanted to update for you all! Enjoy. x**

Lorraine stirred slightly as the sun came through the window. Eyes still closed, she smiled sleepily and reached out to feel Nikki's warm body next to her. Her eyes flew open when her hand felt the empty space. Her heart pounded. Panic forcing her to sit up. Had she dreamt last night? Surely not, her body felt far too alive for it to not have been real. Then the breeze hit her hot cheeks & she looked over to the balcony. Doors wide open and Nikki standing wrapped in a sheet, watching the sea dance in the distance.

Lorraine made her way out to stand next to Nikki.

"Morning..." Lorraine looked up at Nikki trying to work out what was going through her mind. Regret? Maybe. They hasn't spoken last night. They'd had a lot of making up to do and words just wouldn't have cut it.

Nikki looked down at Lorraine and all her fears were replaced with relief as a smile spread across Nikki's face. Lorraine looked gorgeous. Hair messy, only a slight remainder of her make up and blue eyes wide, asking to be loved, wanted, needed. And she was.

Nikki didn't say anything. She just held the sheet she'd had wrapped around her naked body open, inviting Lorraine inside it with her. Lorraine moved forward and rested her head against Nikki's bare chest. Listening to her heart beat and hoping it was just for her. Nikki wrapped the sheet closed around Lorraine and kissed her head gently.

"I love you too... You know?" Nikki whispered.

"I do now." Lorraine sighed and closed her eyes.

"We need to talk though... We still have a lot to talk about..." Nikki rested her chin on top of Lorraine's head.

"Shhh. Not now, Nik." Lorraine whispered back. "Can we just stay like this? For a bit?"

Nikki rubbed up and down Lorraine's back over the sheet. Their bodies warm together inside it. Both feeling safe, loved and like they'd come home. Neither wanting this moment to end. They had school in just a few short hours and didn't want to even think about it.

Thoughts of Lola were running through Nikki's mind. She felt guilty for using her the way she had. Nikki wasn't the kind of person to intentionally upset anyone and she hated herself for it. She'd always known deep down that she didn't feel as much for Lola as Lola did for her but she'd tried to convince herself that with time, she'd learn to feel the same. Then Lorraine had come back and she couldn't pretend anymore. She was going to have to explain to Lola why she'd accidentally called her Lorraine... Where would she even start? It would mean being honest, outing Lorraine and Nikki wasn't sure she'd be comfortable with that... And she dreaded asking her.

As if sensing all the apprehension running through Nikki's mind, Lorraine looked up to meet her eyes. Planting soft kisses on her lips. Each kiss, banishing a worry at a time to the back of Nikki's mind. Lorraine raised her hands up Nikki's bare body, stopping to cup her breasts gently, provoking Nikki to deepen the kiss. One hand still holding the sheet around their hot lustful bodies and one hand desperately entangled in Lorraine's messy bed hair. Lorraine moved her hands around Nikki, moving them slowly down her back, her nails pressing a little too hard, down to her perfectly tone backside, pulling her closer, pressing against her as she moved her back through the bedroom and pulled her onto the bed dropping the sheet on the way. Lorraine tried to straddle Nikki on the bed but Nikki hungrily flipped her over so she could straddle her. Pulling Lorraine's loose T shirt from over her head and planting soft wet kisses down her body.

"I... Do... Love... You." Nikki breathed inbetween kisses. To Lorraine but also to herself. Admitting the feelings she tried to deny. "So much." Nikki parted Lorraine's legs and started to kiss her. Slowly, lovingingly, feeling her get wetter and wetter against her tongue, was also exciting Nikki. She wanted them to climax together, looking into each others eyes. Lorraine was already writhing on the bed... Letting out loud moans... Repeating Nikki's name over & over. Nikki climbed up Lorraine, placing her leg inbetween Lorraine's, and one of Lorraine's legs inbetween her. Not breaking eye contact, they moved rhythmically together... Matching each others moans, appreciating the feel of the other against themselves until they finally both relinquished control, letting the waves of pleasure wash over them both, falling into each other, their lips meeting in a state of ecstasy. Exhausted, they closed their eyes, naked bodies entangled with each other... And fell asleep.


	16. Chapter 16

**THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK. Sorry for the delay in updating. Enjoy this chapter :)**

Lorraine groaned and snuggled into Nikki tighter as a phone buzzed on the bedside table. Then her eyes flew open, realising it was Nikki's phone. Nikki was sleeping, looking like an angel, next to Lorraine. Lorraine carefully unpeeled Nikki' arms from around her and reached to grab Nikki's phone. Her heart pounding, not wanting to look at the time, knowing they had fallen asleep for much longer than intended. She swallowed hard and looked at the screen. Christines name was flashing angrily on the screen, when it stopped, Lorraine saw the time was 11am. Shit. She looked down at Nikki and sighed. She looked so peaceful, she really didn't want to wake her up with the horrible news that they were both late. She leant forward and kissed her on the lips. The sides of Nikki's mouth curled upwards and she held Lorraine's face close to hers with both hands.

"Don't hate me..." Lorraine whispered half jokingly.

"Impossible." Nikki kissed the end of Lorraines nose. "Why what's up?"

Lorraine showed Nikki her phone. 16 missed calls from Christine and the time...

" .Fuck!" Nikki shot up in the bed and frantically started to throw her clothes on.

"I'm so sorry babe." Lorraine bit her bottom lip nervously.

"Don't be daft. It's not your fault. Well it is... for being so irresistable." Nikki winked then went back to looking for her shoes. "No idea what I'm going to say to Christine... Looks so dodgy both of us not being there!"

"Fuck her." Lorraine rolled her eyes. Seriously wanting Nikki to just get back in bed.

"Seriously babe. What we gonna say?" Nikki sat on the edge of the bed and Lorraine sat up behind her. Wrapping her arms around her waist and resting her chin on her shoulder.

"You go in... I've not got business studies until this afternoon. I've got a doctors appointment first anyway." Lorraine kissed Nikki on the cheek. "Just say you weren't feeling well."

"Doctors appointment?" Nikki quickly turned around to narrow her eyes worryingly.

"Just a check up." Lorraine forced a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. Nikki realised Lorraine obviously didn't want to talk about it and she didn't have time to drag information out of her. She'd push it later.

"Well did you clear it with your boss?" Nikki raised her eyebrows and stroked down Lorraines back.

"I'm sleeping with her so it's fine." Lorraine waved a hand dismissively and kept a straight face for a couple of seconds before giggling cheekily and pulling Nikki down onto her lips.

"Argh... I... really... need... to...go" Nikki breathed reluctantly inbetween kisses and finally pulled away. Lorraine pouted and held her hand as she walked away. Nikki stopped at the door. "See you later?" There was a sadness in the air between the both of them. Neither wanting to leave their little bubble.

"Yeah.' Lorraine smiled. "And Nikki?"

Nikki stuck her head back around the door. "Hmm?"

"I meant it you know? I love you." Lorraine looked Nikki straight in the eyes. Eyes full of genuine love.

"Me too." Nikki smiled, walked back over to the bed and held Lorraines face in her hands. Stroking down her cheeks with her thumbs as she kissed her on the lips. "Now, I really do need to go. We'll talk properly later."

Lorraine watched Nikki leave sadly and decided to have a cigarette on the balcony. She wrapped a sheet around herself protectively and made her way outside. Breathing in deeply, noticing the gorgeous scent of Nikki still lingering on the sheet. She felt the happiest she'd felt in a long time. Possibly ever. She had a niggly feeling in her stomach though. The talk she and Nikki needed to have... the doctors appointment she'd been trying so hard to not think about... she hated being alone. When you're alone you have too much time to think. She lit her cigarette and stared out to the sea. Trying to block out everything but thoughts of Nikki, going through every little detail of their night (and morning) together. Her smile was soon back and she was counting down the minutes until she'd see her again. She grabbed her phone and decided to text her. Not normally the soppy type but she wasn't normally the kind of person to fall in love either. She was changing and embracing it.

_I miss you already. Hope Christine doesn't give you a hard time. Sorry for distracting you... L xxx _Lorraine smiled and pressed send. Her heart fluttering with excitement at the thought of getting a reply. She didn't have to wait long as her phone vibrated.

_I was just thinking about you! You are a bad influence... I love it though ;) Miss you too. See you later Babe. xxx_

A huge smile spread across Lorraines face. She wasn't going to let anything ruin this feeling. The feeling of belonging. A feeling she'd never had before, one of the only things her millions couldn't buy her. She belonged to Nikki and she to her. She'd never expected it was going to happen for her. She'd felt strange, different to other people, not normal. She just didn't fall in love... until she met Nikki. She kept this in her mind as she got ready to go to the dreaded appointment. No matter what happened today, it wouldn't ruin her mood. No matter how scared she felt...


	17. Chapter 17

**THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS. UPDATING AGAIN TO APOLOGISE FOR THE RECENT LACK OF UPDATES. I LOVE FEEDBACK SO PLEASE KEEP IT COMING :)**

Lorraine walked out of the doctors slowly. White as a sheet, legs like jelly and looking like she'd seen a ghost. The doctors words going around and around her head until she felt so dizzy she had to lean forward and grab hold of the railings. Vomit forcing it's way through her mouth and hitting the pavement in front of her. She ignored the concerned voices around her and pushed past the stranger who had helped her stand up. She needed to get away from people, be on her own, get to her car... to call Nikki. Hearing her voice was the only thing that make her feel better right now. She quickly unlocked her car and jumped in. Slamming the door behind her, slamming the rest of the world out, trying to escape reality. She reached into her bag and pulled out her phone. She already had a text off Nikki. Despite how horrendous Lorraine was feeling this still gave her excited butterflies and she clicked to open it:

_You have no idea how much I need to see your beautiful smiling face. Day from hell...Can't wait for you to make it better ;) x_

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she read it. She really needed to speak to Nikki but didn't want to add to her already shit day. Nikki wanted her to make it better and she wanted to do that. She wanted to do anything she could to make Nikki smile... She didn't want her to feel the way she was feeling right now. She leaned forward and rested her head on the steering wheel. Crying everything out before she needed to drive to school.

Nikki sat in the office with Christine. An air of awkwardness in the room. Christine hadn't bought Nikki's story about feeling unwell this morning and had been fuming that her calls hadn't been answered. Nikki didn't give a shit. She'd covered for Christine enough in the past and this was the first time she'd ever let her down. Plus it had been worth it. Lorraine was worth it.

There was a tapping of nails on the door.

"Come in Sonya" Nikki shouted.

Sonya entered looking like death. The effects of the wine and weed off Zeb obviously taking it's toll on her. "Hiya. Erm, I was just wondering if I'm alright to go a bit earlier today? I'm not feeling too well.."

"Oh why not? Seems people pick and choose their own hours nowadays anyway." Christine shot a sarcastic look at Nikki.

"Is that a yes then?" Sonya danced nervously in the doorway.

"Yes it's fine, Sonya." Nikki nodded towards the door. Praying Sonya wouldn't mention the night before. Sonya smiled gratefully and rushed out.

Nikki rolled her eyes as Christine sighed loudly once again... She'd been doing it since Nikki had got there. She sounded like a deflating balloon and it was doing Nikki's head in.

"You gonna keep this up all day? I've said sorry, Christine. There's not alot else I can do." Nikki tried her hardest to look sorry.

"It's about a lack of respect Nikki. I doubt you'd have just strolled in whenever you felt like it if Michael was still in charge." Christine shook her head angrily. She loved the power and it grated on Nikki but at the end f the day, she was her boss and Nikki had always respected authority.

"I promise. Won't happen again. Ok?" Nikki looked Christine straight in the eyes. Her tone apologetic and genuine. Seemed to do the trick as Christine's tense shoulders lowered and a smile threatened her lips. She nodded and Nikki sighed with relief. That was one problem dealt with. She still had a much bigger apology to make though. She'd managed to avoid Lola all day so far. She was dreading seeing her, she didn't even know where to begin with explaining how she'd been so stupid as to call her Lorraine and to use her to try and get over Lorraine.

"Hi" Lorraine burst through the office doors looking gorgeous. She'd composed herself in her car, redone her make-up and plastered a huge smile on her face. Nikki's heart melted when she saw her and she hoped Christine hadn't noticed.

"Lorraine, What have I told you? You don't just walk into this office anymore." Christine hadn't noticed the effect Lorraines arrival had had on Nikki. She was too busy throwing the beautiful blonde daggers. "And where have you been?"

"I had an appointment" Lorraine spoke casually. She could feel Nikki's eyes on her and she didn't want her to realise something was wrong. Not yet.

"Right well you need to ask me about these things... Honestly, if there's going to be a problem with you adjusting to having us to answer to then I think maybe we should rethink you working here." Christine smirked.

Lorraine opened her mouth to retaliate and Nikki knew she was probably going to tell Christine to Fuck Off, so she jumped in. "Actually Christine, Lorraine did ask. She asked me and I said it was fine. I did write it in the online calender" Nikki lied. She knew Christine could never be bothered checking it, relying on Nikki and Sonya to always manage it. Lorraine smiled over at Nikki. Loving the feeling of her sticking up for her, getting one over on Christine, and protecting her.

"Oh right... Sorry, Lorraine" Christine muttered almost too quietly for anyone to hear. "Anyway, I've got to get to lesson." Christine blushed as she rushed out of the office. Embarrassed and wanting to be away from Lorraines triumphant beaming face.

"Cow" Lorraine giggled to Nikki.

"Tell me about it. She's been a nightmare today!" Nikki leaned back in her chair and looked Lorraine up and down hungrily. "We really need to talk, Lo. Before I talk to Lola..."

"You haven't spoken to her yet then?" There was a desperation in Lorraines voice. Nikki assumed it was disappointment with maybe a hint of jealousy.

"No. I've not had a chance. I will though. I promise. I mean she knows it's over but..."

"I don't think you should finish with her, Nik" Lorraine spoke calmly. As if the words weren't stabbing at her heart.

"What?" Nikki frowned with a slight laugh. Surely Lorraine was joking.

"You heard me." Lorraine whispered with a nod. Not breaking eye contact with Nikki. She needed Nikki to believe her. "It's for the best if you stay with her."

"No fucking way. You are not playing with me like this again. You're keeping something from me... What is it?" Nikki narrowed her eyes suspiciously as she saw a flicker of fear in Lorraines wide eyes. Just for a moment and then her mask was back.

"I just wanted to see if I could have you..." Lorraine lied.

"Have you any idea how fucked up that sounds?" Nikki slammed her hands on the desk.

"So hate me for it" Lorraine shrugged and quickly left the office. While she was still composed. Before Nikki saw right through her...


	18. Chapter 18

Lorraine marched through the corridors. Tears at the back of her eyes threatening to fall. She hadn't planned to finish it with Nikki. Seeing her though had changed everything. As much as she knew she'd have hurt Nikki, she also knew it was for the best. She loved Nikki in ways that she didn't even think possible and the most important thing to her, was making her happy. Nothing else, no one else. She shook her head as if silently forbidding any tears from betraying her and escaping down her face. She was on her way to Business Studies. No idea why as the only reason she'd initially taken that job was to be closer to Nikki and now she just felt like, for Nikkis sake, she should maybe run as fast as she could away from her and get as far as she could. But she couldn't. Wouldn't. Right now she was just focusing on the lesson she had to teach. Back to professional, cold, inhumane Lorraine. On the outside anyway. As she reached her class, she stood for a second, took a deep breath and burst through the classroom door.

"Erm, what the hell do you think you're doing? Seats. Now!" She bellowed at the unruly students taking advantage of the fact the classroom had been adult free.

"Chill miss. We were just having a laugh!" A boy who looked much older than the other kids sucked his teeth. He'd obviously been keep back a year or two.

"Yeah? Well I hope you're still laughing when you're working in McDonalds asking do you want fries with that?" Lorraine was in no mood for spotty little boys trying to act like men.

"Now here is how this lessons going to work. I'm not here for a laugh, I'm here to inspire, and prepare you for the big bad world of business out there. You either stay and learn. Hopefully change your futures... Or you act like smartarses and leave. I won't force you to stay. I've made my money. I don't give a fuck if you still want to waste your lives. Doors there. Leave anytime." With that, Lorraine had their attention.

Nikki had sat in the office going over and over how heartless Lorraine had seemed. She was trying to be angry with her but she couldn't. She knew something wasn't right. She knew Lorraine. She wouldn't tell her she loved her one minute and basically say she'd used her the next... She couldn't sit there speculating. It was going to drive her crazy. She left the office and stormed down the corridors.

"Nikki! Hey!" Lola chased her down a corridor. "I've been looking for you all day."

"Yeah, sorry it's been a bit of a mad one." Nikki avoided eye contact with her. Guilt making her want to vomit.

"I really want to talk to you Nik about last night..." Lola touched Nikki's arm gently but Nikki pulled away quickly. She couldn't bear the touch of anyone else. Anyone who wasn't Lorraine.

"We do need to talk I agree. It's just not now. I've got something I really need to sort out." Nikki marched off again.

"Ok. Later then?" Lola shouted after her. Nikki didn't turn around. Just nodding with a dismissive wave of her hand. Not really paying any attention. Or caring.

"Miss Donnegan, can I have a word please? In private." Nikki burst through the classroom door.

"Errr enough! Settle down. Pick your groups!" Lorraine shouted... silencing the students all laughing and shouting out that Miss was in trouble.

Lorraine nervously bit down on her lower lip and followed Nikki outside the classroom. Once outside, Nikki looked down at Lorraines face but Lorraines eyes were firmly fixed on the ground.

"So? You going to tell me what all that bullshit was about earlier?" Nikkis voice was hard, angry and frustrated.

"There's nothing else to say." Lorraine shrugged. Her eyes still fixed on the ground.

"Look at me. I mean really look at me, in the eyes and tell me you don't love me... I'll walk away and just put all of this down to you being a massive fuck up. But I don't believe that Lo, not until you've looked me in the eyes and said it. Like you really mean it." Nikki's voice was now softer. Treading carefully with Lorraine. Not wanting to push her too far but knowing she had to. Otherwise, like last time they were together, this would all be ruined by unspoken words.

Nikki gently placed her fingers underneath Lorraines chin. Leaning her head up to look her in the eyes. "Tell me. Tell me you don't love me."

Lorraine had weakened under Nikkis touch. The resistance to tears falling before now completely gone. They were running free down her cheeks as she got lost in Nikkis eyes. Lorraine just shook her head. "I can't" she whispered.

Nikki looked around them and pulled Lorraine by the hand gently into the nearest cleaners cupboard. Locking the door behind them.

Nikki held Lorraine by the waist and Loraine didn't resist. Falling forward closer to Nikki. "Please Lorraine. Tell me what all of that was-" Lorraine cut Nikki off. The best way she knew how. She pressed her lips against hers. squeezing her eyes shut, blocking any more tears from falling down her face. Nikki responded by allowing Lorraines tongue to manically find her own.

"No. We need to talk." Nikki pulled away but Lorraine ignored her, her eyes running all over Nikki hungrily. She didn't want to talk she wanted to feel and Nikki was the only one who could do that for her.

"I just need you Nik" Lorraine tugged at Nikki's belt, fumbling with excited nervous hands to get it open. Nikki didn't help her, as if she wasn't having any part of this. They both knew she was though as Lorraines hand managed to find it's way into Nikki's pants, she moaned into Nikki's mouth, feeling that despite Nikki's attempts to talk instead, she was wet with excitement and ready for Lorraine. Nikki finally gave in and her hands travelled up Lorraines outer thighs, hitching her dress up and pushing her against the metal makeshift shelves in the cleaners cupboard. Lorraine continued to work her magic on Nikki. Slow, gently thrusts as if apologising for upsetting her. As if she wanted it to last forever. Ignoring the less than romantic surroundings and feeling like they were both on cloud nine. Nikki was kissing at Lorraines neck hard. Full of anger, confusion and passion. Her hand had also now found it's way onto Lorraine and she was stroking her, teasingly. She hated that she didn't have control over this, she knew deep down it was wrong, they needed to be talking. She also knew that she couldn't resist Lorraine. Lorraines slow sensual movement in Nikki's pants finally got too much to take and Nikki was soon letting out small silent gasps of Lorraines name as her body shuddered with delight. Lorraine kissed Nikki on the lips and looked up wide eyed, eyes full of want. Nikki sighed. How could she not give Lorraine what she wanted? She could never say no to her. And she didn't want to. Nikki stopped teasing Lorraine and gave her what she wanted. Her. As Lorraine's body gave in, quite quickly as pleasing Nikki had already made her close... She held Nikki close against her. Arms wrapped tightly around her. Squeezing her maybe a little too hard. As if it was the first time she'd ever held someone, or been held by someone else. Nikki was a little stunned but just stroked up and down Lorraines back, kissing her on top of her golden locks. She could feel Lorraines shoulders shake as she silently sobbed.

"It's ok. I'm here. I'm here, sweetheart." Nikki squeezed Lorraine back. This confirmed what she'd already suspected, that something was wrong. Lorraine wouldn't be able to tell her right now though, even if she wanted to. It felt like Lorraine was letting go of herself and Nikki knew this would be the first time in a long time that she had, if not the first time ever and she realised she must have needed to. So sh wasn't going to push her into talking until she was ready. She was just going to be there for her. Hold her. Let he know that whatever it is, she's loved.


	19. Chapter 19

"Hey" A huge smile spread across Nikkis face a she opened her front door to see Lorraine standing there. Lorraine looked alot better than when she'd last saw her when they parted ways after he cleaning cupboard. She'd been home, recurled her hair and pinned it all up, revealing her slender neck just screaming to be kissed, and redone her makeup. Smoky grey eyes to compliment the fierce blue and bright red lipstick. She'd slipped on a tight black strapless dress and looked effortlesly stunning. Nikki could tell it had't been effortless though, she'd spent time getting ready. Just for her. And Nikki loved that.

"I'm feeling slightly underdressed Lo." Nikki finally spoke after she'd taken in every inch of Lorraine. Nikki had just thrown on some jeans and a tee.

"You look gorgeous" Lorraine smiled genuinely. Nikki always looked gorgeous to her. She could be stood there in a binbag. "We gonna stand out here all night or?" Lorraine giggled.

"Sorry... sorry.. come in" Nikki grabbed Lorraines hand and gently pulled her into the house. Lorraine stroked the top of Nikki's hand with her thumb as she lead her through to the living room.

They sat next to each other uncharacteristically nervous. They were never nervous around each other. They'd never felt more comfortable with anyone else but there was so much to say, both wanting to ask questions they weren't sure they wanted the answers to.

Nikki fumbled pouring them both a glass of wine. Lorraine watched her, wanting to shuffle closer to her on the sofa, wanting to kiss her... but she knew where that would lead and they needed to talk.

Nikki passed Lorraine a glass of wine and looked her up and down again. "So... are we going out? I thought we were just staying in but I can go and get changed?"

"No.. we are staying in. I just... wanted to look nice. For you." Lorraine blushed taking a sip of her wine. It was true, she had wanted to look nice for Nikki but she'd also dressed up for herself. She needed to look good to feel confidence, to be brave and talk to Nikki. Really talk to her. Looking good on the outside always gave her the confidence she needed to get through difficult times in her life. She'd always done it.

"So... I think I know what you're going to say..." Nikki looked down into her wine glass, nervously swilling it around.

Lorraine didn't say anything. Just furrowing her brows, Nikki couldn't possibly know what she was going to say... She didn't even know herself. Couldn't find the words. She knew the right word, but didn't want to say it.

"You're scared aren't you? I mean we've never actually spoken about your sexuality but I'm guessing you're not openly gay, are you?" Nikki looked Lorraine in the eye.

"Well no... but" Lorraine wished that was the problem.

"So you feel confused... ashamed...?" Nikki took a gulp of her wine. Not wanting to hear the answer.

"Nikki..." Lorraine placed her hand on her girlfriends thigh. "No... I don't. I've never been so sure of anything or anyone my whole life. You're right, I've never been openly gay... but I've never been openly straight either." Lorraine looked up at Nikki hoping she understood even though she knew her words were making no sense whatsoever. "What I mean is... I've just never been interested in anyone... like that, you know? I've never loved anyone or wanted anyone to love me. I thought I was just a bit weird... a loner... but turns out, I just needed to meet you... You once said you wouldn't put your heart on the line so I could get some practise in at being a human being..."

Nikki cringed at this and shook her head. She'd always regretted saying that. It was just the hurt at the time making her snap, dismiss Lorraines explanation.

"Well it's not that I was practising Nik, I don't feel like a human when I'm not with you. You make me come alive. Feel. Love. You've saved me." Tears were welling in Lorraines eyes. Nikki leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. Truly touched by her words.

"I don't get it then? Why were you trying to push me towards Lola?" Nikki stroked the sides of Lorraines now tearstained cheeks.

"I'm not well Nikki." Lorraine looked to the ground. "I've... erm..."

Nikki could see Lorraine struggling to find the words and although her heart was pounding so fast she thought it might leap out of her chest, she remained calm and took hold of Lorraines shaky hands in her lap. "Go on... You can tell me..."

"I've got Cancer. Breast cancer." Lorraine broke down. Shaking, sobbing, struggling for breath she collapsed forward onto Nikkis lap. As if she'd just heard the C word for the first time. The first time she'd heard it out loud and admitted it to herself.

Nikki held her on her lap. Now unable to control her own tears as they fell freely down her face. They held each other and cried until there were no tears left. Then they sat like that in silence for what seemed like forever.

"So what are we going to do next?" Nikki pulled Lorraine up to look at her. Lorraine smiled at the use of the word 'We'

"Well the doctor said, we've caught it quite early... First thing is a lumpectomy... Then we take it from there." Lorraine bit hard on her bottom lip. "It's so unfair Nikki... I feel like this is the first time in my life I've been truly happy and now it's all going to be taken away from me... from us."

"Hey... don't you dare do that. We are going to fight this and we are going to win. I'm not losing you ever again. Come here." Nikki hugged Lorraine tightly and stroked her hair. Hoping that she hadn't just lied. She wanted to be strong for Lorraine but inside her heart was breaking.

"Not interrupting anything am I?" Lola stood in the doorway holding the key Nikki had forgotten she had.

Nikki and Lorraine quickly sat up. Lorraine not looking towards Lola as she wiped her tears away. She wouldn't show her vulnerable side to anyone. Other than Nikki.

"Lola... What are you doing here?" Nikki silently cursed herself for ever allowing Lola to have a key. It was just used as a distraction from having to sleep with her.

"We needed to talk. You said later, remember? To be honest I don't think we need to now... All seems pretty clear to me." Lola nodded toward Lorraine who still wasn't looking towards her. Keeping her back to her.

"I should go." Lorraine mumbled and stood up.

"No. You don't need to." Nikki grabbed her arm.

"Honestly it's fine. You ladies need to talk." Lorraine forced a smile and made her way past Lola. Still not looking at her. Leaving Nikki and Lola alone...


	20. Chapter 20

**THANKYOU FOR THE REVIEWS. SORRY IT WAS A BIT SAD. x**

Nikki swallowed hard as Lola still stood in the doorway. Looking down at her, hurt and humiliated. Nikki wished she cared and knew she should but all she could think about was Lorraine and how she should be with her right now. As bad as she felt about how she'd treated Lola, she just wanted this over and done with as fast as possible.

"So?" Lola finally sat down next to a silent Nikki. "You know... I wasn't too bothered about you accidentally saying Lorraine last night... I thought it was a genuine mistake... we'd been drinking, spent the evening with her and I thought it was just a slip of the tongue... I've come round here to tell you it's fine, I don't mind... But it's not fine. Is it?" Lola looked down at her hands.

"No. I love her Lola. I can't apologise for that. I won't." Nikki was straight to the point. She really didn't have the time or headspace for this.

"So what was I then?" Lola frowned looking straight into Nikkis eyes, searching for emotion that just wasn't there.

"I guess... I guess I thought you could help me get over her but-" Nikki shrugged

"Wait a minute... It's Lorraine? She's the ex who ruined your life?" The penny finally dropped for Lola.

"Yeah but it wasn't that simple. I was angry when I told you about it all. Still hurting." Nikki wished she'd never opened up to Lola. Looking at her, she felt nothing.

"She'll do it again Nikki. She'll hurt you. I'd never do anything to upset you. I love you." Lola held Nikkis hand desperately searching all over Nikkis face.

"I'm so sorry Lola. I should never have lead you on." Nikki shook her head and pulled her hand away.

"You might learn to love me too though. At least I'm safe, at least you know how much I love you." Lola pleaded trying to hold Nikkis hand again but Nikki stood up, moving away from her, turning her back on her.

"But I don't want safe. I want Lorraine." Nikki wiped her hands on her pants as if she needed to get any evidence of Lolas touch gone. Guiltily feeling like it was a form of cheating.

"You'll come back. You will. We're meant to be together Nikki." Lola spoke cooly. Scarily so. With that she was gone. Nikki watched her walk down the path through the window and breathed a sigh of relief when she was out of sight.

Lorraine was sitting on the balcony. Drinking a glass of wine, closing her eyes as the warm liquid hit her throat and burned down her chest. She felt so much better after telling Nikki. Like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders Well half of it, because they were going to deal with it together. As a couple. Despite everything else, that made Lorraine smile. She trusted Nikki completely and if she said it was going to be ok, then maybe she was right. People do beat Cancer. They do. Everyday. Maybe, just maybe Lorraine would be one of the lucky ones. She knew one thing for sure, now that she had Nikki, she wasn't going to give up without a fight. She finally had something to live for. Her money, properties, businesses, they meant nothing to her and she'd give them all up tomorrow if it would buy her more time with Nikki. Nikki. Lorraines heart went out to her right now. She knew Nikki wasn't the confrontational type and would be hating having to explain herself to Lola. Lorraine wondered if she was right to have left... maybe she should've stayed? Helped her explain... Apologise to Lola. Perfect, healthy, smiley Lola. Ugh. Lorraine suddenly felt a pang of jealousy at them being alone together.

"Get a grip, Lorraine" Lorraine shook her head and poured another glass of wine. Nikki wouldn't cheat on her. She loved her. Unless she was so freaked out by the Cancer bombshell, upset, and Lola was there to comfort her? Lorraine tutted at her over active imagination. Nikki was hers and she was Nikkis. Properly this time. For keeps. She wished she was there though, the longer she was parted from Nikki, the harder keeping the big C word at the back of her mind was. She had so many questions... Why her? Was she being punished for something? What if the lumpectomy didn't work? She'd have to have more treatment... would she lose her hair? Before Lorraine knew it, tears were streaming down her face. She didn't want to put Nikki through this, but she knew she had no choice, Nikki knew now and would be there for her no matter what. Lorraine was so grateful for that but also so sad that they'd wasted so much time apart. All her own fault and it angered her.

Lorraine picked up her phone for the tenth time to check if Nikki had text. She'd been ages, it can't take that long to tell someone it's over... She hadn't text and Lorraine was starting to panic. Regret telling her. She opened another bottle of wine, she probably didn't need to, her head was already spinning and the alcohol wasn't numbing her like it should. It was making everything seem ten times worse. She looked at herself in the mirror. Still in her dress, hair pinned up. Immaculate, except for her face. Black lines of sadness covering her cheeks. She was about to wipe them off but was interrupted by the doorbell. Ugh. She didn't want to see anyone and was certain it would be Sonya, come round to gush about Zeb. She decided to ignore it but the noise was getting louder and louder.

"For gods sake" Lorraine muttered under her breath and made her way to answer it. Swaying slightly and realising just how drunk she was. She opened the door with a heavy heart. A heart that fluttered back alive when she saw Nikki smiling down on her.

"Hello gorgeous." Nikki stepped towards Lorraine and wiped away the black smudges on her cheeks.

"I wasn't expecting you to come over?" Lorraine leaned her head into Nikkis chest with a smile.

"Leave you on your own? You don't get rid of me that easily." Nikki stroked down Lorraines back. "You look exhausted. Lets go to bed" Nikki took Lorraines hand, taking contol, leading her to the bedroom.

Neither having the energy to even undress, they lay in bed, Nikki spooning Lorraine, holding her tightly, she kissed her neck once and they both closed their eyes. Lorraine holding Nikkis hand that was wrapped around her. They drifted into a peaceful sleep. Holding each other as if they would drift apart, as if their lives depended on it. For Lorraine right now, it did.


	21. Chapter 21

Lorraine fluttered her eyes open slowly. Feeling Nikki's warmth still wrapped around her. They hadn't moved an inch all night and were still in the same position as they'd fallen to sleep in. Lorraine still holding onto Nikki's hands, Nikki's knees still spooned in the crooks of Lorraines. Lorraine turned slowly to face Nikki, Nikki didn't wake up but just tightened her arms around Lorraine, the movement making her instinctively pull her in closer. Their noses now touching, Lorraine just watched her beautiful girlfriend sleep. Her eyes flickering every now and then, dreaming, Lorraine hoped it was about her. She kissed the freckles on Nikki's nose and pulled back again to get a better view of her face. She looked like an angel, smooth milky unblemished skin, long dark eyelashes and perfectly pink lips, parted slightly to reveal her pearl white teeth. She was an angel. Lorraines angel. Sent to help her through what was going to be the hardest time of her life. Lorraine brushed a stray strand of hair from Nikki's face and gently kissed her lips. She wanted to wake her up now, she needed to see her beautiful sparkling eyes.

"Morning babe." Lorraine whispered into Nikki's lips.

Nikki stirred and blinked a few times until Lorraine was completely in focus. "Have you been watching me sleep?" Nikki rubbed her eyes sleepily.

"That depends... do you think that would be weird?" Lorraine scrunched up her nose and Nikki leant forward and kissed it.

"A little bit yes... but also very cute." Nikki smiled into a kiss from Lorraine.

"Then yes... Yes I was." Lorraine smiled right back. Running her fingers through Nikki's messy bed hair and deepening their kiss. Their tongues waking the other up, coming to life and dancing together in perfect rhythm.

Nikki pulled back and held Lorraine's face with both of her hands. Just silently looking at her for a moment. Lorraine could see pity in Nikki's eyes and she didn't like it. She didn't like it at all. She opened her mouth to break the silence.

"So... How did it go last night?" Lorraine held one of Nikki's hands on her face.

"Surprisingly well..." Nikki smiled back. Relief filling her as she remembered breaking up with Lola.

"You didn't tell her about me having... You know... about me being ill." Lorraine stuttered.

"Of course not, darling. But we do need to tell Christine... You need some time off." Nikki stroked Lorraines hair.

"No... My op isn't until next week, Nik. I want to work until then." Lorraine shook her head. Moving away from Nikki slightly. The pity was back in her eyes and it was making Lorraine feel sick.

"No way, Lorraine. You're resting." Nikki got up out of bed and started to get dressed. "I'll speak to Cristine this morning."

"No!" Lorraine snapped then instantly regretted it when she saw the hurt on Nikkis face. "I'm not ready for everyone to look at me the way you just did..." Lorraine looked to the ground.

"Like how?" Nikki frowned.

"Like you pity me." Lorraine bit on her bottom lip trying her hardest not to cry. This was all becoming so real and it was making her stomach churn.

"That isn't pity, Lo. It's care. I care about you. And I love you more than anything. I just want to make sure we're doing all we can to get you better." Nikki moved to Lorraine and snaked her arms around her waist. Looking her directly in the eyes.

"I know. I'm just not ready to tell people yet... and working will take my mind off it. Please? I really need to keep busy... keep things as normal as possible." Lorraine kissed Nikki on the lips.

"Ok. You win. As always..." Nikki giggled "But you do need to tell Sonya." Nikki spoke firmly. She won't compromise on this. Lorraine groaned and looked at the ceiling. She knew Nikki was right. She also knew how her overly dramatic Sister would take the news. Badly.

"Fine." Lorraine sighed. "I'll tell her today."

"That's my girl." Nikki kissed up Lorraines neck until she found her lips. "Now we better get ready... I'll have to discipline you if you're late." Nikki raised her eyebrows.

"Is that so?" Lorraine stroked her hands up Nikki's back seductively with a cheeky grin.

"Yes!" Nikki patted Lorraines backside playfully "Come on... Get ready."

"Tease." Lorraine poked her tongue out.

"Right well I better be going, need to have a quick shower and get changed" Nikki looked around for her shoes.

"Actually. I was thinking..." Lorraine stuttered.

"Uh oh.." Nikki winked cheekily.

"I was thinking that... maybe... I mean you don't have to... but maybe it would be better if... I mean if it's too soon I won't be offended if you say no... Just an idea... but maybe you should... erm..." Lorraine was blushing nervously.

"Spit it out then?" Nikki frowned with a slight giggle. Lorraine looked like a shy little girl and it was really cute.

"Move in with me?" Lorraine spoke quickly as if if she didn't say the words fast, they might never come out. Nikki opened her mouth, she wasn't expecting that. "Stupid ide... You think it's too soon? SOrry... just forget I said anything." Lorraines eyes were quickly on the ground again.

"There's nothing I'd love more, Lo." Nikki walked over and stroked up Lorraines arms. "Let's do it!" A massive smile spread across Nikki's face.

"Really?!" Lorraine beamed back.

"Absolutely. You're gonna have to make some room in that wardrobe for my stuff though..." Nikki nodded towards the ridiculously stuffed wardrobe full of all Lorraines designer clothes.

"Deal." Lorraine kissed Nikki quickly on the lips.

"See you later then." Nikki couldn't help but grin like a cheshire cat and this was reflected on Lorraine's face too as she watched her leave.

Lorraine looked around her bedroom and it instantly looked brighter, happier and much more full of love at the idea of Nikki living there. Waking up next to her every morning, kissing her goodnight, every night. Things were going so perfectly Almost too perfectly. That silently worried Lorraine. But she put the worries to the back of her mind. There was no point worrying about the Cancer. Until she knew what she was dealing with after the operation, she just needed to be strong. For Nikki, for herself, and today for her little Sister, Sonya. She knew it was going to be so hard telling her.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks or the reviews! Sorry this bit is way long...**

"What?" Sonya gasped grabbing Lorraine's hands."C... Cancer?"

Lorraine nodded looking down at her hands in Sonya's clutch. She couldn't bear to see the fear on Sonya's face. She needed to keep it together.

"But... you can't have... I mean... Maybe they've made a mistake, Lo? We should get a second opinion. Yeah. That's what we'll do we'll-"

"No Son. They haven't made a mistake." Lorraine shook her head and looked up and Sonya. Her little Sisters face full of tears. And there was that look. Pity. "But hey... listen, it's going to be fine. They've caught it early and it's all going to be alright. Ok?" Lorraine forced a smile. Trying to convince herself just as much as she was Sonya. Sonya just nodded and wiped her tears away.

"You're not going through it alone though. I'm going to be there... Every appointment, every consultation, all of it You can't do this alone, Sis. No way."

"Oh. Well that's the thing... I have got some good news actually... I won't be going through it alone. You see... Between just us... Promise me?" Lorraine raised her eyebrows.

"Promise... What is it?" Sonyas eye's widened. She loved a bit of gossip and very rarely got some off her Sister

"Well me and Nikki... We're back together. Well properly together. Not like last time. I won't fuck it up again. I love her." Lorraine smiled. Genuinely this time.

"That's brilliant!" Sonya hugged Lorraine a bit too tightly. "I mean not for Lola but for for you two. I'm really happy for you." Sonya pulled back from the hug to look her big Sister in the eyes. "About the other thing though... The Ca... the you know? If there's anything at all I can do to help. Please let me know, yeah? I wanna be there for you. I mean it." Sonya squeezed Lorraines shoulders and Lorraine smiled gratefully. "You want me to come with you to tell Mum?"

Lorraine quickly lost her smile. Ever since Lorraine was a little girl, whenever she was ill or upset, she'd go to her Mum. She was a Mummys girl, unlike Sonya, who their Dad doted on. But now her Mum didn't even know who she was. She continued to visit her but it broke her heart. She'd been thinking about going to tell her but what would be the point?

"No. I'll do it." Lorraine forced a smile despite tears welling in her eyes.

"What's this? I don't pay you both to sit around chatting all day!" Christine stormed into reception.

"Actually Christine we were talking about-" Sonya stood up angrily.

"Sonya!" Lorraine shook her head firmly. She knew Sonya was just trying to stick up for her but she didn't want Christine knowing she was sick. Sympathy from that woman was the last thing she needed right now.

"Oh I can guess what you were talking about... Lorraine my office. Now." Christine marched through to her office and sat down. Lorraine rolled her eyes and reluctantly followed her in.

"What's this about?" Lorraine sat down impatiently opposite Christine.

"One minute..." Christine smirked. Making Lorraine sweat it out a little longer. Little did she know, Lorraine had much more important things on her mind and this, whatever it was, was a welcome distraction.

"You wanted to see me?" Nikki entered looking flustered and confused when she saw Lorraine sitting in there too.

"Yes. Close the door please, Nikki. Take a seat." Christine ushered Nikki into the seat next to Lorraine opposite her.

"Bit formal isn't it?" Nikki stifled a laugh but quickly stopped it escaping her lips when she saw the anger on Christine's face.

"What do you two think you're playing at?" Christine looked from Nikki and back to Lorraine so manically hey both thought her flushed head might fall off. "Do you think I really want to come into school in the mornings and have to sit with one of our teachers... One of our best teachers, for half an hour and council her because she's so upset?"

Lorraine and Nikki looked at each other confused... Thinking it had been one of them she was talking about.

"Lola...!" Christine slammed her hands on the desk. Hating the fact she wasn't even entering their minds and they seemed too wrapped up in each other.

"Erm... I'm sorry, Christine but I hardly think any of this is your business!" Nikki stood up to leave.

"SIT DOWN!" Christine screamed making Nikki and Lorraine jump a little. Nikki sat back down like a naughty school kid and Lorraine had to bite her lip to stop herself from giggling.

"For christ sake, calm down. You'll give yourself a nosebleed." Lorraine rolled her eyes.

"Nikki, I wasn't very happy with you seeing another teacher in he first place... then you go and do the dirty on her with her." Christine looked down her nose at Lorraine.

"Look you haven't got a clue and I am not having this conversation with you. If Lola has brought this into work then that's her unprofessionalism, not mine. You need to take it up with her." Nikki held her hands up defensively.

"So you're not denying it then?" Christine narrowed her eyes.

Nikki looked to Lorraine for permission to out them. Lorraine just shrugged. It was the last of her worries and she was finding the whole thing ridiculous.

"Yes. We're a couple. But we remain professional and it won't interfere with our work at all." Nikki looked Christine straight in the eye. Refusing to be intimidated by this over angry woman.

"You do realise she's using you to get to me?" Christine quipped looking straight back into Nikki's eyes. Infuriated that Nikki was showing no sign of remorse, regret, nothing.

"No offence, Christine but you're not my type." Lorraine screwed her nose up and laughed.

"You know what I mean... You're using Nikki to get to me to try and get the school back. I know what you're up to." Christine eyed Lorraine suspiciously.

"How dare you!" Nikki spat angrily but Lorraine grabbed her arm.

"It's ok Nikki. I've got this." Lorraine turned back to face Christine. "Have you ever thought about talking to someone about that paranoia? I've no interest in the school. I had more than my fill of it. I love Nikki. People can love other people you know? without there being an ulterior motive..."

"You love nobody but yourself." Christine snarled.

"Believe what you want. We done here?" Lorraine smiled annoyingly enough to really grate on Christine.

"For now. Yes. One sign of any kind of unprofessionalism from either of you and you're both out. I won't have good teachers upset and not wanting to come into school because of the likes of you. Get out." Christine nodded towards the door. Not quite sure what she'd expected fro their little confrontation but it definitely wasn't to feel defeated yet again by Lorraine Donnegan. She watched them both leave in disgust.

Once completely out of Christines sight, Lorraine grabbed hold of Nikki's hand.

"You don't think any of that, do you?" Lorraine looked up at Nikki.

"Like you even need to ask... What's Lola up to though? She seemed fine with it when I told her... Then goes running to Christine?" Nikki frowned.

"Oh forget about it." Lorraine gently stroked Nikki's face. "She's out to get us now though, Nik. We need to make sure we don't give her an excuse. I'm not having you losing your job over me."

"Never mind any of that... How did Sonya take it?" Nikki smiled sadly. Already knowing the answer.

"She was upset... but really happy about us two." Lorraine smiled.

"Yeah?" Nikki looked chuffed that she had Lorraines Sisters approval.

"Yeah. There is one thing though... I need to go and see my Mum. Was wondering if you wanted to come with me?" Lorraine bit her lip nervously. She'd not told Nikki about her Mum yet but now they were together properly, she wanted to share everything with her.

"Of course I do." Nikki smiled but they quickly parted as students started filling up the corridors.

"See you later then" Lorraine shouted to Nikki over the rowdy students.

"I love you." Nikki mouthed silently and Lorraine watched her get lost in the sea of students. Her heart smiling.


	23. Chapter 23

**THANK YOU FOR CONTINUING TO READ THIS RUBBISH x**

"Come on then." Nikki grabbed Lorraine's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. They were standing outside the residential home where Lorraine's Mum lived. Nikki had never seen Lorraine looking so scared. She'd taken almost an hour to be coaxed out of the car. They were now standing at the bottom of the stone staircase leading up to the entrance doors.

Lorraine had explained to Nikki all about her Mum. Every detail. She'd even ashamedly admitted the time she hadn't been to visit her, paying the bills but turning her back. Selfishly believing it was for the best. Until Sonya had informed her she'd called her Lorraine. Now she visited regularly but her Mum still didn't recognise her and Lorraine was starting to ask herself why she had brought Nikki. Introducing her to the saddest part of her life. Her past was wrapped up in this woman who now didn't even know who she was, just an empty shell, she looked like the woman who had brought her up but there was nothing behind her eyes anymore and it broke Lorraine's heart.

Lorraine looked up at Nikki, her bottom lip physically quivering. Then she saw just why she'd brought Nikki. As Nikki smiled down at her, Lorraine saw her future. Love, kindness and understanding oozed from Nikki's every pore and it soothed Lorraine. Made her feel like she could do anything. It was time for her future to meet her past.

"Let's do this." Lorraine nodded and squeezed Nikki's hand right back as they walked up the cold concrete steps. Lorraine's heels announcing their arrival. Lorraine lowered her shoulders and forced a smile onto her face.

Nikki and Lorraine dropped each others hands as they entered the lounge, Lorraine instantly felt the coldness in her palm and missed the feel of Nikki's soft skin against her own. Lorraine looked down at her empty hand and up to Nikki who smiled with a nod. She was still there. There for Lorraine. Lorraine nodded back and made her way to where she could see her Mum sitting with her back to them. Nikki followed slowly.

"Hey" Lorraine touched her Mum's shoulder and she jumped a little. "Sorry.. it's ok. It's just me."" Lorraine smiled down at her Mum. "And this is my friend Nikki..."

"Hello." Nikki smiled and sat down next to Lorraine.

"Oh you brought someone else to see me too. I do feel spoiled!" Lorraine's Mum beamed. "I do wish you'd brought Lorraine too though." She added with a sad smile.

Nikki looked at Lorraine and saw the hurt in her eyes. "Here... we brought you a cake." Nikki quickly changed the subject and handed the cake over with a smile.

"Oooh then we're best friends already. It's just if Lorraine was here... she'd love this. Do you know Lorraine too, Nikki?" Lorraines Mum was already ripping the cake box open.

"I do yeah. She's one of the most amazing people I've ever met." Nikki nodded and noticed the grateful glance from Lorraine.

"Yes I'm very proud." Lorraines Mum nodded. "My Lorraine. She's one of the good ones."

"Sorry... I just need to.." Lorraine was up and off out of the room. Tears down her face. It was too much. She needed to tell her Mum about her illness but didn't think it was right. She didn't even know her. Why upset her?

"I'll just go and-" Nikki tried to stand up but Lorraine's Mum put a hand gently on her knee.

"I'll go dear. You stay here and slice the cake." She smiled at Nikki.

Lorraine was in the corridor outside the lounge. Tears had totally consumed her and she slid down the white wall, sitting on the floor, looking small, vulnerable and childlike, she sobbed and sobbed until a voice disturbed her...

"Lorri? My little Lorri? What are you doing crying out here on your own? Has Sonya broken one of your toys again?" Lorraines Mum knelt down next to a stunned Lorraine. In her childlike state on the floor, her Mum recognised her.

"No Mum... It's not that... I'm ill. Really ill." Lorraine looked all over her Mum's face. Knowing the familiarity wouldn't last and wanting to savour the moment. She played along.

"Well come here. All you need is a nice Mummy cuddle. You can stay off school today." She wrapped her arms around her sobbing daughter and Lorraine leant into her Mum. All she'd needed was a cuddle from her, a look like she used to give her when she was small and a kind familiar word. This was perfect but short lived as the glimmer of hope behind her Mum's eyes started fading again and in it's place was confusion.

Lorraine stopped crying and jumped to her feet. Holding out her hand to help her Mum up. They rejoined Nikki who looked concerned by Lorraine's tear stained face. But was soon put at ease when she noticed the genuine smile she was wearing as she sat back down. They all shared cake and looked through Lorraine's Mums recent needle work. The visiting hour went faster than normal and Lorraine was sad to see it come to an end knowing this was the last time she'd be seeing her Mum before she had her operation. As much as she was playing it down, it is a serious operation and god knows what could go wrong.

"I might not be able to come and visit again for a while..." Lorraine looked to the ground guiltily then wrapped her arms around her confused Mothers shoulders whispering "Love you, Mum." With that, Lorraine was gone. Not wanting to break down again, not wanting the earlier magic moment between them to be ruined, she headed back to the car without looking back.

"Well, this was nice." Lorraine's Mum smiled widely at Nikki and hugged her tightly. "You take care of that gorgeous girl, won't you?" She winked at a shocked Nikki. They'd not mentioned being together or give anything away at all.

"Is it that obvious?" Nikki sighed.

"I might be old and confused... But I know a look of love when I see it." She smiled and sat back down, continuing to make her way through the cake.

"I'll look after her. I promise." Nikki nodded. Never before had a promise been so easy to make. She'd always effortlessly look after Lorraine. She couldn't even visualise a life without her anymore. That's what made thinking about the week coming so much harder...


	24. Chapter 24

**WOW thanks for the absolutely gorgeous reviews. You all make me smile and want to update much faster!**

****ONE WEEK LATER****

The past week had surprisingly been one of the best weeks of both Lorraine & Nikki's lives. Nikki had moved in straight away and despite the lingering worry in the air of the week to come, they'd made the most of each other. Getting to know all there was to know about the other, embracing each others weird little habits and mixing their belongings together in their home. Sharing their lives and feeling like everything was finally slotting into place.

They both sat in Nikki's car in the hospital car park. Nikki played with her hands in her lap, while Lorraine held her bag full of everything she'd need for the next few days, on her knee.

"Please, Lorraine. At least let me walk you in?" Nikki looked up at Lorraine. As much as Lorraine was trying to hide it, Nikki could see the fear in her normally sparkling eyes. Lorraine smiled and shook her head.

"No, you can't be late for the board meeting, it's really important." Lorraine spoke firmly and Nikki couldn't help but smile.

"You're not the boss anymore, you know?" Nikki let out a small laugh.

"No but Christine is and she's dying for an excuse to get rid of you. I won't let her have anything over you, Nik. I won't let anyone. Plus you know I hate goodbyes." Lorraine looked back down at her bag. Wishing it was full of holiday clothes for her and Nikki. Wishing they were just running away together. Just them two. Away from Christine, away from this hospital, away from the Cancer. She needed to get out of the car before she changed her mind. "So... I'm going to go in."

"Not so fast..." Nikki grabbed Lorraine's hand and pulled her closer. Kissing her forehead then Lorraine pulled her face up to look Nikki in the eyes, cup her face with both hands and kiss her on the lips. Softly at first then more desperately, parting Nikki's lips with her tongue and finding hers. Exploring every single inch of Nikkis mouth, holding her face tightly. As if she never wanted the kiss to end. Only pulling apart a couple of times to look all over Nikkis face then resuming the kiss hungrily. They finally stopped for air and Nikki had tears in her eyes.

"Don't you do that. Don't kiss me like it's the last time." Nikki blinked back the tears. She wouldn't allow them to fall, she needed to be strong for Lorraine. Lorraine swallowed hard, kissed Nikki one more time quickly on the lips and hurried out of the car.

Nikki stayed in the car and watched her disappear through the darkness inside the hospital doors. Lorraine didn't look back, she couldn't, her face was now full of tears and she didn't want Nikki to see her that way. She held her head high so that from the back, it would seem like she was confident, calm and ready. But inside she was a quivering mess. Petrified of what was going to happen once she was inside.

Nikki banged her head on the steering wheel and let the tears she'd so selflessly held back fall freely down her face. She'd not cried in front of Lorraine. Believing the calmer she was, the easier it would be for girlfriend. But now, now that she'd started, she couldn't stop. She sat in the car park until there were no tears left to cry. A few times she'd nearly jumped out and followed Lorraine inside. But Lorraine had insisted she go to school and so maybe she wanted to go through it alone... maybe that made it easier for her to deal with and Nikki had to respect that. So she drove to work with a heavy heart and an empty passenger seat. Lorraines perfume still lingered in the car and Nikki cherished it. Breathing as deeply as she could, trying to pretend Lorraine was still in there with her.

Lorraine sat in the waiting room nervously fiddling with her hands in her lap. She looked around at all the posters peeling off the walls, looking for something to distract her but it was all so grim. Maybe her next project should be to invest in a hospital... make sure they only put positive posters on the walls, some relaxing music on in the background, instead of having to listen to how hungover the young lady on reception was. Yeah that's what she'd do when she's better... If she get's better. She tapped her fingers lightly on her knees and looked around at the other patients. Wondering if they all had the big C too. They all looked as terrified as she felt. She also noticed they were all with someone. She was the only one alone. She secretly wished Nikki could've been here with her. She caught the eye of another lady waiting and there it was. The look of pity. Lorraine just smiled confidently back. She might not be ill for all this stranger knew, she could be just waiting for someone. She leant forward and picked up a magazine. Ugh. Smiley celebrities moaning about never getting any privacy whilst talking for three pages about their latest boob job. Unnecessary boob jobs... why would they put themselves through that? Lorraine had never been so scared about anything in her life. Yet people like that choose to do it.

"Ms Donnegan? You can come through now." An older nurse smiled down at Lorraine. Lorraine instantly liked her. She had a caring face and eyes full of kindness. She followed her, feeling a little calmer.

Nikki sat in the meeting around a table of Christine, a man from the council and three men from the educational board. They were all discussing the changes to the curriculum. Nikki hadn't heard a word anyone had said, she just been knocked out of her thoughts of Lorraine a couple of times by Christines loud cackle as she shamelessly flirted with the chubby, old, red faced men. Nikki silently wondered if it was a condition of employment at the educational board to ave grey hairs protruding from your nose. Christine seemed to like it as she occasionally touched their arms and laughed at whatever they said. Nikki looked at the clock It was now 10.30 and she knew Lorraine would probably be being prepared for her op. She wondered how she was feeling. Wishing she was there to stroke her forehead and kiss her cheek. Reassure her that everything was going to be fine.

"Nikki... are you listening?" Christine scowled across the table.

"Yeah... of course I am..." Nikki lied. Smiling around the table at all the eyes that were suddenly on her.

"Oh yeah? So what did just say then...?" Christine asked cockily, raising her eyebrows so high that Nikki thought they might get knotted into her mousy, straw-like bob.

"You asked me if I was listening." Nikki stared right back. She wasn't in the mood for this. Didn't like being spoken to like a child.

"Oh very mature..." Christine pursed her lips. "You've had your eyes glued on that clock since we started... If there's somewhere else you'd rather be?"

Nikki looked up at the clock and back to Christine.

"Right then... We'll carry on..." Christine smirked.

"Actually there is somewhere else I'd rather be..." Nikki stood up.

"Erm... Sit back down. I told you how important this meeting is." Christine's eyes bored into Nikki. Pleading with her not to show her up in front of the men she was so eagerly trying to impress to invest more into he school.

"Yeah well I have to be somewhere more important." Nikki spoke quickly. She just wanted to get out of there and hated herself her being there in the first place. Suddenly not caring if Lorraine would prefer to be alone. She was going to be there no matter what. She'd made a promise to Lorraine's Mum and she was going to keep it.

"More important than keeping your job?" Christines Eyebrows were on overdrive again.

"More important than anything." With that Nikki was gone. Realising she had just lost her job and not caring. She needed to see Lorraine. Right now.


	25. Chapter 25

**Thank you again for the reviews! So glad you are letting me know you're still reading this. It's coming to an end soon... x**

Lorraine sat up on the really uncomfortable hospital bed. She was dressed in a hospital gown that felt like it was made of cardboard and they had asked her to put on some surgical socks. She wasn't sure how long it would be until they took her down to have the anesthetic but she hoped it would be soon. The whole gown and socks combo was making her feel much more sick than she already did. She had to smile as she looked down at herself, wondering what everyone would make of the usually designer clad blonde if they could see her now. Something else she would change if she went ahead with a hospital investment... the patterns and material on the surgery clothes for patients. Something a little less depressing. She looked around the room, there were a few empty beds next to her and she was quite grateful there were no other patients in there with her. They'd all have someone with them and she didn't want to be reminded that she was on her own. Her thoughts drifted to Nikki. She wished she'd have said a proper goodbye to her... just incase. But she really couldn't bring herself to. The operation was all very safe but like with any procedure there was always a small risk involved. What if she was that tiny percentage that didn't pull through? That would be just her luck. Like when she made her first million and then her Dad died... or she successfully set up her second business and then her Mum started deteriorating so bad that they had to put her in residential care... or like now. When she'd finaly realised Nikki was the one for who and God knows how but had won her back... then been told she had Cancer. She couldn't help but feeling like she was cursed. Everytime something good happened to her, it was outweighed by something bad. She was dragged out of her miserable thoughts by a wolf whistle.

"Sexy socks." Nikki stood in the doorway smiling down at Lorraine. Lorraines face lit up when she saw her.

Nikki walked over to the bed and sat down beside Lorraine placing her hand gently on her thigh, over the hard fabric of the hospital gown.

"What are you doing here?!" Lorraine beamed. Blinking a few times to check she wasn't dreaming.

"Turns out... I don't care how brave you are. I'm not brave. I need to be here." Nikki looked down at her hand on Lorraine's thigh.

"What about your meeting?" Lorraine eyed Nikki suspiciously.

"Oh... erm.. it was cancelled." Nikki swallowed hard avoiding eye contact with Lorraine.

"You've never been a very good liar." Lorraine raised her eyebrows.

"Ok... Maybe I told Christine to shove it... and maybe I lost my job." Nikki winced at the reminder.

"Oh Nikki. I told you, I didn't want you to lose your job over me." Lorraine grabbed hold of Nikki's hand. "But I am glad you're here. Turns out I'm not all that brave either..." Lorraine lifted Nikki's hand to her mouth and pressed her lips against it. "I need you to be here too."

"You are brave, missy. Really brave." Nikki leaned forward and kissed Lorraine. Stroking her hair, they both just looked into each others eyes as they held hands. No words were needed, they just needed to get lost in each other. Feel each others warmth. Nikki could sense the sadness in Lorraine and looked down a the socks.

"You think we can take those home afterwards or..." She grinned cheekily.

"These? You ARE kidding, right?" Lorraine kicked her legs up, scrunching her nose up and giggling at the sight of them again.

"Little bit yeah." Nikki winked.

"I love you so much you know?" Lorraine squeezed Nikki's hands tighter.

"I know. Me too. I can't wait for this to be over and for us to go back to ours." Nikki nodded confidently. Knowing Lorraine was thinking the worst and not wanting to contribute towards the demon nagging at her.

"Ours. I love it when you say that." Lorraine relaxed her shoulders and sat back on the bed.

"Me too. Just keep that thought in your head yeah? Me waiting on you hand and foot... Like usual." Nikki rolled her eyes with a cheeky smile.

"So bloody cheeky." Lorraine shook her head with a playful pout. But inside she felt happy. For the first time that day, she felt happy, hopeful. This was the effect Nikki had on her.

"Ok Ms Donnegan. We're ready to take you down to the anesthetist now." The nice smiley nurse was back, with a porter standing behind her. Lorraine nodded and lay down on the bed.

"I'll be here." Nikki kissed her hand. Lorraine opened the hand and stroked Nikki's face gently. Looking her directly in the eyes she nodded. There was that look she loved so much. The one they used to use before they'd said I love you. The look where no words were needed. Nikki smiled and the porter made his way behind Lorraine's bed and started pushing it, following the smiley nurse out. Lorraine kept hold of Nikki's hand until she was too far away. Right until just their fingertips were touching. Once Lorraine was out of the room, Nikki placed her head in her hands, biting on her bottom lip so hard she thought she might draw blood. All of sudden this all seemed too real.

The anesthetist took hold of Lorraine's hand and she hated it. She wanted Nikki's touch to still be there, no one else's.

"Ok... I'm going to put the needle in and then ask you to count down from 10 Ok?" Lorraine wondered where the smiley nurse had gone. This lady spoke to her like she was stupid. Slow and over exaggerating every word. She didn't like her very much at all. Another thing to add to her list... Get smiley, reassuring staff with kind eyes.

"Ok." Lorraine nodded politely. Now wasn't the time to argue. Especially not with someone who had a needle as big as she did in her hand.

Lorraine winced as the needle pierced through her skin... She didn't count to ten as suggested by the sourface. Instead she closed her eyes and saw her and Nikki. Everything from the first time they met, their first intimate moment in the car park when their eyes met for far too long, the awkward encounter when Nikki had asked her out and she was so lost for words that she just stood like an idiot, their first kiss, the first time they touched, the first time she realised she loved her... then darkness.


	26. Chapter 26

**THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEWS. GLAD I COULD MAKE YOU LAUGH A LITTLE BIT TOO. IT'S SUCH A SENSITIVE SUBJECT, I THINK A BIT OF HUMOUR IS NEEDED.**

**SORRY THIS CHAPTER IS A BIT SHIT...**

Nikki paced up and down the hospital corridor. Destroying the sixth polystyrene cup she'd drained of coffee. Ripping the white foam up bit by bit was therapeutic, all the caffeine however, was not. Her nerves were shot. She wondered what was taking so long, yet on the other hand was glad they seemed to be taking their time. Hopefully handling the most precious thing in her life with the delicateness she deserved. She just wanted to know she was ok.

Lorraine blinked a few times. Squinting eyes being blinded by he bright lights above her. Oh great, the anesthetic hadn't worked. She was going to have to have yet another needle jabbed into her by sourface. She'd literally only just closed her eyes. Then Lorraine winced as she felt a pain in her throat, as her face moved, she felt hard plastic against it. An oxygen mask... Then she saw the smiley nurse looking down at her. Eyes still so full of care, she must deal with hundreds of patients everyday, Lorraine was just another job to her but she made her feel safe. Looked after. Just like Nikki did. Nikki. Lorraine wanted to see her. She pulled the oxygen mask off her face. That's when she realised that she hadn't just closed her eyes... the anestetic had in fact worked and she'd had the operation. As she moved she felt a sharp pain across her breast.

"Oh, don't try to move, sweetheart." The nice nurse stroked her arm gently.

"I... need to just... is Nikki still here?" Lorraine croaked. Her slurred speech surprising herself.

"The lady with you earlier? I expect so, yes." The nurse smiled widely. "She's been asking for regular updates."

"I pulled through." Lorraine looked shocked. "Did it all go ok?" Lorraine was scared of the answer to this question but wanted to hear it from this kind older lady rather than some doctor who just went through the motions.

"Well I'm definitely not an angel. Not with a face like this." The nurse giggled.

"I love your face." Lorraine slurred with a smile. Amusing the nurse. "When I open a hospital, I'm going to poach you from this place." Lorraine whispered. Well she thought she was whispering but she was infact shouting croakily. The nurse laughed.

"The doctor will be around to see you shortly. Once we've got you comfy on a ward." The nurse patted Lorraines hand and gently placed the oxygen mask back onto Lorraines pale face. Lorraine took a deep breath in and was grateful for the pain relief. Her chest was really sore. She closed her eyes and let the remainding drugs in her system consume her once again. Letting her sleep.

"Excuse me..." Nikki approached the young receptionist. She'd got sick of waiting around in a corridor and needed to know where her beautiful girlfriend was.

"Just one sec..." The receptionist held her hand up to Nikki whilst she finished off the tweet she was writing. Nikki assumed it was to tell Twitter just how bored she was... She looked like she was about to fall asleep. Her chavvy chewing of gum the only sign of life coming from her.

Nikki stood with her tongue in her cheek patiently. Even though she wanted to grab the phone and stamp on it. Once the receptionist finished whatever she was doing on her phone she looked up at Nikki.

"Done?" Nikki raised her eyebrows sarcastically. "I was just wondering if you could tell me where-"

The receptionists mobile started vibrating wildly on her desk and Nikki had quickly lost her attention as she once again held her hand up to silence her while she answered it.

"Hiya... Oh my god yeah. SO hungover though. Can't deal with today. I know... yeah it was mad wasn't it?" The receptionist was suddenly wide awake as she shouted over enthusiastically into her phone.

Nikki had to literally clench her fists. Digging her nails into the palms of her hands. Hands she wanted to wrap around this idiot receptionists neck.

"Can I just see that for a moment?" Nikki grabbed the phone out of her hand before she had a chance to answer. She then dropped it into the pint glass full of water on the desk. The one she was obviously using to try and banish her hangover.

"What the?!" The receptionist jumped up as if Nikki had physically hurt her.

"Now as I was saying... Lorraine Donnegan, where is she?" Nikki stared at the receptionist scarily. Intimidating her. Not something Nikki would normally condone but right now she'd do anything to just see Lorraine.

The receptionist manically tapped on her keyboard. Eyes full of grief for her iPhone. "She'll be in ward 31."

"Wasn't that hard was it?" Nikki scowled before running off to find ward.

"You owe me a new phone. Crazy bitch!" The receptionist shouted after her. Nikki stuck her middle finger up without even turning around. She might get a bit of work done now that her phone had been murdered.

Nikki ran through the hospital, not really knowing where she was going. Her feet pounding as fast as her heart. She'd never felt so nervous ever. Her tongue was sticking to the roof of her cotton wool filled mouth and she felt like if she stopped running, she would vomit. Angst burning up to her throat from the pit of her stomach. She managed to find ward 31, god knows how with the lack of signs in this massive hospital, but she did. She panted hard as she entered the ward. Scanning all the patients faces. There was an elderly lady siting upright knitting what looked like a scarf... for a giant. The mismatched orange and blue knotted together all the way from the needles to the end of the bed and further underneath. She didn't even flinch as Nikki burst in. Then there was a young girl, asleep hugging a teddy bear. She really didn't look well at all and Nikki felt a pang of sadness. There was one more patient in there but the curtain was pulled around. Nikki walked slowly over, catching her breath and calming down. She gripped the edge of the grey and green creased curtain, swallowed hard and pulled it open...

There she was. The love of her life. Laying asleep on the metal hospital bed with a pain relief mask above her head and a drip hooked up to her left arm. Nikki sighed. Half relief, half sadness at seeing Lorraine looking so weak. She slowly walked over to the bed and sat on the empty chair beside it. She took her hand and stroked it gently with her thumb. She could see a bandage poking out the top of Lorraines hospital gown above her left breast. She loved that bandage because she knew it was covering a scar. A scar she couldn't wait to see. Couldn't wait to kiss. Because that scar hopefully saved Lorraines life and in turn her own. That scar will be beautiful.

"You must be Nikki?"

Nikki wiped the tears away from her face that had escaped without her realising and jumped a little. Turning around she saw the smiley nurse standing behind her. Nikki nodded. Confused slightly. How did she know her name?

"Ms Donnegan was asking for you." The nurse winked.

"Ah right. Hope she wasn't giving you any trouble." Nikki tried to laugh but it wouldn't come out. Like her own laugh was controlled by Lorraine. Without her, it wouldn't make an appearance. No way.

"None at all. She is the only patient to ever offer me a job as soon as they come around from an op though." The nurse chuckled.

"Yeah, that sounds about right. She's always working this one." Nikki stroked Lorraines hand again. Swallowed hard and turned back to the nurse. "So... It all went well then, right?"

"The lump was successfully removed, yes." The nurse nodded but her smile faded slightly. This didn't go unnoticed by Nikki.

"So that's it? The cancers gone.." Nikki was looking at the nurse questioningly without actually asking the question because she could tell by the nurses face something wasn't right.

"Well it's not that simple. But, the doctor will be around shortly. You should discuss it with him, love." The nurse now avoided eye contact with Nikki. Looking at Lorraines chart hanging on the end of the bed, the drip, the pain relief mask... just anything rather than Nikki.

"Please? I've been waiting all day. I really need to know now." Nikki pleaded looking up at the nurse with red tear stained eyes.

"OK... step out for a minute" The nurse whispered and stepped outside the ward. Nikki kissed Lorraines forehead and then followed her with a heavy heart. She didn't like this. She didn't like it at all.


	27. Chapter 27

**THANK YOU FOR STILL READING. LOVE YOU. x**

Nikki sat watching Lorraine sleep. Cherishing everytime her chest lifted up and down, every breath that she inhaled & exhaled and the warmth she could feel from her hand in hers. She looked so beautiful, how could she have been through such a major operation and still look so gorgeous? She knew Lorraine would disagree. She had no make up on, her face was pale and her lips a natural baby pink. Her eyelashes were so naturally long but looked sad without the usual layers of mascara to perk them upwards. But Nikki loved her without make-up. She'd given up on trying to convince Lorraine of this though, and kind of liked that she was the only person allowed to see Lorraine without her mask on. At home, with her hair all scraped up, bare face and wearing sweats, was Nikki's favourite Lorraine.

Nikki felt Lorraines grip on her hand tighten and her eyes fluttered open. They instantly lit up when they landed on Nikki's face.

"Hello sleeping beauty" Nikki smiled widely. Lorraines eyes were sparkling blue. Nikki ws sure they were brighter than normal, or maybe it was just because she was appreciating seeing them even more than usual.

"Nikki... You stayed." Lorraine looked genuinely touched.

"Of course I did. Like I'd go anywhere. How you feeling, darling?" Nikki furrowed her brows slightly.

"I'm fine." Lorraine tried to sit up and winced at the shooting pain in her breast.

"You might want to tell your face you're fine." Nikki giggled. "Lie down. This is my time to be bossy. I know what you're like, you'll be trying to get out of here as fast as possible."

"With someone as gorgeous as you waiting at home for me, can you blame me?" Lorraines tongue touched her top teeth cheekily. Nikki couldn't resist leaning forward and kissing her.

"I'm just so glad this is all over, Nik. We can get on with our lives. Put this behind us." Lorraine looked to the ceiling with a contended sigh. Maybe the curse was lifted.

"Yeah." Nikki looked to the ground. Lorraine turned to look at her sensing the sadness in her tone.

"What? What is it?" Lorraine studied all over Nikki's face. She placed her finger under Nikki's chin and forced her to look into her eyes.

"Nothing." Nikki smiled. Her eyes telling a completely different story.

"We promised each other. No more unspoken words. Tell me." Lorraine tucked a strand of Nikki's hair behind her ear.

"It's just... Well I spoke to the nurse and... Well everything went brilliantly. The tumour was removed but... They are worried it might have already got into your lymph nodes." Nikki whispered. As if she was forcing these words out. Words she didn't want to say. Words she definitely didn't want Lorraine to hear.

"Right ok. So.. what? Another operation?" Lorraine spoke calmly. Taking it all in. Grateful she was hearing this from Nikki and not some stranger.

"No. They want to run a course of chemotherapy, Lo." Nikki could see the sparkle instantly disappear from Lorraines eyes. Lorraine blinked and tears ran down her cheeks. She didn't want to go through chemo. That was the one thing that had petrified her the most about all of this. Nikki knew that.

"Don't be sad." The little girl from the bed opposite had appeared at the gap in the curtain. She stood with beautiful long blonde hair, big blue eyes and still hugged her teddy bear tightly. "I have chemo too. Me and Todd." She held Todd the bear up.

Lorraine quickly wiped her tears away and smiled at the little girl.

"I always wanted longer hair and now I have it. It looks like yours doesn't it? Like Barbies too." The little girl smiled and stuck her tongue between the gap in her gums where she'd lost her two front teeth. Making both Lorraine and Nikki's hearts melt.

"Here, you can have it so that you don't miss your own. I don't mind." The little girl pulled off her long blonde wig and placed it on the end of Lorraine's bed. Revealing a shiny smooth head. She still had her gorgeous smile on her face and she was beautiful. Lorraine felt a pang of guilt. Here was this little girl, so brave, so kind. Then she was a grown woman crying over the fact she had to go through the same treatment.

"That's ok sweetheart. You keep it." Lorraine sat up. It hurt like hell but she wanted to get a better look at this little girl. Show her the respect she deserved. "What's your name?"

"Cassie. What's yours?" Cassie now sat on the edge of Lorraines bed casually. As if she'd known her forever.

"That's a gorgeous name. I'm Lorraine. This is Nikki." Nikki looked at Nikki who was also in awe of Cassie and how brave she was.

"I'm going to call you Lolly. And you Niknak." Cassie put her wig back on. "I'm going to leave you in peace now. You need lots of sleep you know? Always makes me and Todd feel better." With that, Cassie skipped back over to her bed, Todd in tow, hanging by one arm from her needle scarred hand.

"Wow. How pathetic do I feel?" Lorraine played with her hands too ashamed to look at Nikki.

"Hey. Don't be daft." Nikki put her hand on top of Lorraine's. Careful not to disturb where the drip was attached. "We'll get through this. I promise."

"I know." Lorraine lifted Nikki's hand and kissed it. She didn't know though and deep down she knew that Nikki didn't either. She was just doing what she did best. What only she could do. Make Lorraine feel safe.

"Nikki? Will you please do something for me?" Lorraine rubbed her eyes. Exhausted.

"Yes babe. Anything."

"Help me get in to my own pajamas? This gown is vile." Lorraine screwed her nose up and pulled at the hard itchy fabric.

Nikki pulled the curtain closed completely so that no one could see. She then gently pulled Lorraine upright on the bed. Carefully untying the strings holding it closed at the back then lifting it up ff over Lorraines head. Lorraine looked down at the bandage across one of her breasts and tears began to form in her eyes as she worried what was underneath.

"Don't you dare." Nikki kissed Lorraine once on the lips. Reading her mind. Then slipped Lorraines own pajama top on over lorraines head. Lorraine held Nikkis face in her hands just looking into her eyes for a few moments.

"Thank you." Lorraine whispered.

"It's nothing. I've done this many times before when you've had too much wine, remember?" Nikki chuckled. It was true, many a night Lorraine would fall asleep after a boozy date they'd had and Nikki would have to change her. Knowing the clothes Lorraine was wearing were probably worth more than Nikki had ever even earnt and Lorraine would be mortified to sleep in them.

"I mean for everything. For loving me. Still." Lorraine shrugged. As if she didn't understand how this was still possible. No one had ever loved her for this long. Not that she'd ever wanted someone else to.

"Come here." Nikki wrapped her arms around Lorraine gently. She didn't want to hurt her so carefully pulled her closer. Lorraine rested her head on Nikki's shoulder and rested her hands on the tops of her thighs. She felt so safe, so warm and so loved. At the most scary time of her life. Surely her and Nikki were indestructable. A love like this can't be broken. It wouldn't be fair. But then again when was life ever fair? Lorraine closed her eyes and tried to think of nothing else but her and Nikki and her arms that enveloped them together. Their hearts beating happily in rhythm. The perfect fit.


	28. Chapter 28

**Thanks for the reviews. Sorry for making you cry :( Also sorry that this chapter is far too long.**

Nikki woke up and jumped out of bed. Today was the day. Lorraine was coming home and she was so excited. She'd spent every day with her for the past week at the hospital but she couldn't wait to get her home and look after her properly. She literally pulled on the first thing she could find and rushed out to her car. Well Lorraine's car. She knew she wouldn't mind, and it was faster than her own.

"Oi you still owe me a new phone!" The receptionist shouted as Nikki ran past her.

"Oh piss off." Nikki laughed and carried on running. Nothing was going to ruin today. She was getting the love of her life back all to herself and the butterflies were fluttering all the way through her body.

Once Nikki reached ward 31 she peered through the door. Lorraines bed was empty. Nikki's heart jumped up into er mouth... Where was she?! She stood frozen to the spot. Petrified. All kinds running through her mind. Had something happened? She closed her eyes as she plucked up the courage to go and ask someone, then a massive weight was lifted off her shoulders when she heard Lorraines laugh coming from the other side of the room. She was sitting on Cassie's bed with her. Cassie was playing with Lorraine's hair. Tying all kinds of ribbons and bows in it, while Lorraine was brushing and plaiting Cassies wig on her knee. Nikki stood back and watched. She'd never seen Lorraine like this before, she looked so happy.

"Lolly, you wont forget about me will you? Now that you're being allowed home." Cassie asked pouting as she tied another bow up in Lorraine's curls. Nikki smiled as she saw Lorraine's eyes widen slightly as Cassie pulled a little hard but Lorraine didn't have the heart to tell her.

"Forget about the most beautiful little girl I've ever met? How could I?" The smile fell slightly from Lorraine's face.

"Good so we'll be best friends forever then? Me, you and Todd." Cassie put her arm next to Lorraines and held Todd's there too. They all had matching friendship bands on that Cassie had obviously made. Pink and purple cotton twisted together.

"Forever and ever. I've given your Mummy my number and I'm going to come and visit you." Lorraine placed the now plaited blonde locks onto Cassies head and kissed her forehead.

"And Niknak. You need to bring her too." Cassie nodded.

"Of course. Me and Niknak come as a package." Lorraine smiled when she said Niknak. She loved the little nicknames Cassie had invented for them.

Cassie held up a mirror to show Lorraine her handy work. Lorraine had to stifle a giggle. She had little pony tails all over her head with bows and ribbons hanging from them. She looked ridiculous.

"Wow, I love it. Thanks Cass!" Lorraine forced a smile. Wondering how she was going to be able to undo all of this before Nikki got there.

""Me too. That's the best I've ever seen your hair." Nikki giggled.

"Niknak!" Cassie ran over and wrapped her arms around Nikki.

"Hello gorgeous." Nikki knelt down in front of Cassie to hug her properly. "Seriously, you're really good at hair. Are you wanting to be a hair dresser when you grow up?"

"No of course not." Cassie rolled her eyes dramatically. "I'm going to be a business woman when I'm big. I want to be just like Lorraine." Cassie nodded proudly. Looking at Lorraine, eyes full of admiration. Bringing a tear to Lorraine's eye.

"Ah, of course. Silly me." Nikki walked over an kissed Lorraine on the cheek. "Hello, you."

"Errrrm, Nik? Is there a reason you have one white and one black Converse on?" Lorraine pointed out Nikki's mismatched shoes with a giggle. Nikki quickly looked down at her shoes.

"Oh no. I was in such a hurry to come and get you. I didn't even realise." Nikki blushed. Lorraine couldn't help but smile at the cuteness.

"They look cool." Cassie gave Nikki a thumbs up. Then quickly pouted. "You're here to take Lolly home aren't you?" Tears threatening to fall as she realised Lorraine was going.

Nikki nodded sadly. She wished she could take both of them with her. They'd grown so close and it was beautiful to watch.

"Do you want me to read you one last story before I go?" Lorraine asked Cassie, desperate to cheer her up then quickly turned to Nikki "If that's ok with you?"

"Of course" Nikki nodded. She was so surprised by this unexpected maternal instinct in Lorraine.

Cassie quickly climbed into bed hugging Todd the bear and Lorraine got one of the many books from Cassies drawer. Perched on the edge of the bed she read the story to a sleepy Cassie who soon fell asleep.

"Goodbye, angel. See you soon" Lorraine whispered and kissed her forehead. "Let's go." She sighed sadly to Nikki.

"Like that, yeah?" Nikki raised her eyebrows at pointed out her hair was still all tied up in bows.

"Yeah Fuck it. Not going to ruin Cassies handy work. Let's go." Lorraine smiled. Nikki carried her bag and they headed out of the hospital.

"I'm barring you from this hospital! You're mental, you!" The receptionist scowled at Nikki as they passed her. Nikki just rolled her eyes and carried on walking.

"Been making friends I see... She's got a point. You with your odd shoes and me with my hair like this... We're a right pair!" Lorraine giggled taking hold of Nikki's hand and leaving the hospital. The fresh air hit her pale cheeks and she breathed in hard. So glad to be going home. She still had the chemo to worry about but right now, she just wanted to get back to normal. Her and Nikki in their own little world. A world she never wanted to leave.

"My car, eh?" Lorraine raised her eyebrows and tapped her foot playfully.

"That ok?" Nikki looked slightly embarrassed.

"What's mine is yours, baby." Lorraine squeezed Nikki's hand. "Take me home."

***ONE WEEK LATER***

Lorraine opened her eyes and sighed at the empty space next to her in the bed. She'd been home for 3 days now and was booked in to start her chemotherapy in a few days. She winced as she tried to sit up in the bed, like she had done every morning since she'd got home. Each time she'd failed, not this morning though, this morning she was determined to get up by herself. And she did. She smiled to herself as she sat up successfully and put her feet on the ground. She pushed herself up slowly, she didn't have much energy but that didn't stop her. She instinctively put her arm across her healing breast as she made her way to the lounge.

There she was, Nikki. Exhausted and passed out on the sofa. She'd been brilliant the past few days literally waiting on Lorraine hand and foot. Lorraine was grateful but at the same time, she hated it. She'd always been so independent and it killed her to see Nikki so tired because of her.

She decided to do something nice for Nikki. She felt like she was slipping away from her. She had taken on the role of Lorraine's nurse rather than her girlfriend and it made Lorraine's heart ache. She'd make her breakfast. Show her she wasn't a complete invalid. She'd just watch her sleeping for a few more minutes first...

Lorraine made her way to the kitchen and decided not to try and be too adventurous. She wasn't a good cook at the best of times let alone when she had limited usage of one arm. Tea & toast. She'd keep it simple. Or so she thought, it took her ages. When she was finally done, she picked one of the flowers from the massive bunch that Nikki had bought her and put it in a glass next to the tea and toast on the tray. She smiled proudly at her efforts and picked up the tray. It still hurt but she was determined to do this for Nikki. She entered the lounge slowly. Nikki was still flat out on the sofa.

"Nik..." Lorraine called down. Smiling. Excited to give Nikki her surprise.

Nikki stirred slightly, opening her eyes, she smiled at Lorraine looking down at her. That smile quickly faded though and she jumped up.

"Lorraine for fucks sake what are you doing?!" Nikki quickly took the tray off Lorraine and threw it onto the table angrily. Making the glass with the flower smash on the floor.

"I was... I was just trying to do something nice for you... to say thank you.." Lorraine bit down on her lip hard. Feeling like a naughty schoolgirl.

"Sorry... It's just you shouldn't even be getting out of bed on your own yet." Nikki's tone softened when she saw the hurt on Lorraines face. "Sorry baby. I just want you to get better." She rubbed down Lorraine's arms lovingly.

"And I just want us to get back to normal... You know, you don't have to sleep down here?" Lorraine frowned. Upset, feeling a little bit rejected.

"I told you, I'm scared of forgetting about your sore chest and hurting you in my sleep." Nikki held Lorraine's hand. Playing with her fingers.

"I'm not made of china, Nik... and I... I really miss you." Lorraine looked down at their fingers intertwined.

"What are you talking about I'm right here." Nikki frowned.

"Yeah. Ok." Lorraine dropped Nikki's hand. "I'm going back to bed."

"Here I'll help you." Nikki grabbed Lorraine's arm but Lorraine shrugged it off. Leaving Nikki open mouthed, unsure of what to say.

"No. I can manage." Lorraine didn't look at Nikki. She felt humiliated, unwanted and insecure. She thought she knew why Nikki wasn't sharing a bed with her. Not because she was scared of hurting her, she wasn't attracted to her anymore. She wasn't the confident, sexy, Lorraine Donnegan she had fallen in love with. She was weak, vulnerable and pathetic. She thought Nikki saw her differently now and she hated it.


	29. Quick Note

Hey!

A quick note to say, I just changed the end f chapter 28... There was some confusion over it. It was Lorraine's thoughts not Nikki's... Sorry I was very tired when posting it so can understand the confusion.

It should be a lot clearer now.

x


	30. Chapter 29

Nikki cleared up the glass she'd accidentally smashed as she took the tray from Lorraine. She felt so guilty, but it had been a huge shock to wake up to not only Lorraine being out of bed on her own but she shouldn't be lifting anything. Not even a tray of tea and toast. She'd been trying so hard to take proper care of her. Fresh fruit and veg everyday, making sure she took her medication at the correct times and just generally making it as relaxed and calming as possible. Anything to help her recover faster. She didn't want all of that undone by Lorraine's stubbornness. At the same time, she realised Lorraine was actually just trying to do something nice, and knew she shouldn't have shouted. She'd handled the whole thing disastrously and she could understand why Lorraine was angry. She was just so tired and had snapped.

Once everything was tidied up, she made her way upstairs reluctantly. As much as she wanted to check if Lorraine was ok, she also didn't want to argue with her. It wasn't good for either of them. Lorraine was ill and Nikki just didn't have the energy.

She slipped into the bedroom quietly. Lorraine was laying on the bed looking out of the balcony window at the sea. Her whole body shaking as she sobbed. Nikki didn't know what to say. Guilt consuming her and leaving her speechless. She just climbed onto the bed next to her and spooned her. Wrapping her arms around her waist carefully. Lorraine held Nikki's hand, silently accepting her apology. Neither had words but they didn't need them. Nikki rested her head gently on Lorraine's shoulder and kissed her cheek lovingly. They lay there for what seemed like hours. Enveloped in Nikki's arms, Lorraine's tears finally stopped falling.

"Lo? It's only me!" Sonya's voice echoed in the kitchen downstairs She'd insisted she had needed a key incase she needed to let herself in while Lorraine was in bed. Although Lorraine and Nikki had informed her that Nikki was there most of the time, having a key had somehow convinced Sonya she was helping and made her feel needed by Lorraine so they just went along with it.

Lorraine quickly wiped any tears still visible on her face away and sat up in bed. Plastering a smile on her face. Sonya had been so worried about Lorraine, and she didn't want to add to this. Nikki squeezed her hand, sensing the pretence and wanting her to know she was there.

Sonya came bouncing into the bedroom with a huge box of chocolates in her arms. When she saw Lorraine she dropped the chocolates onto the bed and immediately ran to the other side of the bed wrapping her arms around her sister.

"Wow, you look so much better!" Sonya gushed, pulling back from the hug to study Lorraines face and then hugging her tightly again. "I'm so pleased. You look SO much better!" She repeated.

"Thanks, Son. I feel it." Lorraine smiled. A genuine smile. She'd been excited to show Nikki how much better she felt that morning and proud she'd managed the simplest of tasks but that hadn't gone to plan. Sonya acknowledging her improvement was gratefully received.

"I got you these..." Sonya smiled guiltily handing over the box of chocolates to her sister. "It's just erm... well it's a long bus journey and I got a bit peckish so..."

"So you ate the top layer?" Lorraine laughed as she opened the half eaten box of chocolates. She wouldn't have expected anything less. It had always been the same since they were kids. Sonya used to eat all of Lorraine's Easter Eggs and Christmas selection boxes too. Lorraine was grateful for this though as even as a small child she was always very image conscious and obsessive over her weight. Envious of Sonya's inner beauty.

"Yeah... sorry" Sonya grimaced amusing Lorraine and Nikki.

"Anyway... Nikki, Christine asked me to tell you she's been calling you and she needs you to call her back as soon as possible."" Sonya repeated the message slowly. Word for word as if she'd struggled to memorise it.

Nikki swallowed hard and faked a surprised look that Lorraine saw straight through.

"She's been calling you?" Lorraine narrowed her eyes. Nikki just shrugged as if she knew nothing about it.

"She wants you to go back, Nikki. She's desperate infact." Sonya loved a good gossip. As always.

"After the way she spoke to me? No fucking chance." Nikki shook her head.

"Thing is..." Sonya turned to Lorraine and bit her lip nervously "Don't hate me... but I told her. About the Cancer."

"Why? I told you I didn't want her to know." Lorraine sighed. Hating the thought of Christine offering fake sympathy. Pretending like she didn't hate her. She didn't want anyone's pity. Especially not hers.

"I know, I know. It's just she was slagging you off... reckoning you were off on a jolly with Nikki and that you were lying about your mystery illness. I just snapped and told her to shut the fuck up... and then well she was gonna sack me if I didn't have a good enough reason for sticking up for you like that. Other than you being my Sister. Obviously. And I just blurted it out. I'm so sorry." Sonya was talking so fast, Lorraine and Nikki wondered how she didn't have to stop for breath.

"Don't worry about it. I suppose it would've come out anyway." Lorraine smiled reassuringly at Sonya. Secretly touched that she'd stuck up for her. And proud. Sonya had always been to much of a soft touch so she knew how must it must have taken her to confront Christine and she really appreciated it.

"So then it clicked... why you walked out that day. She realised you just wanted to be with Lorraine." Sonya was now looking back to Nikki who was looking at the ground.

"Why didn't you say she'd been calling Nik?" Lorraine eyed Nikki suspiciously. No more secrets. That's what they'd said.

"Because I don't care what she wants. I'm not going back. I'm staying here with you. To look after you." Nikki placed her hand on top of Lorraine's. Lorraine held on to it.

"You're so much more than this though darling. You're not a carer. You're an exceptional teacher, you need to go back. Do what you love." Lorraine looked directly into Nikki's eyes. Making sure she was listening to her.

"You saying you don't want me here as much?" Nikki pulled her hand away from Lorraine.

"Course not. I'm saying you need to get back to work. For your own sake." Lorraine wasn't sure how Nikki was taking this the wrong way. Maybe she wasn't saying it right? She was trying to help her.

"I've got my own money you know? Enough to tide me over until I get another job... so I'm not expecting to live off your money if that's what you're worrying about?" Nikki spoke angrily. Thinking Lorraine was trying to get rid of her. After everything she'd been doing, she was wondering if Lorraine wasn't grateful.

""Erm... I think I'm gonna leave you to it..." Sonya smiled shuffling awkwardly out of the room. Taking the other half of the box of chocolates with her.

"How could you even think that of me?" Lorraine stood up off the bed. Feeling less authoritative while she was laying down. More vulnerable. She wanted to sow Nikki she wasn't.

"I don't understand why you are so keen to get me away from you. That's all." Nikki ran a hand through her hair. Sitting on the edge of the bed watching Lorraine intentionally defy her by getting up on her own.

"Because I want us back to normal. When I start my chemo, it's not going to be much fun for you being here, watching me get sick, my hair falling out..." Lorraine turned her back to look out of the window. She didn't want Nikki to see the tears threatening to fall. "I don't want you to see me like that."

"You really think I'm that shallow?!" Nikki shouted now also standing up. Moving herself so she was inbetween Lorraine and the window. Forcing her to look at her.

"I know you're not." Lorraine whispered shaking her head. "It's about me though. How I'm going to feel. You're not getting it."

"Obviously not. I'm going to the pub. Get from under your feet for a bit." Nikki spat grabbing her jacket and marching out of the room.

"You don't have to.. Nikki!" Lorraine shouted after her but she was already gone. Lorraine realised she hadn't done a very good job of explaining to Nikki but she was struggling to find the right words. She just wanted her to be happy, for them to be happy. She wanted to be the Lorraine Nikki had fallen in love with. She didn't want them to drift apart. For Cancer to ruin them. She was grateful for everything Nikki had done but she wanted her girlfriend back. Not a carer.


	31. Chapter 30

**Thank you for the reviews. I just caught up on the last 2 waterloo roads... Two things... first of all BRING BACK LORRAINE... second of all OMFG TOM! Anyways, enjoy this chapter. Love the people who take the time to leave a review. Thanks lovelies. x x**

Lorraine walked around her huge house. Now that she was out of bed she didn't want to just get back in there, wallow in self pity and lie staring at the ceiling. She'd done enough of that. She sighed to herself at how empty and sad her house seemed without Nikki there. Ridiculous, as before Nikki had moved in, it's all Lorraine had ever known. A far too big, cold and lonely home. Had she done it again? Had she pushed Nikki away for the last time? Lorraine shook her head. Nikki had overreacted. Just because she was tired and misunderstanding what Lorraine was trying to say. What she was trying to do. She just wanted Nikki to be happy and staying at home all day everyday with Lorraine wasn't going to do that for her. She didn't want to end up being resented by the love of her life, for Nikki to see regret every time she looked into Lorraine's eyes. If Nikki gave up her job at Wateroo Road, Lorraine was sure that would happen. Not straight away but eventually, once she'd (hopefully) kicked Cancer's arse and everything had calmed down, Nikki would miss it. Lorraine was frustrated at herself for not being able to find the right words to convey this to Nikki before she'd stormed off. She hated being a fuck up at communicating with the people it should be easiest with. The people she loves. Stick her at the front of a crowded room of strangers in a business suit and she could talk for hours, one on one with her loved ones and she fell to pieces. Since being with Nikki she had got alot better at it, after the disaster of losing her last time, but she still wasn't perfect. She knew she never would be. But for Nikki, she'd try her best. Nikki... Lorraine wondered what she was doing right now, probably nursing a JD and coke, holding it to her lips and steaming up the glass with her hot breath before sipping it. What if she has another? Then another... then a pretty, healthy, normal girl catches her eye... see's Nikki's upset... offers her a shoulder to cry on? A girl not polluted with Cancer. A girl that's not going to lose her hair and dignity. A girl who Nikki can sleep with without fear of breaking... Lorraine felt anxious. Hot and sticky fear rising from the pit of her stomach up to her throat... She made her way back into the bedroom...

Nikki sat in the pub. Lorraine knew her so well. There she was sat there with a JD and Coke in a short glass. Bringing it up to her lips and watching the condensation form as she breathed against it. She downed the remains of the drink and ordered another. She didn't want to think about anything. She just wanted to drink. She could feel her eyes being pulled to her phone that she'd placed in front of her on the bar. No messages. No missed calls. Nothing. Didn't Lorraine even care that she'd once again pushed her away? Maybe she was glad. Glad to get her house back to herself for the evening. Maybe she was regretting asking Nikki to move in? Nikki tutted to herself. How can things change so much in a matter of days? They were closer than they'd ever been when Lorraine had first got home. It always seems like they take two steps forward and one step back. She was also hating herself for feeling guilty about leaving Lorraine alone... She could look after herself, she'd made that quite clear... so why was she still having to push thoughts of her needing her to the back of her mind? She was pulled out of her thoughts by a hand on her shoulder. Nikki spun around on the bar stool and her breath was taken away by the vision of beauty in front of her. Long blonde curls cascading over slender bare shoulders, a perfect figure curving in all the right places complimented by a hot pink strapless dress, long toned legs finished with black stilettos... and wide dazzling blue eyes burning into her own.

"Lorraine?" Nikki's jaw dropped. It had been a long time since she'd seen Lorraine looking like this. As much as she preferred her bare and natural because it was the side of her she only got to see, the secret side, she had to admit she took her breath away. "What are you... You shouldn't be here"

"Shhh" Lorraine placed a finger over Nikki's lips to gently silence her. "Just for one night Nikki... I don't want to be ill... I just want to be us again. This could be my last time for a while. Once I start treatment I won't be able to... so... Just for tonight. Let's be the old us"

Nikki nodded. Although not totally convinced this was a good idea, she couldn't deny that she was excited by the thought of them getting back to how they used to be.

"Alright Darlin'? Can I get you a drink?" A guy stopped at Lorraine on the way back from the toilets. Not even trying to hide the fact he was looking her up and down. Nikki gritted her teeth.

"No thanks." Lorraine didn't even look at him. She jumped up onto the bar stool next to Nikki, swinging her feet around to face the bar.

"Come on... Can't leave a beautiful girl like you drinking on your own now can I?" He moved next to Lorraine, propping his elbow on the bar next to her.

"Oh I'm not on my own. My beautiful girlfriend is with me." Lorraine turned to Nikki, grabbing her face with both her hands and pressing her lips against hers. Nikki slipped her arms around Lorraines waist and pulled her closer. Deepening the kiss.

"Fucking waste." The guy tutted before leaving them to it.

Nikki pulled away from the kiss to look at Lorraine's face but Lorraine wasn't done yet, closing the gap between them once again. Stroking Nikki's tongue with her own. Waves of pleasure fluttering through her.

"I've missed this so much." Lorraine finally allowed Nikki to breathe. "I've missed us, Nik."

"Me too." Nikki nodded and took hold of Lorraine's hand. Ordering her a white wine. If this was the last date they could have for a while, she wanted to make the most of every minute.

They sat talking, laughing, drinking and they couldn't take their eyes off each other. Having fun like they used to. Just enjoying being together. Realising what they'd first fallen in love with. Being the old them. No mention of the C word, no worries about the upcoming treatment, just them two. Loving each other.

Lorraine's eyes lit up as she heard a song start playing. The Honeyz - Finally found.

_I can't believe you're here with me_

_Now I see my world's complete_

_and I never want this moment to end..._

"Oh I love this!" Lorraine slurred slightly. She hadn't drank for a while and the wine had gone straight to her head. She jumped down off the bar stool and grabbed Nikki's hand.

_So hold me close and don't let go_

_'Cos this is love boy don't you know?_

_And we're gonna be together for eternity..._

"What?" Nikki's eyes widened with horror. She didn't dance. Ever.

"Come on!" She pulled Nikki close and wrapped her arms around her neck. Swaying in time with the music.

_I prayed so many nights that you would come my way_

_An angel from above to light my darkest days..._

"Erm... Lorraine... People are looking." Nikki blushed as she looked around the pub. This wasn't the kind of place where people danced. This was just an old fashioned local pub.

"I don't care." Lorraine whispered looking directly into Nikki's eyes with a smile. She pulled her even closer and rested her head on her chest.

_A love so strong, it can't be wrong_

_It's to you that I belong..._

Nikki gave in and wrapped her arms around Lorraine's waist. Resting her head on hers as they moved together in time to the music.

_I finally found what I've been looking for_

_Now you know I'm gonna love you more_

_Hold me tight 'cos it's always been you..._

Lorraine smiled and let out a contented sigh against Nikki's chest and Nikki squeezed her tighter.

_To think that you were always there_

_To be my friend and wipe away my tears_

_Now it's clear that it's always been you..._

All of a sudden it didn't matter that they were in a crowded pub, that people were looking, whispering and thinking they were mad. To them it was just them two Alone. Dancing in the sky, the clouds were their dancefloor and the stars their twinkling lights. Tickling over them both as they moved together. Filling them both with the love they felt for the other. The perfect dance, the perfect night and most importantly of all, the perfect couple.


	32. Chapter 31

**THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS. THIS IS A FILLER AND A BIT SHIT. SORRY. x**

After the dance, Lorraine and Nikki had hurried home. Away from the watchful eye of the whole pub. They fell through their front door locked in a kiss. Not wanting to break contact for even one second. Lorraine lifted Nikki's tshirt up over her head and pushed her against the front door planting kisses down her jawline, collarbone and down passed her breasts to her stomach. Nikki let out small moans of gratitude. Lorraine kissed back up to Nikki's face. Nikki pulled away looking slightly concerned.

"I want to." Lorraine reassured her. Lust so strong between them she was sure they might catch fire. Nikki wrapped her hands on Lorraine's back and pulled her closer so she was pressing against her and the door. She moved one hand to unzip Lorraine's dress slowly... Lorraine shuddered as it hit the ground. In her drunken state, she'd forgotten that she'd taken her bandage off for the first time earlier on. It poked out of the top of her dress and she'd wanted to look perfect for Nikki so had ripped it off. Now she stood there in just her lacy pink pants totally exposed. Revealing her scar to Nikki for the first time. She watched Nikki's eyes move over the scar and suddenly felt very self conscious. She quickly raised her arm up to cover it. Nikki shook her head, almost looking hurt at the thought Lorraine would want to hide it from her. She stroked Lorraine's face and gently moved her arm away, so she could look at the scar again. The scar that had saved Lorraine's life and in turn her own. Tears formed in her eyes at the beauty of the scar. She leant forward and planted soft, gentle kisses along it. Lorraine fluttered her eyes closed as Nikki kissed the insecurities away. She grabbed hold of her girlfriends hand and pulled her upstairs to the bedroom.

Lorraine had never wanted Nikki so much. Proving she loved every inch of her, even the imperfections, really turned her on. She pushed her down on the bed and straddled her. Kissing all the way down her body until she reached Nikki's jeans. Nikki ran her hands through Lorraine's golden locks whilst she fumbled hungrily to get rid of the jeans. Once she had discarded them, she pulled Nikki's pants to the side and planted kisses on Nikki. Reaching up to gently caress her breasts as she tasted her. She'd missed her taste so much. It didn't take long for Nikki to start writhing on the bed breathlessly grasping onto the sheets as she gave in to Lorraine.

"I... Fucking... Love... You...!" Nikki arched her back, shuddering as the waves of pleasure took over her whole body. Lorraine smiled against Nikki before crawling up to collapse next to her on he bed.

"Not as much as I love you, baby." She stroked Nikki's damp hair off her hot sticky forehead before kissing it. "More than anything."

"I had a really good time tonight." Nikki propped herself up on her elbow to get a better look at Lorraine. "Thank you." She leant forward and kissed her.

"You are going to sleep in here tonight, aren't you?" Lorraine's eyes were pleading with Nikki's. Not wanting the night to end. Nikki nodded with a smile and lay next to Lorraine. Their faces touching as they both drifted into a nice sleep. Holding each others hands in between Nikki's knees. Both feeling safe. Both knowing they are loved. Both happy.

*** A few hours later***

Nikki stirred slightly as she felt a cold space next to her in the bed. She silently sat up and squinted at the clock on the bedside table. It was 3.42am. She then noticed Lorraine sitting at her dresser. Looking in the mirror and just brushing her hair over and over again. Tears in her eyes. Nikki swallowed hard, feeling a lump in her own throat. She wished there was something she could do to make Lorraine feel better. But there wasn't. Lorraine finally put the brush down on the dresser and looked down. Fiddling with something. Nikki had to squint harder before she realised it was the friendship band that Cassie had given to her.

"You're missing her aren't you?" Nikki whispered softly but it still made Lorraine jump. Lorraine wondered how long Nikki had been awake. Hoping she hadn't seen her lusting after her own hair in the mirror. The hair she wouldn't have for much longer. She quickly stood up and made her way back to Nikki in bed. Taking hold of her hand.

"Yeah. I really do." Lorraine sighed. And it was true. That little girl had got to her heart and she thought about her everyday.

"Come here you." Nikki pulled Lorraine closer. Cuddling her protectively. "You need to sleep."

Lorraine breathed into Nikki's chest as she felt her hands stroking her hair. Her eyes fluttered shut and she drifted back off to sleep. Leaving Nikki awake, silently making plans to try and help Lorraine to feel better. To feel happy.

It seemed like Lorraine had only just closed her eyes when she was opening them again to discover she'd slept right through until 11am. Her impromptu night out mus have taken it out of her more than she thought. She turned to face Nikki but she wasn't there... instead there was a note on the pillow:

_Good morning my beautiful_

_Had to nip out. Won't be long._

_Love you_

_N_

_x_

Lorraine smiled. No matter how long they'd been together for, she still got butterflies every time Nikki put a kiss on something. Like the first time she'd got a text off Nikki, when they were just friends, Nikki had put a kiss on the end of it and Lorraine had taken over an hour to reply, hoping that Nikki hadn't put the kiss by accident and wondering if she should put one back. Which she didn't in the end. Back then she was the work over pleasure Lorraine. Not like today. Lorraine laughed at the memory. It's funny how things work out.

She heard the door shut downstairs and her face lit up realising Nikki must be back.

"Hey baby, It's me!" Nikki shouted up. "Come downstairs... I've got a surprise for you."

Lorraine couldn't help but smile at the excitement in Nikki's voice. That smile soon disappeared as she passed the mirror though. Catching sight of her blonde curls falling down her back. She swallowed hard. Tomorrow she was starting treatment. Tomorrow those curls would become fewer and fewer. She shook her head refusing to worry about it. What was the point? It wouldn't change anything.

"Hurry up, Lo!" Nikki practically sang she was so excited.

Lorraine wrapped a fluffy dressing gown around herself and made her way downstairs...


	33. Chapter 32

**Thanking the people who take time to leave reviews. Think there's only a couple of you still reading this... Hope you enjoy this chapter.**

"Close your eyes before you come in!" Nikki shouted from the kitchen (rather bossily, Lorraine thought) as she heard Lorraine's bare feet creak on the bottom of the stairs.

Lorraine walked into the kitchen with her eyes closed and a bemused smile on her face. No idea what to expect.

"Ok... Open!" Nikki poked Lorraine gently in the side. Lorraine opened her eyes and looked around the kitchen. She frowned at Nikki when she couldn't see anything. Nikki stifled a giggle.

"Erm... Babe... Is this surprise invisible?" Lorraine carried on looking around the kitchen. Wondering if she'd driven Nikki slightly mad.

"BOO!" Cassie jumped out from behind the prestigious breakfast bar in the middle of the kitchen. Her tongue poking through the gap in her mouth where her front teeth still hadn't come in. Lorraine immediately ran over and swept her up in her arms. Hugging her tightly.

"Nice surprise, Lolly?" Cassie hugged her so tightly that it hurt but Lorraine didn't care.

"The best surprise!" Lorraine looked over to Nikki with eyes full of appreciation and love.

"Well Niknak said you were sad so Mummy said I could stay tonight. Even though I'd planned a tea party with my barbies. I've cancelled it for you. So we can have a sleepover! Would you love that Lolly?" Cassie had her hands held together at the back of Lorraine's neck. Looking directly into her eyes, her own full of excitement and admiration.

"I would. That's very kind of you Cass, to cancel your plans with your barbies. I feel very honoured." Lorraine kissed her on the cheek.

"That's what bestest friends are for, right? Anyways, I've brought the barbies with me so they can meet you and your Niknak." Cassie disappeared into the hall and came back wheeling a bright pink Disney Princess suitcase.

"She doesn't travel light this one... Reminds me of someone I know." Nikki raised her eyebrows at Lorraine with a cheeky smile.

"A girls gotta have her essentials." Cassie rolled her eyes over dramatically. Lorraine giggled and helped Cassie to open her suitcase.

"She's a mini Lorraine." Nikki laughed. Cassie nodded approvingly and started pulling out sparkly outfits, Disney pyjamas and Lorraine & Nikki's hearts melted as she started to pull out her Barbies. All with no hair. Cassie noticed them looking.

"They got sick too. So I had to cut all their hair off. They are still just as pretty though." Cassie kissed each one.

"I agree. They are beautiful." Nikki looked over at Lorraine who had tears in her eyes.

"Wow, you sure do love Disney don't you?!" Lorraine quickly changed the subject. Looking through Cassie's things with her.

"It's the bestest. My dream is to visit the castle. The real one in Paris. Mummy said one day when we have enough money she'll take me... And I'll be a real Disney princess then!" Cassie beamed. "We'll meet them all and watch the parade at night time. One of my friends from school, Maisy, went and she let me look at all the photo's. Well, she used to be my friend. Before I got sick. Maybe once I've been to Disneyland too, she'll be my friend again." She lost her smile.

Lorraine's heart ached for the little girl in front of her. She'd got to know her Mum pretty well while she was in the hospital and she knew she'd never be able to afford to take Cassie to Disneyland. She was a single parent and found holding down a job hard as she always had to be in and out of hospital with her daughter. She was a good Mum, you only had to look at how happy Cassie was to see that. Lorraine was in awe of her. Such a strong woman and she always put Cassie before anything else.

"So... What do you want to do today? Anything you like." Lorraine kneeled in front of Cassie.

"Anything at all?" Cassie's eyes widened with all different possibilities running through her head. Lorraine nodded with a smile.

"Like the zoo? Or the cinema? Or bowling? Or..." Cassie tapped her foot as she tried to think of other things.

"Yep. Any of them." Lorraine giggled. "Why don't you and Niknak decide while I go get ready?"

"Leave it with us." Cassie ran and sat on Nikki's knee. "We'll think of something fun." Cassie gave Lorraine a confident thumbs up. Lorraine walked to the door but turned one last time to look at Nikki and Cassie sitting together planning the day and giggling. Her heart fluttered so much that it actually tickled her. Nikki had never looked so beautiful. She'd never loved her as much as she did right at that moment. She'd never loved anyone that much. Ever. She didn't even think it was possible.

As Lorraine got changed she could still hear Cassie chatting and giggling away downstairs and she loved the sound. Her once empty and sad home full of spirit. Full of happiness. Lorraine had never been maternal, the thought of having her own children had never crossed her mind. Always too busy focusing on her career. But then again she'd never thought about loving someone, sharing her home with them. Sharing her life. Yet Nikki made her the happiest she'd ever been. She'd opened her eyes to a life she'd been missing out on. To a love she'd never experienced. Maybe Cassie was doing the same? Opening Lorraine's eyes to the possibilities and joy that can come with having a child. It's not something that her and Nikki had ever discussed. She wasn't sure if Nikki was feeling the same... she sure seemed happy when Cassie was around but maybe that was just because of the smile that she put on Lorraine's face?

Lorraine decided on grey joggers, a casual tee and a hoodie. Slipping on a pair of converse. Scraping her hair up into a messy bun and leaving her fresh face make-up free. She felt comfortable. Nikki loved her and so she didn't feel the need to impress anyone. She smiled at herself in the mirror. She'd never thought she'd ever leave the house looking like this. Unless she was off for a run and even then, she'd have make up on. She liked feeling this relaxed. She liked feeling comfortable. She quickly ran down the stairs and was greeted by Cassie waiting patiently on the bottom step. Eyes full of excitement, like she might burst at any moment.

"I take it you've decided where we're going then?" Lorraine giggled. Picking Cassie up as son as she reached her.

"Yes! Iceskating!" Cassie shouted. "Nikki said we just had to check with Mummy if it was ok though. It will be fine. Mummy knows I'm safe with you two." Cassie nodded.

"Oooh I've not been iceskating for years!" Lorraine carried Cassie through to the living room where Nikki was on the phone.

"So it's ok then?" Nikki put a thumbs up to let Cassie know her Mummy said yes.

"I told you so." Cassie rolled her eyes.

"Here you go. Mummy wants to speak to you." Nikki passed the phone to Cassie.

Nikki grabbed Lorraine by the waist and kissed her on the cheek. "You look beautiful, Lo"

"Love you Mummy. All the world. Bye." Cassie kissed the phone and gave to Nikki. Lorraine stood wondering what it would be like to hear someone call her Mummy. Someone to love her as much as Cassie loved her Mum. She thought she'd quite like that. She'd love it in fact. She looked into Nikki's eyes and wished she knew if she was thinking the same.


	34. Chapter 33

Wow. Thank you for the reviews. So glad you're enjoying it. x

Lorraine Nikki and Cassie arrived at the ice rink. After a quick detour to the high street to pick up some hats, scarves and gloves. Cassie had of course insisted on her and Lorraine having matching pink ones. She'd taken off her wig as she said she didn't want the ice to strip it's shine. Lorraine loved how confident Cassie was. For such a young girl, she had the kind of confidence Lorraine couldn't even imagine having. She hoped maybe some of it would rub off on her. Maybe she could find strength in Cassie's beauty to cope when the inevitable happened. When her own hair started to fall out as the chemicals pumped through her veins. Pumping life back in to her.

"No... No... You two go ahead. I'll catch you up." Nikki trembled clinging to the side of the ice rink. Her feet suddenly feeling very disconnected from the rest of her body.

"You have done this before, haven't you, Nik?" Lorraine giggled. She'd never seen Nikki looking so scared. She looked very cute.

"No I haven't." Nikki shook her head. Holding herself up. Not amused by Lorraine's laughter.

"Come on Niknak. We'll help you." Cassie held one of Nikki's hands and put her other hand in Lorraine's. So they were in a line. A petrified Nikki in the middle. Lorraine and Cassie skated confidently, pulling Nikki along with them.

"See. It's easy isn't it?" Cassie beamed. Her skates gliding effortlessly across the ice. Nikki managed a small smile as she started to move the blades. Feeling the ice beneath her, hearing the cool slice of each skate.

"She looks like Bambi!" Cassie whispered to Lorraine squeezing her hand. Lorraine nodded with a giggle. "You keep hold of Niknak, Lolly? I'm going to go faster!"

"Of course I will. You be careful, won't you?" Lorraine frowned at Cassie.

"Honestly, Lorraine. You've seen me. I'm practically a pro. I'll be fine. You just make sure Bambi there doesn't hurt herself." Cassie rolled her eyes and skated off. Twirling and jumping on the ice with the grace of a swan. Lorraine and Nikki watched her in awe.

"How dumb do I feel?" Nikki blushed.

"Finally found something the Boston Bruiser isn't good at eh?" Lorraine pulled Nikki closer by her waist. Still keeping a watchful eye on Cassie who was whizzing around the ice carefree.

"Hmmm, I'm good at all the stuff that matters though, right?" Nikki raised her eyebrows and kissed Lorraine on the end of the nose.

"Yes. Lucky me..." Lorraine's tongue touched her teeth as she cuddled in close to Nikki.

"Well well well... What have we here then?" Barry Barry was leaning against the side of the ice rink with an annoying smirk on his face. "I always thought you were a lezza but never had you down as one... Disgusting." Barry spat looking Lorraine up and down.

"Do you know what?" Nikki forced her way towards him but Lorraine pulled her back. Not only to stop her doing something stupid, like wiping the ugly smirk off his face, but also, falling on her arse in front of him wouldn't be a good look.

"This why you don't work at the school anymore? Incase you infect the kids?" Barry snarled.

"Are you ok?" Cassie had skating over and stood inbetween Nikki and Lorraine. She looked up at Barry, her eyes full of pity.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Barry narrowed his eyes. Wondering who Cassie was.

"We'll it's just, my Mummy says that when someone is mean to other people, it's usually because they are really unhappy with themselves. I'm sorry that you're sad." Cassie studied Barry's face. Making him feel uncomfortable and for the first time, speechless.

Lorraine smiled at Nikki who was proudly nodding down at Cassie. Barry skated off. Embarrassed. He'd just got owned by a little girl.

An hour later and Lorraine thought Cassie was looking tired. She also thought Nikki was going to do herself a serious injury. Ice skating was definitely not her forte. So they all skated off the ice, well Cassie and Lorraine skated, Nikki was pulled by them both.

"Thank you so much. I had loads of fun. Loads!" Cassie held into Lorraine's shoulders as she leant in front of her to help take her ice skates off.

"Me too." Lorraine smiled. "Not sure Niknak did though..." She laughed towards Nikki who was wincing as she pulled her skates off her swollen feet.

"Ouch." Cassie itched underneath her hat but couldn't quite get it. "Hat's starting to itch me, Lolly." She frowned and pulled it off.

"Ew! Where's your hair?!" A girl a little older than Cassie, and who should have known better, stopped and stared and Cassie.

"Oi. Why don't you get some manners?" Lorraine stood up and looked down at the girl.

"Erm excuse me? Who do you think you are, talking to my daughter like that?" The girls Mum appeared by the girls side. The girl who was now smirking cockily up at Lorraine.

"Your daughter is rude." Lorraine stared coldly at the woman in front of her and held Cassie's hand tightly.

"I only asked where her hair was!" The girl narrowed her eyes. Still staring at Cassie.

"It's a valid question. Kids will be kids." The mother shrugged.

"Kids will be better kids when they're brought up correctly." Nikki stood forward next to Lorraine and Cassie.

"Maybe she should keep her hat on?" The mother scowled at Nikki. Cassie went to put her hat back to her head but Lorraine gently took it away. She wouldn't let her be uncomfortable just because this woman and her daughter were so ignorant. Cassie smiled up at her gratefully and turned to the girl.

"The medicine fairy took my hair away. She took my hair but saved my life. It's no big deal." Cassie shrugged towards the girl. "Let's go now." She smiled up at Nikki and Lorraine.

All three of them holding hands made their way out of the ice rink. Cassie with her hat off, confidently smiling and happily skipping. Lorraine had to turn away to hide the tears in her eyes. If Cassie could be this strong, then so could she.


	35. Chapter 34

Your reviews are so kind. Thank you. x

Nikki and Lorraine sat on the sofa with Cassie in between them and a table full of half eaten sweets and popcorn in front of them. They were already on their third Disney film. They'd started with Toy Story, then watched Monsters Inc and were now halfway through The Little Mermaid.

"I just don't get it, Lolly. Why would she want to give up being a mermaid for a boy?" Cassie sighed shaking her head.

"Beats me." Lorraine smiled at Nikki.

"I think she'll regret that. She's being very silly." Cassie tutted and rested her head against Lorraine, curling her feet up next to Nikki with a yawn.

"You tired, sweetheart?" Lorraine stroked Cassie's head.

"No. Mummy lets me stay up till really late... Like nine o'clock or later.." Cassie stuck her tongue in between the gap in her mouth cheekily.

"Hmm I'm sure she does." Nikki laughed looking at Lorraine with a knowing smile.

"Promise. She does." Cassie yawned again.

Lorraine put her arm around Cassie as she snuggled into her. Her eyes disagreeing with her words, as they slowly fluttered shut. Lorraine kissed her forehead. Nikki smiled at them both.

"This is nice isn't it?" Lorraine whispered. Not wanting to wake sleeping beauty up.

"What? The Disney marathon?" Nikki frowned.

"You know what I mean. This. Having a kid around." Lorraine looked down at Cassie sleeping so peacefully and looking like and angel. Her little fingers resting under her chin on Lorraine's shoulder.

"Yeah. It's been nice." Nikki looked down at Cassie with a loving smile.

"Yeah?" Lorraine's eyes widened at the possibility that Nikki's thoughts had been mirroring her own. That they could provide a loving, safe and happy home to a child. That it would complete them. Be the cherry on top of their already blissful cake.

"Yeah." Nikki nodded. "The one good thing that's come out of this awful time is the fact that it's brought this little beauty into our lives. We can spend time with her without having to deal with all the other pressures. We still get to be just us sometimes too. Like, the best of both worlds."

"Oh." Lorraine struggled to hide the disappointment from her face. Chastising herself for assuming Nikki would want the same as her. Having never discussed such a massive life changing thing, she felt stupid for expecting Nikki to want it too. Especially when she hasn't realised its what she'd wanted. Not until Cassie.

"Yeah the best of both worlds." Lorraine forced a smile. Lying to Nikki. Something she hated to do.

"I'll take her up." Nikki kissed Lorraine's forehead then swept Cassie up into her arms.

Lorraine watched her with a sad smile. She looked so natural with a child, how could she not want one of her own?

"Nikki?" Lorraine whispered just before she'd left the room with Cassie. Now or never. She wanted to just ask her outright. If she'd ever want a child, eventually, or if it was completely off the table. It wouldn't change them, Lorraine wanted to spend the rest of her life with Nikki, nothing would change that.

"Yeah?" Nikki turned her head to look back at Lorraine over Cassie sleeping in her shoulder.

"Erm..." Lorraine suddenly didn't want to ask. She didn't want the answer. "Better take Todd up with her... In case she wakes up." Lorraine smiled and handed Nikki Cassie's bear. She bottled it. Nikki took the bear and rewarded Lorraine with a quick peck on the lips for being so thoughtful.

Lorraine busied herself with clearing away all of the left over sweets and putting Cassie's DVD's in her suitcase. She hoped her Mum wouldn't mind that she'd spoiled her a bit. She couldn't help it. She'd give that little girl everything she owned if she asked for it. She really loved her.

"Hey, I would've tidied up." Nikki rubbed Lorraine's back protectively and slumped on the sofa. "Come here." She pulled Lorraine backwards to sit on her knee and snuggled her head into her shoulder.

"Did she go down ok?" Lorraine held into Nikki's arms that were wrapped around her.

"Yeah. She didn't even stir. She's exhausted from all that skating." Nikki giggled. "You're really good with her, you know?" Nikki kissed Lorraine's neck.

"You think?" Lorraine turned to face Nikki. Looking into her eyes, wanting to read her thoughts.

"She idolises you. You're brilliant with her." Nikki nodded.

"You know, I've never even considered being a Mum before..." Lorraine spoke casually, treading carefully not sure how Nikki was going to react. "Have you ever thought about it?"

"No. Not at all. I think that's one of the reasons I got into teaching because you still have the benefits of watching kids grow, develop and blossom into adults. Well most of them... Because I knew I'd never have any of my own." Nikki didn't even hesitate. Disappointingly, for Lorraine, it seems like Nikki had given it a lot of thought already.

"Why though?" Lorraine frowned.

"Erm... Because I'm gay? I've always been gay, babe." Nikki laughed.

"Yeah but that doesn't mean you can't have a child. There are ways." Lorraine tried her best not to sound patronising as she stated the obvious that Nikki seemed to have dismissed.

"Lorraine, you saw what happened today at the ice rink. Kids can be mean, really fucking mean. Especially when there's something that makes a kid different to the others. Like being brought up with two Mums." Nikki shrugged.

"You're kidding me?" Lorraine sat up. "As long as the child has the love and care that they need, it doesn't matter who they are being brought up by."

"Babe... I'm not trying to argue with you." Nikki held her hands up defensively.

"I know. Me neither." Lorraine snuggled back into Nikki.

"Of course I don't see anything wrong with two women or two men wanting a child. I'm just not sure I'd want to give a child a disadvantage before it's even started in life. To make it an easy target. Selfishly, I'm not sure I could cope with all the pressure that came with that." Nikki sighed. "Where's all this come from, Lo?"

"I want a child Nikki. I really fucking do. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear and believe me, I'm even surprised myself that those words are coming out but something's changed. I've changed." Lorraine bit her lip nervously as Nikki looked a little taken back.

"You are all over the place. We shouldn't be discussing it right now. We've just had a brilliant day with Cassie, that's bound to make you feel a bit broody. What we need to focus on is your treatment... Then after that, if you're still feeling this strongly about it then... Then we'll have to discuss it again." Nikki stroked Lorraine's hair.

"Ok. Yeah. We'll come back to it after my treatment." Lorraine nodded. Agreeing with Nikki but also realising nothing would change. She would still want a child. Cassie had opened her heart and there was a space in there that only a child could fill...


	36. Chapter 35

Thank you for the reviews. I'm updating too much because I'm bored! Sorry if I'm boring you. x

"Don't be sad, Lolly. I'll come stay again soon. I promise." Cassie squeezed Lorraine's hand as she noticed the sadness etched across her face as they walked up the path leading to Cassie's house. Lorraine smiled back at her and knocked on the door, reluctantly. She wished Cassie could stay with them forever.

"Mummy!" Cassie dropped her suitcase and flung her arms around her Mum, Becky, as she opened the door.

"Hello princess! Did you have fun?" Becky kissed her daughter. Lorraine's heart ached as she watched. The unconditional love between the two of them was beautiful. She was almost jealous. She wanted that. She wanted to be called Mummy and take care of someone.

"Oh so much, Mummy." Cassie beamed.

"Hi Lorraine. Come in." Becky opened the door and gestured for Lorraine to enter her small home. "Was she good?"

"As good as gold" Lorraine smiled stroking Cassie's head.

"Mummy I'm always good. you know that." Cassie tutted. "I'm going to unpack" she skipped off happily with her suitcase.

"She's such a little character." Lorraine giggled.

"Oh yeah, she's that alright!" Becky laughed. Eyes full of pride. "Want a cuppa?"

"Oh no thanks. I can't stay. Nikki's meeting me at the hospital. Start my chemo today." Lorraine looked to the ground nervously. Knowing as soon as she left there, as soon as she didn't have Cassie to distract her, it would all be real. She'd soon have a visit from Cassie's medicine fairy... Taking her hair in exchange for her life. Stripping her of her identity, the thought making her want to vomit.

"You'll be fine." Becky nodded with a confident smile. "Once you get the first one out of the way, it gets easier." This soothed Lorraine slightly. She knew Becky knew what she was talking about.

"Thanks. Listen, before I go, I've got something for you... Well, for Cassie really..." Lorraine pulled an envelope out of her bag and handed it to Becky. "I really don't want to offend you. But it's something I really wanted to do... I hope it's ok?"

Becky opened the envelope with a frown and pulled out 2 tickets for an all inclusive trip to Disneyland Paris and a bunch of Euro's. Open tickets so they were valid anytime. "Wow... I can't... I really can't accept this." Becky looked up at Lorraine. Eyes full of confusion.

"Please, Becky. I really wanted to do this for you both. It's nothing. Honestly." Lorraine pleaded. Careful to not sound like she was trying to show off. It wasn't about that. She just wanted Cassie to have a bit of happiness. To make up for all the pain she'd cruelly been through.

"I don't know what to say..." Becky had tears in her eyes. Unbeknown to Lorraine, the fact that she couldn't take Cassie to the one place she wanted to go, give her the one thing she wished for, kept her awake at night. "I'll shout Cassie. She's going to be so grateful. She'll love you even more than she already does, if that's possible!"

"No..." Lorraine shook her head. "This is a present for you. For you to give her. Don't tell her it came from me. That's the only condition I have." Lorraine winked. She didn't want to take any credit for this. She wanted Cassie to know that the one person she trusted the most, her Mummy, was making her dream come true.

"It's so kind of you... I'll pay you back though. Every penny." Becky wiped away a stray tear that'd escaped down her cheek.

"I've actually got a proposition for you... My new venture, you might be able to help. That's all the payback I need." Lorraine smiled. "I'll have to go... We'll discuss it another time" Lorraine moved towards the door.

"Cassie, Lorraine's leaving come and say bye!" Becky shouted up then turned to Lorraine. "You sure. About this?" She held the envelope up.

"It's all yours." Lorraine whispered then opened her arms as she Cassie ran down the stairs and jumped into them.

"Good luck at the hospital today, Lolly." She kissed Lorraine's cheek. "Here, take Todd with you. To keep you safe."

"No I can't take him from you." Lorraine shook her head with a grateful smile.

"I insist. Now I don't want to hear any more about it. Take him." Cassie stamped her foot and handed Todd the bear to Lorraine. "Be brave. Love you."

"Love you too. See you soon." Lorraine smiled at Becky as she mouthed 'thank you' and nodded before leaving her to give Cassie her surprise. She stopped for a minute outside the front door. Looking at Todd the bear.

"Let's go do this then, Todd." Lorraine smiled and made her way to her car.

"Are you kidding?! Oh my gosh! Thank you Mummy! Thank you soooooo much!" Lorraine stopped halfway down the path and turned as she heard Cassie screaming in the living room with excitement. She could see her fling her arms around her Mum clutching the Disneyland tickets in her hand. Lorraine closed her eyes for a second. Wanting to memorise that picture. It was so beautiful and she never ever wanted to forget it.

She got in her car and despite being nervous about the hospital she couldn't stop smiling. That image of Cassie and her Mum would get her through today. That and her Nikki, obviously. Who she was dying to get back to. Another thing that was going to get her through the treatment was knowing she and Nikki were going to discuss the prospect of having a child once she was better.

When Lorraine pulled into the hospital car park, Nikki was waiting for her outside the grey depressing doors with her arms behind her back.

"Fancy seeing you here." Lorraine kissed her on the lips. Nikki pulled her hands from behind her back to reveal a huge bouquet of pink and purple flowers.

"For me? Nikki Boston, you absolute romantic." Lorraine's eyes twinkled as she leant forward letting the beautiful scent of the flowers fill her senses.

"Nope. For my mate on reception..." Nikki laughed. "Of course for you... Well they were until you turned up with someone else in your arms" Nikki faked a hurt pout as she looked down at Todd the bear against Lorraine's chest.

"To keep me safe." Lorraine nodded.

"That's my job." Nikki took hold of Lorraine's hand. "Ready?"

"Ready." Lorraine nodded calmly before they both walked through the hospital doors. Nikki's thumb stroking on the palm of her hand sending reassuring butterflies up her arm and straight to her heart.


	37. Chapter 36

Thank you so much for the lovely reviews. I'm not kidding when I say that they mean LOADS to me. This chapter is a little sad. Sorry. x

Nikki leaned over Lorraine to check she was asleep before gently pulling her arm from underneath her. Then she tiptoed to the ensuite bathroom, the same as she'd done for the past few nights. Lorraine had responded well to the chemotherapy and so had been allowed home as an outpatient. A nurse visited and gave her the treatment there instead.

Nikki got on her knees in front of the shower and pulled some of Lorraine's golden locks out of the plug hole. She realised it was inevitable that Lorraine would discover her hair was falling out but she wanted to delay it for as long as possible. She wanted to protect her. So like she'd done ever since it had started to happen, she quickly disposed of the evidence. Tears rolling down her cheeks. She wished she could swap places with Lorraine. She'd do it in a heartbeat.

Nikki climbed back into bed and felt Lorraine's forehead. She needed to check she was the correct temperature. Her immune system was so affected by the chemotherapy that she was at risk of getting sick. More sick. Lorraine stirred and fluttered her eyes open greeting Nikki with a sleepy smile.

"You ok?" Lorraine frowned when a light from a passing car shone through the window illuminating Nikki's face. "You've been crying." She whispered.

"No I'm fine." Nikki lied. Lorraine just nodded. She didn't believe her but she didn't have the strength to argue. "More importantly, how're you feeling?"

"Fine." Lorraine also lied as she felt a wave of sickness ride throughout her body. She sat up and sipped on the water next to the bed. As she did, Nikki noticed a clump of gold on the pillow... She quickly grabbed the hair in her fist. She was a little too late though as she noticed Lorraine's eyes on her.

"Nikki. You don't have to hide it. I know you have been. It's happening a lot isn't it?" Lorraine's lip started to quiver. She bit it hard. Wanting to be brave. Hating herself for being so pathetic.

"Not a lot no..." Nikki lied again. Still trying her best to protect Lorraine.

"I can feel it, Nik. It's so thin now." Lorraine released her lip from her teeth and gave in to the sobs that consumed her whole body.

"Come on now. It's not a big deal, Lo." Nikki pulled her close.

"Not a big deal?" Lorraine pulled away slightly. It was a big deal. It was breaking her heart.

"Sorry, what I meant was. Compared to the alternative. If it's what it takes to get you better then it's a small price to pay." Nikki pulled her back into her chest. Lorraine allowed her to this time, sobbing on to her shoulder.

"I know I'm being stupid. Honestly, I do. It's just... Without my hair, without my looks, what am I?" Lorraine shrugged.

"What do you mean?" Nikki cupped Lorraine's face and wiped away her tears.

"There's nothing else about me. Other than being half decent looking... All style and no substance." She sniffed. Looking away from Nikki. Embarrassed, scared, in case Nikki hadn't realised this and would now run a mile.

"Are you kidding me?" Nikki lifted Lorraine's chin to meet her gaze. "Lorraine, you're the most caring, funny, intelligent, generous and totally admirable person I know. Nothing to do with how you look, you have a heart of gold."

"You're just saying that." Lorraine shook her head.

"You think I'm only with you because of your looks? It wasn't until I started to get to know the real you that I started having feelings for you. I fell in love with your heart. The fact you're beautiful is just an added bonus."

"You really mean it?" Lorraine studied Nikki's face. Waiting for her to laugh. She didn't. She was actually serious and it made Lorraine smile.

"You really need to ask?" Nikki pulled Lorraine close, rubbing her nose against hers affectionately. "You're my world, Lo" she kissed her lips, then traced her tongue along them, Lorraine opened her mouth slightly giving Nikki's tongue permission to meet her own. Their eyes fluttering closed as they kissed slowly. Full of love. Full of promise.

"Will you do something for me?" Lorraine pulled away. Her watery eyes sparkling as they looked into Nikki's.

"Anything." Nikki nodded, stroking down Lorraine's pale face.

"Get rid of this." Lorraine flicked her golden curls over her shoulder.

"Lorraine... I don't know if I can.." Nikki swallowed hard.

"Please? I just... I can't bear to see it falling out day after day... Prolonging the agony. Lets just get it out of the way in one go. I want to be brave, Nik." Lorraine closed her eyes.

"Ok... If that's what you want." Nikki's voice broke slightly. She knew this was breaking Lorraine's heart and she couldn't stand it.

Lorraine moved to the dressing table and sat in front of the mirror. She handed Nikki the scissors and electric shaver. "Do it before I change my mind." She breathlessly sobbed. Keeping her eyes closed as tears ran down her face. She held her breath as she heard the scissors snip... She slowly opened her eyes to see Nikki. Stood behind her, looking into the mirror and cutting her own hair off.

"Nikki! What are you doing?!" Lorraine's mouth fell open as she watched Nikki cut all of her hair off then reach for the shaver.

"We're in this together, right? It's just hair. Nothing more." Nikki smiled confidently then took the shaver to her head. Running smooth strokes forward to back. Not flinching. Not caring. Just wanting to be there for Lorraine. To show her it didn't matter. It was irrelevant.

Once it was all off, she stood looking in the mirror and running the palm of her hand over her smooth head with a small smile.

"Feel it..." Nikki leant forward to Lorraine who slowly ran her hand over the newly exposed skin.

"Nikki.., I don't know what to say. I can't believe you... I love you so much." Lorraine kissed the top of Nikki's head.

"Your turn..." Nikki smiled.

"Do it..." Lorraine just kept her eyes on Nikki's head. She needed to be strong. Nikki had just sacrificed her own hair for her. She didn't want to let her down. Even as she felt her hair fall loosely down her back and onto the floor, she didn't wince, didn't cry. Just kept thinking of the love for her Nikki had just displayed. It took her breath away.

Once she was finished, Nikki wrapped her arms over Lorraine's shoulders and nuzzled her face into hers as they both looked in the mirror.

"You've never looked so beautiful." Nikki kissed Lorraine's cheek. Lorraine smiled. She felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She was still beautiful to Nikki and that's all that mattered.


	38. Chapter 37

Thank you for the reviews. sorry to make you cry! xx

Nikki and Lorraine sat in a consultants office holding hands. Lorraine had her eyes fixed on their fingers entwined together while Nikki looked at her face. She looked so frail and weak. The past months had been so tough for both of them. Lorraine had been so sick from the chemo and lost a lot of weight, Nikki had watched her deteriorate and it had broken her heart. She'd never let it show in front of Lorraine though. Always staying so strong for her. Taking care of her and making her feel safe. They were closer than ever.

"I love you." Nikki whispered making Lorraine look up and into her eyes.

"I know. I'm so lucky." Lorraine squeezed her hand. "I couldn't have done this without you, you know?"

"You wouldn't have had to. Ever." Nikki shook her head. It was true. There is no way she'd not have been there for Lorraine. Even if they'd not been together, she'd have made sure she still looked after her. She was her soul mate. Even if it took them both too long to realise it.

"So sorry to keep you waiting Ms Donnegan." The consultant rushed through the door looking flustered.

"No worries." Lorraine lied. She was worrying and having to wait even a few minutes felt like a lifetime.

The consultant sat down behind his desk and looked at Lorraine's file in front of him. Both Nikki and Lorraine ran their eyes all over his chubby face looking for some kind of sign if it was good or bad news. He sat silently flicking through the file and then pressed his fingertips together and rested his chin on them. Lorraine stared at the hairs sprouting through his nose. Maybe if he got rid of them, his breathing wouldn't be so fucking annoying. Why isn't he saying anything? Can't he tell that she was going through hell?

"So...?" Nikki exhaled frustratingly. As if hearing Lorraine's thoughts.

"So..." He looked up at Lorraine. Snorting through his nose again. Making her wince.

"This isn't the fucking X Factor. Enough of the dramatic pauses!" Nikki shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Lorraine squeezed her hand gratefully.

"Sorry. We're just eager to find out. Understandably." Lorraine smiled apologetically when she saw the hurt expression on the consultants face. He didn't mean to be annoying.

"Yes. Quite." He mumbled. "Well... We got your test results back and you responded well to the Chemotherapy. You're all clear." He nodded. No smile. No relief. Just so matter of fact.

"All... Clear? Are you sure?" Lorraine gulped. She hadn't expected to hear those two little words. Because she'd felt so ill, she'd assumed it hadn't worked.

"Oh my God!" Nikki pulled Lorraine up and hugged her tightly. "Well done babe. I knew you could do it!"

"I can't believe it Nik. I really can't!" Lorraine clung onto Nikki as tears of joy, relief and surprise ran down both their cheeks.

"We'll prescribe you tamoxifen for the next five years and will still want to see you regularly for the first year but yes... You are all clear." The consultant couldn't help but give in to the small smile that appeared on his face as he watched Nikki and Lorraine celebrate.

"Thank you so much!" Nikki shook his hand and then looked to the ground like a naughty schoolgirl "sorry for swearing at you"

"Thank you." Lorraine whispered. Still trying to let it sink in. All clear. Healthy. Normal. Wow.

As soon as they got home, Lorraine plugged her laptop in.

"Lorraine?" Nikki sighed.

"Oh come on... You heard him. I'm all better." Lorraine smiled sweetly at Nikki. The smile she knew could wrap her around her little finger. Nikki hadn't allowed Lorraine to log on or do anything to do with her businesses while she was sick. She didn't want her getting stressed and affecting her recovery. Plus Lorraine paid others way over the odds to run things and it was about time they did.

"Ok... But not too long. I want you all to myself." Nikki winked.

"I just need to try and find a local building available for my new venture." The spark was back in Lorraine's voice. Her face lighting up. She was looking forwards. Now she knew that there was a forwards.

"You really going ahead with the hospital? I thought that was just all the medication talking!" Nikki giggled.

"No... I've realised that is a little ambitious. Even for me." She smiled cheekily.

"So?" Nikki raised her eyebrows. "Gonna tell me or?"

"It's a surprise." Lorraine tapped her nose. Nikki sat next to Lorraine and snuggled into her. Enjoying having the old Lorraine back. Months of sleepless nights worrying about her finally caught up. She closed her eyes and fell asleep. Lorraine smiled down at her. She closed her laptop and wrapped her arms around her, resting her head on hers. She closed her eyes and joined her in a carefree sleep. As excited as she was about her new venture, it could wait. Right now she wanted to be close to Nikki. The most important thing in her life. Moments like this were priceless. She'd been so close to losing them that she wanted to cherish every single one from now on.


	39. Chapter 38

Hi all. Sorry for the delay! It wouldn't let me log in :(  
This is a bit shit. Sorry.

"Maybe pink?" Lorraine giggled as she held up a fluorescent pink stripper like wig. Nikki just frowned and pulled her tongue out in disgust.

Lorraine's hair was growing back but it was still so short that she'd decided to get a temporary wig. She was better and she wanted to put the cancer behind her. She didn't want to think about it, be reminded every time she caught a glimpse of her reflection in a shop window. At home she was more than comfortable without one but out in the big bad world, she wanted her confidence back, to hide behind the long blonde bouncing locks and red lipstick.  
Nikki on the other hand was more than happy with her shorter hair. She embraced it and Lorraine loved it too.

"Ok... I'll just go for my normal then." Lorraine rolled her eyes over dramatically and picked up a long blonde curled wig resembling her own hair before she lost it. "Do you have this in an extra small?" Lorraine held the pink wig up to the sales assistant.

"Yes. I don't think you'll be an extra small though?" The lady behind the till frowned, silently measuring up Lorraine's head.

"It's not for me." Lorraine smiled then turned to Nikki. "Cassie will love it!"

"Yeah she will." Nikki smiled but quickly changed the subject. She knew the conversation about them having their own child was looming and she was trying her hardest to out it off. Unspoken words hanging in the air between them. Threatening to be spoken. Wanting to cause problems. "What times your meeting with your accountant?"

"Half an hour." Lorraine sighed. She knew what Nikki was doing. The same thing she did every time Lorraine was about to bring up the thing she wanted the most. She handed the money to the cashier and took the bag of wigs with a polite smile.

"Then I get to hear all about your new venture right?" Nikki followed Lorraine out of the shop. Trying her hardest to get Lorraine in business mode. When she was in business mode, she didn't have a chance to think about what Nikki didn't want to discuss...

"Yeah. As long as he gives me the green light. As long as its financially viable." Lorraine tried to smile but failed. Little did Nikki know that having a child never left Lorraine's thoughts. Ever.

"Well I'm going in to see Christine." Nikki rolled her eyes.

"It'll be fine. Trust me. The PRU needs you, Nik. You know that right? Just swallow your pride for those kids. And for me." Lorraine wrapped her arms around Nikki's waist. "Promise?"

"I promise." Nikki nodded.

"I'll meet you at the school once my meeting is over." Lorraine kissed the end of Nikki's nose. Nikki frowned. "I'm ready to come back. Business won't teach itself now, will it?" She winked.

"Ok ok" Nikki held her hands up defensively. She knew there was no point in arguing. Plus if she was going back to school, it would be much easier with Lorraine there too. "See you later, babe. I love you."

"You too." Lorraine nodded and climbed into her car. Excited to see her accountant, eager to build plans for the future and most importantly, relishing in being the old Lorraine again. Strong, confident and determined. She put her wig on and flicked the golden curls behind her shoulder. God, she'd missed that feeling. She put her foot down and sped off.

"Nikki... Hi." Christine stiffened in her chair awkwardly as Nikki entered the office. "Take a seat."

"Listen, I was out of order to walk out the way I did. I understand that. I-" Nikki stayed standing. Feeling a bit more comfortable looking down at Christine.

"Let me stop you there." Christine held her hand up. "If I'd have known where you were going, how ill Lorraine was... Well I wouldn't have stopped you."

"Oh... Erm..." Nikki sat down. Lost for words, she was expecting a bollocking off Christine. The woman who usually never missed an opportunity to insert her authority.

"Come on Nikki, I know we've not always seen eye to eye, but you know I'm not heartless. How is she?" Christine's voice was soft. Caring and surprisingly genuine.

"A lot better. She's coming in today... I think." Nikki nodded. Still a little shocked at the compassion oozing from Christine.

"It'll be good to see her. So... I take it you're here to resume your position too?" Christine smiled hopefully. Truth be told, she'd struggled without Nikki.

"If you'll have me?" Nikki shrugged.

"You better get to the PRU then." Christine's authoritative tone was back but there was still a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye. Nikki nodded and left the office. Looking forward to getting back to work.

"Nikki..." Lola ran over and hugged Nikki. Taking her a little by surprise. She kept her hands down at her sides and pulled away slightly. "I've missed you. So glad you're back!"

"Erm... Yeah. Thanks." Nikki forced a smile, feeling very uncomfortable, Lola was acting like nothing had happened. Why couldn't she just hate her for what happened? Why did she have to be so nice all the time? It made Nikki feel guilty.

"I better get to the PRU..." Nikki turned to leave but Lola quickly grabbed onto her arm.

"Listen... I get it now." Lola's voice was almost a whisper. She was looking straight into Nikki's eyes from underneath her long lashes. Like they were sharing a secret. But Nikki didn't have a clue what she was talking about. "The reason why you went back... Because she had cancer, right? I knew there was no way you'd throw away all we had for a heartless bitch like her. I knew it. You pitied her. Now she's better... Well you won't feel as guilty about coming back to me... I've waited for you, Nik"

"No... Lola... Weren't you listening to a word I said when we broke up? I love her. Always have." Nikki shrugged her arm away from Lola's grip.

"Come on... She's damaged goods." Lola spat. Her nice mask slipping momentarily. For the first time ever, she looked ugly.

"I think you better stop talking." Nikki's eyes flamed as she took a step towards Lola.

"I didn't mean anything by it... It's just what we had... It was so-"

"What we had was nothing, Lola." Nikki shook her head with a small laugh. Her patience had run out. She was done with trying to be nice, it obviously wasn't working.

"Nik...?" Lola grabbed her arm again.

"It's Nikki. I hate it when you call me Nik. Always have." Nikki pulled her arm away fiercely and made her way to the PRU. She couldn't stand to look at Lola. Nobody spoke about Lorraine like that. Especially not now. Not ever.


	40. Chapter 39

Thanks for the reviews. Love you for still reading. x

Nikki sat at her desk watching the students scribbling down the answers to a test she'd given them. She'd been away for a while and needed to reevaluate their levels. She smiled as she observed the concentration on their faces. She'd missed them. She really had. She'd got a brilliant reception when she walked into the classroom so she felt like the feeling was mutual. She was pulled out of her thoughts by a tapping on the door.

"Aw it's Miss Donnegan!" Rhiannon beamed and the class all looked up.

"Girlfriend come to hold your hand eh Miss?" Barry smirked.

"Oooh. You might want to reign that jealousy in a bit, Barry. Don't worry... you'll get a girlfriend of your own one day." Nikki winked much to the amusement of the rest of the class. Barry was left red faced when the class hasn't responded the way he'd hoped. He couldn't understand how no one else seemed to care... They just accepted it and it riled him.

Lorraine wiggled her finger with a tilt of her head suggesting Nikki go outside.

"Right, carry on with the test... In silence. I'll just be a minute." Nikki raised her eyebrows at the class before leaving to meet her excited Girlfriend.

"You look happy!" Nikki smiled as she noticed Lorraine's pearly white teeth gleaming, teamed with dimples and a smile that met her eyes.

"I am! I got the green light. So now I can tell you all about my new venture!" Lorraine practically squealed. Eyes full if excitement like she might burst at any second.

"That's great Lorraine... But I'm kind if in the middle of a class.." Nikki giggled.

"Oh that can wait." Lorraine waved a hand dismissively. "I'm opening a Cancer care treatment centre. Focusing on kids mainly... And their families. A place where they can come and get their treatment but at the same time, still learn, have fun and mix with other kids going through the same thing. What do you think?!" Lorraine spoke so fast like if she didn't get the words out they'd choke her.

"Lorraine, I think that's a wonderful idea. I really do." Nikki nodded. Impressed with her beautiful thoughtful Girlfriend.

"Good. Because I want you right by my side. Equal partners... You can teach the kids... You up for it?" Lorraine had obviously put a lot of thought into this. It had been what had kept her going. This and Nikki of course.

"Wow... Erm... That's amazing, Lo but what about this place? They need me..." Nikki nodded towards the kids in the PRU. Who were running riot while she was outside. Nikki banged on the door and widened her eyes at them. They quickly sat back down.

"Nikki, this is a great opportunity... Obviously I'm not going to force you into it. I just thought it would be something we could have together. That's all." Lorraine had lost her smile. She'd been excited to tell Nikki but that was now replaced with disappointment. "Look, you don't have to decide right away. It's going to take a while to set up anyway. Have a think about it, yeah?"

"Of course I will. I am grateful you know? And I do think the centre is a wonderful idea. I'm proud of you." Nikki stroked Lorraine's face. And there it was. The smile she loved so much was back.

"Right well I better go and talk to Christine." Lorraine frowned.

"You haven't been to see her yet?" Nikki giggled.

"No I wanted to see you first. Your face or hers... No contest really is there?" Lorraine's tongue touched her teeth cheekily and Nikki wished they were alone. Her eyes sparkled, noticed by Lorraine. "Hold that thought Ms Boston. See you at home later." She winked and turned, walking down the corridor, heels clicking, curls bouncing. Nikki watched her walk away until she disappeared around the corner. She was back. Lighting up the corridors, making Nikki's heart pound. Her Lorraine was back. Ambitious, confident and sexy.

Lorraine waltzed through the corridors head high and a smile on her face. Although she was dreading seeing Christine, she was on a high after her appointment with the accountant & predicted she'd be brought back down to earth with a massive bang by Christine. She didn't want to see her but at the same time wanted to get it over and done with. She got her phone out of her bag and checked her emails. She was so engrossed in them that she walked straight into someone.

"Oh sorry!" Lorraine looked up. Ugh. It was Lola.

"You look better." Lola looked at Lorraine accusingly. She had a smile on her face but not the usual sickeningly sweet smile that Lorraine had grown to hate, it was a forced smile. A bit manic.

"Yeah I feel it. Thanks." Lorraine moved to walk past Lola but she stepped in front of her. "Sorry... Is there a problem?" She shrugged. Unwilling to show Lola how uncomfortable she was making her feel.

"I could never compete with cancer could I?" Lola narrowed her eyes, her voice was a vindictive whisper. "Now it's gone... You really think Nikki will stick around? You were a pity fuck."

"Wow... Look which little mouse has finally found her voice... Move out of my way." Lorraine stared straight into Lola's eyes, arching one eyebrow. She wasn't going to be intimidated.

Lola stepped aside, looking Lorraine up and down.

"I'll get her back, you know? We belong together me and her." Lola shouted after Lorraine who just shook her head and held her middle finger up. Suddenly, seeing Christine didn't seem so bad after all.


	41. Chapter 40

Cheeky little update (second of the day!) to thank you for the reviews.

"Lorraine!" Sonya stopped filing her nails and ran over to hug her Sister.

"Busy as usual I see!" Lorraine laughed as she struggled to breathe with Sonyas arms squeezing her tiny body as tightly as they could.

"What you doing back? Bit soon innit?" Sonya studied Lorraine's face carefully. As if looking for signs of illness.

"I'm fine, Son. Really I am." Lorraine squeezed Sonyas hand reassuringly. "How's Mum? I haven't really had chance to go in with everything going on."

"Yeah she's good. She's really good. She's not too keen on Zeb though... She told him his tattoo was stupid!" Sonya pouted.

"Really?" Lorraine mocked surprise. His tattoo is stupid. "I'll go see her this weekend."

"She'll like that." Sonya smiled. Tears in her eyes. It thrilled her that Lorraine was back in touch with their Mum. And they were closer than they'd ever been too. She'd always looked up to her big Sister and never quite felt good enough. Nikki had changed Lorraine and Sonya couldn't be more grateful.

"The dragon in or what?" Lorraine nodded her head towards Christine's office with a cheeky smile.

"Yeah... Go through." Sonya winked and returned to her desk to finish her nails.

Lorraine knocked on the door of the office and waited to be called in. Once she heard Christine's Scottish tones giving permission she took a deep breathe and walked in, closing the door behind her.

"My my... Lorraine Donnegan knocking before entering? What did they do to you at that hospital?" Christine smiled playfully.

"Well... You know me, Christine. One for the rules." Lorraine smiled back and sat down opposite the head teacher.

"How are you?" Christine's voice was soft, full of empathy and Lorraine appreciated it. There was no patronising tilt of the head. No pity. Just what seemed to be genuine care.

"All better." Lorraine nodded.

"Health wise maybe... Takes time to mentally get over something like that though. Believe me... I know." Christine's eyes glistened with tears threatening to fall.

"You mean... You?" Lorraine frowned.

"Yep. 6 years ago... I didn't quite cope how you seem to be though. It scared me so much... I hit the bottle." Christine's shook her head.

"I had no idea..." Lorraine shrugged. So that's why Christine was being so understanding. She knew. She'd felt it. She understood.

"Anyway... I just wanted to let you know incase you needed someone to talk to. Everyone will tell you they know how you feel... But they don't. Not really. Not unless they've been through it themselves. So if you do need to talk to someone. Well, I'm here." Christine nodded with a small smile.

"Thank you. I appreciate it." Lorraine smiled. She really did. Other than Cassie, Lorraine didn't have anyone who knew how it felt in her life.

"Right... Back to business. Are you ready to come back? We've postponed the start of Business Studies while you were off. Maggie's been going through housework skills and the like. As you can imagine this hasn't gone down too well with the boys..," Christine rolled her eyes remembering the boycott she'd had on her hands when Maggie had tried to make the students clean the toilets.

"I am. I've got a few ideas. Some practical work. I've got a new venture in the pipeline and thought I could enrol the students to help out. Get some hands on experience. Will look good in their CV's. Do you want to look over them?" Lorraine pulled a folder out of her bag.

"No.." Christine shook her head. "It's your baby. I trust you to run with it."

"Wow. Well... Thanks. See you tomorrow then." Lorraine hurried to the door before Christine could have chance to change her mind.

"Lorraine?" Christine stopped her as she put her hand on the door handle. Lorraine turned around wearily. Had she changed her mind? Wanted to dictate her own business curriculum?

"It's good to have you back." Christine smiled genuinely. Lorraine nodded and left. Feeling happy, grateful and excited.

Lorraine was tired. The day had really taken it out of her, she gave Nikki a quick text as she made her way to the car.

"Hey Babe,

Going home. Gonna pop in to give Cass her wig on the way. See you later. Love you NikNak ;) xxx"

Although tired, Lorraine couldn't wait to see Cassie. She'd not seen her for ages, due to how sick she'd been during her chemo, and she wanted to hear all about Disneyland. Couldn't wait to see her little face light up as she remembered the magic. As she drove to Cassie's, Lorraine imagined feeling this excited everyday. If she had her own child. Now that she'd got the green light for the Cancer centre, maybe it was about time she approached the subject with Nikki again. She didn't want to put it off any longer.


	42. Chapter 41

Thanks for reviewing! x

Lorraine knocked on Cassie's door with one hand and held Todd the bear and a bag with Cassie's pink wig in the other.

"Lorraine! Hi!" Becky beamed as she opened the door. "Come in... Come in."

Lorraine followed Becky through the hall, careful not to trip over Cassie's shoes & toys on the way.

"Excuse the mess." Becky blushed and brushed her messy hair out of her face. She looked tired. Really tired. Exhausted in fact and it really saddened Lorraine.

"Are you ok Becky?" Lorraine sat down on the sofa and placed Todd the bear next to her.

"Yeah. Just had a tough few days with Cass, that's all." Becky forced a smile but Lorraine could see the sadness behind her eyes.

"Where is the little madam? It's all very quiet." Lorraine giggled. Eager to change the subject, knowing Becky was a strong woman and wouldn't want to cry in front of her.

"She's sleeping. She was up all night last night being sick. Another dose of Chemo. It's really taking it out of her." Becky rubbed her forehead with the palm of her hand. "It's a shame because she's dying to tell you all about it too. We had such a wonderful time. Thank you so much. Again."

"I'll come round when she's feeling a bit better. You can stop with the thank you's as well... I told you. It was your surprise remember?" Lorraine winked.

Becky nodded and slumped down in an armchair with a sigh. Lorraine guesses it was probably the first time she'd sat down all day.

"Last time you were here, you mentioned I'd be able to help you out? With your new business idea?" Becky looked up at Lorraine.

"Yeah but you've got a lot on your mind with Cass. I'll talk to you about it another time. Lorraine waved a hand dismissively.

"It'll help take my mind off it for a bit. I tell you what... I'll make us a brew and you can tell me all about it." Becky smiled

"No... You've been up all night with Cass. I should go, I'm keeping you from napping while she's finally asleep." Lorraine stood up.

"I can't sleep now anyway, in case she needs to be sick again. She's scared of being sick on her own... Quite weak to get to the bathroom in time. She needs me awake." Becky shrugged.

"She needs you alive. You're gonna kill yourself... I'll stay and look after her for a bit. While you shower, eat, sleep, do whatever you need. Please? I want to help." Lorraine pleaded. She couldn't stand seeing Becky looking so uncharacteristically weak. "We'll talk about the business stuff later. I promise."

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Becky frowned.

"It's an order. Go and sleep." Lorraine widened her eyes with authority. She was good at that.

"You're an angel." Becky relaxed for the first time. "If you need anything..."

"I'll manage now go." Lorraine laughed.

Becky did as she was told and went for a sleep. Lorraine tidied around downstairs for Becky. wanting it to be nice for when she woke up. Once done, Lorraine tiptoed quietly into Cassie's room. Careful not to wake her up. Lorraine gasped slightly when her eyes fell on Cassie. She was so pale, so thin and looked really ill. Although she'd been ill since she met her, because she was such a happy and positive little girl, it was easy to forget that she was so poorly. But here now, lying in front of her, there was no ignoring it and it broke Lorraine's heart. She placed Todd the bear next to a sleeping Cassie and sat on the floor next to the bed. Watching her sleep, wanting to be there if she woke up.

Nikki had rushed home. She wanted to treat Lorraine tonight, celebrate the Cancer Centre getting the go ahead and spoil her rotten. She was cooking for them both & had bought Lorraine's favourite bottle of wine. She'd even got Lorraine's favourite film in the DVD player. 'Amelie'. Nikki wasn't a fan but Lorraine loved it. That's all that mattered. Plus it had been the first film they'd ever watched together. When they were just friends, one night at Lorraine's, they were going over some school stuff when they got onto talking about films. Lorraine was deeply shocked that Nikki had never seen Amelie and demanded they watched it. They ditched the reports and budgets for popcorn & wine. Nikki remembers spending most of the time watching Lorraine instead if the TV screen. Wishing she could snuggle closer to her. Hold her hand. It was only once they'd got together that Lorraine told Nikki she'd been thinking the same and they both kicked themselves for not being brave enough.

Nikki poured the wine and checked her phone. It was getting on... She was starting to worry about Lorraine. It'd been hours since she text to say she was going to Cassie's...

"Hey..." Becky walked into Cassies room. "You know you didn't have to literally watch her the whole time?" Becky giggled.

"I know... I was just worried I wouldn't hear her if she woke up. Nice sleep?" Lorraine stood up.

"Yeah. Thank you so much. What time is it?" Becky yawned sleepily as she stroked Cassie's sleeping head.

"oh shit its half 9" Lorraine pulled out her phone. She'd put it on silent so it wouldn't wake Cassie up and she had 16 missed calls. All from Nikki.

"God. So sorry, I had no idea I'd slept for that long!" Becky bit her lip guiltily.

"Don't be silly it's fine. You needed it. You're not on your own you know? Whenever you feel like you need a bit of help... Just ask. I'll be offended if you don't. Tell Sleeping Beauty I'm sorry to have missed her. I'll call back tomorrow if that's ok?"

"of course it is." Becky nodded. She liked how much Lorraine seemed to care for Cassie and Cassie never stopped talking about Lorraine so the feeling was mutual.

Lorraine said her goodbyes... Refused money Becky was trying to give her for "babysitting" and jumped into her car. She needed a hug. She needed Nikki.


	43. Chapter 42

Thank you so much for the reviews! They mean so much to me. I really try to update as often as possible for you. Sorry this chapter is a bit grim. It will get better. Promise. If you read, please take a minute to leave a review. x

Lorraine sighed heavily when she walked through the front door. The drive home was a bit of a blur. She couldn't get the image of Cassie out of her head. She wished she could do more to help. Her heart ached.

"Lo? Where the hell have you been?!" Nikki ran to the hallway eyes full of relief but voice full of anger. "I tried calling you like a million times. I was worried about you!"

"Sorry." Lorraine smiled sadly.

"Sorry? Lorraine, I'd cooked for us." Nikki pointed over to the table with now cold food on it.

"Sorry. Nikki, can you be mad at me later please? Right now I need a cuddle." Lorraine's bottom lip quivered and Nikki instantly pulled her into her arms. As soon as Lorraine's head was resting on Nikki's chest, she let go of herself and the tears she'd held in for so long at Cassie's house.

"Hey... What's all this? What's happened?" Nikki stroked Lorraine's hair and kissed her forehead.

"It's Cassie... Nik, she's so ill." Lorraine sobbed. Struggling to catch her breath.

"Yeah but we've always known that." Nikki spoke softly. Holding Lorraine tightly.

"No I know but... You should've seen her. She looked really ill. For the first time. It's not fair. She doesn't deserve it." Lorraine wiped her tears away. Trying unsuccessfully to stop staining Nikki's top with her streaming mascara.

"No. It's not fair. You're right." Nikki walked Lorraine through to the living room and handed her a glass of wine. She looked in desperate need of a drink.

"I feel so guilty." Lorraine managed to speak normally once she'd stopped crying and had a few sips of wine.

"Guilty? I don't understand." Nikki frowned, suiting close to Lorraine. Holding her hand.

"Here's me... Just been given the all clear... Then there's her. Her whole life ahead of her. Such a lovely, positive little girl with so much to give to the world and she's still so ill. Why should I pull through it while she suffers?" Lorraine shrugged.

"Lorraine, you mustn't think like that..." Nikki shook her head.

"I can't help it. I hate that there's nothing I can do to help her. No amount of money can cure her can it?" Lorraine gulped on her wine. Nikki just shook her head and pulled her close. Not really sure what to say because Lorraine was right. No amount of money could cure Cassie. They just sat there in silence for ages. Nikki holding Lorraine. Lorraine's mind on overdrive. Trying to think of a solution to help Cassie. No matter how hard she thought, she just came to a dead end. There was no answer.

"See... This is the kind of thing that makes me think we're lucky." Nikki sighed. Stroking Lorraine's forehead.

"How do you mean?" Lorraine frowned sitting up to look at Nikki.

"Well... It's really sad isn't it? Especially for Becky. I can't even imagine what she's going through. Having a child brings all of these worries. All this responsibility. You're needed to protect and look after that child... When you can't, well it must break you're heart. We won't have that. We're lucky." Nikki smiled.

"But... We haven't even discussed having a child yet. Not properly." Lorraine narrowed her eyes. Her heart was sinking. Nikki's words were the iceberg and it was going down fast. No life boats.

"I told you my thoughts on it, Lo." Nikki spoke carefully. Sending the anger in Lorraine's tone.

"Yeah and I told you mine. I want a child, Nik. I really do." Lorraine looked Nikki straight in the eyes. Hoping her desperation would translate. "You said we'd discuss it properly once I was better. And I am now..."

"But look how upset you are over Cassie... And she's not even ours." Nikki tried to reason with Lorraine but it wasn't the right time. She was tired, upset and furious that Nikki was going back on her word.

"I still love her though..."

"I do too. You know I do." Nikki sighed.

"Then why are you using her to try and back up your decision that we shouldn't have a child? A decision that we should make together by the way.." Lorraine was moving away from Nikki. Physically and emotionally. Her walls were coming up. The walls Nikki had worked so hard to break down.

"Together. Exactly. If I feel this strongly about not having one then we shouldn't. With your new venture you'll be around kids all the time anyway..." Nikki tried to hold Lorraine's hand but she pulled it away.

"Is that why you're supporting it? To stop me from nagging you about having our own?" Lorraine studied Nikki's face. Anger clouding her view of her.

"I'm not even going to answer that. You know it's not true." Nikki rubbed her head in frustration. "I love you. So much. I don't want to argue with you."

"I don't want to argue with you either." Lorraine sighed. "I'm just tired. It's been a long day. Think I better go to bed." Lorraine stood up. She turned to leave but caught a glimpse of the uncertainty on Nikki's face. Nikki stayed sitting on the sofa. Lorraine was obviously angry with her so she assumed she wanted to be alone.

"Are you coming?" Lorraine held out her hand to Nikki. Yes she felt angry with her but she didn't want to be alone. She wanted to be held, feel loved and close to Nikki. This was still a big issue that needed to be addressed between them but right now she was willing to forget about it. Just for tonight.

Nikki took Lorraine's hand and nodded. Of course she was going with her. Her heart was heavy and she wished that Lorraine could understand why she didn't want them to have a child. She also sensed that Lorraine needed her so she was willing to just be there for her. To put this aside. Just for tonight.

They got on bed and cuddled up as if the argument hadn't even happened. Facing each other and falling asleep with their noses touching and their hands entwined. Tomorrow was another day. A day that would probably bring the same argument but for now... For now they were happy. They were one. They were perfect.


	44. Chapter 43

Wow thank you for the lively reviews! Appreciate them so much. x

"So... In your groups, I'd like you to come up with some fun activities, learning plans and, taking into consideration all the costs on the lists, budgets for the centre." Lorraine stood at the front of the classroom. All eyes on her. She had a natural gift of capturing people's attention, always had, and this was no different with these teenage students. She'd explained to them all about the Cancer Centre she was planning to open and that was going to be their business course work. At the end of the year and once the centre was open, one chosen student would have the opportunity to work at the centre, as Lorraine's apprentice. Skipping college & uni and short cutting straight into a lucrative career. This student would have to be exceptional to meet Lorraine's high standards.

"So what you all waiting for? Get on with it." Lorraine nodded with a smile. Proud of how motivated she had the students. Impressed with their enthusiasm.

The students all made a start on their plans, each group had an iPad each to use. These had come out of Lorraine's own pocket, Christine had been less than keen to use any of her budgets to buy them, and Lorraine saw them as an investment. She could use them in her centre once it was open... As long as they didn't get stolen before then, of course.

Lorraine opened her laptop to catch up on some emails while the class were busy. She found herself visiting adoption pages... As she had been doing for the past few weeks... She hadn't spoken to Nikki about it again. She hadn't dared. She hated arguing with her. It didn't mean the feelings had gone away though, if anything, she wanted a child now more than ever. The need grew stronger everyday. Before she knew it, she was filling in a form to request an eligibility application form to be sent to her. There was no harm in just having a look was there? Just in case. If Nikki ever did come around to the idea, which was doubtful, but Lorraine couldn't lose hope of this happening. If she did, she was worried what would happen between them...

Nikki was in the Staffroom. She had a free period and tons of marking to catch up on. She looked at the pile and sighed. This was her least favourite part of the job. She was secretly delighted when her phone rang, distracting her from it. She smiled when she saw Becky's name flash up on the screen.

"Becky, hi!" Nikki beamed down the phone excitedly. "Yeah we'll come and pick her up straight after school... Can't wait. See you later. Bye."

Cassie was feeling much better than the last time Lorraine had seen her and had been nagging her Mum to let her go and see Lorraine and Nikki to show them all of her Disney photo's. Becky had wanted to make sure she was up to it first though. Lorraine had been delighted when Becky had called to ask if they could watch Cassie for the evening while she caught up with an old friend. So had Nikki because unknown to Lorraine, she had a little surprise that she needed Cassie's help with...

"Good day?" Nikki leaned against Lorraine's car as Lorraine made her way towards her.

"Yeah, the kids are really getting into the project." Lorraine kissed Nikki as soon as she got close enough.

"You sound surprised?" Nikki frowned.

"Well... I thought they might take a little convincing." Lorraine shrugged.

"You kidding? They really respect you, Lo. Of course they're gonna jump at the chance to work with you." Nikki took Lorraine's heavy bag off her and threw it in the boot.

"You charmer." Lorraine winked as she climbed into the car next to Nikki.

"Becky called before. Cassie is really excited!" Nikki smiled.

"Aw me too. It's a shame she can't stay over though." Lorraine sighed disappointment in her voice.

"Yeah i know. Still though... I'll have you all to myself won't I?" Nikki snaked her arm around Lorraine and kissed her cheek.

"Yeah." Lorraine forced a smile. She knew Nikki was trying to make a point. If they had their own child then they wouldn't have chance to be alone as much. "Suppose."

Nikki noticed the less than enthusiastic reply and sat back in her seat as they drive to pick Cassie up. Lorraine turned the radio on and they didn't talk. Both knowing if they did it would come back to the same old argument. Lorraine trying unsuccessfully to convince Nikki that having a child would add to their happiness. Nikki hoped her surprise would cheer Lorraine up... Bring them closer together again and put off the inevitable arguments about them having a child...


	45. Chapter 44

Thank you for the reviews! This just seems to go on & on... So I can't believe anyone is even still reading it! x

"And this is Ariel... On the night parade float. That tails fake though, Lolly. Because I met her later on... Here..." Cassie flicked through her photo album excitedly. "See... And she still had the legs her Dads magic stick gave her. I told her she shouldn't have given up her mermaid tail just for a boy." Cassie rolled her eyes.

"And what did she say?" Lorraine giggled. Cassie was sitting on her knee. Nikki was in the kitchen getting tea ready. She seemed nervous but Lorraine just put it down to the fact they'd nearly argued again earlier on in the car.

"Well she just laughed... She didn't take it seriously. I much preferred Cinderella. She was more sensible. See..." Cassie flicked through to a picture of her hugging Cinderella.

"These are all really beautiful Cass. I'm so glad you had such a lovely time." Lorraine hugged Cassie tightly. Cassie turned to face Lorraine and held her face gently in both of her tiny hands.

"Thank you." Cassie's tongue poked through the gap in her teeth.

"What for?" Lorraine frowned.

"For the Disney trip..." Cassie smiled knowingly. "I didn't tell Mummy that I knew you gave it to her... But I'm not stupid, Lolly. I know you did"

"No. You're far from stupid." Lorraine laughed. Cassie was brighter than most of the students at Waterloo road.

"I want you to promise me something?" Cassie looked sad all of a sudden. Lorraine held her tiny hand.

"Anything." Lorraine nodded.

"You'll look after my Mummy. Make sure she's not too sad... If anything happens to me then she's on her own... You have NikNak. She doesn't have anyone." Cassie looked to the ground.

"Hey.." Lorraine stroked Cassie's forehead. "Nothing is going to happen to you."

"Promise me?" Cassie looked Lorraine straight in the eyes. With wisdom far beyond her years. An understanding passed between them.

"I promise." Lorraine smiled sadly. She felt like Cassie was trying to tell her something. She knew what, but she didn't want to admit it.

"Dinners ready!" Nikki called through from the dining room and suddenly Cassie's smile was back. Like the moment between her and Lorraine hadn't happened. She jumped off Lorraine's knee and ran through to where Nikki's voice was coming from. Lorraine watched her run off with a sad smile then got up and followed her.

"Wow, Nik, this all looks lovely!" Lorraine looked at the table Nikki had laid out. She'd really made an effort. Candles, heart shaped napkins and she'd used their best cutlery. The one they saved for special occasions.

"Only the best for my two girls." Nikki winked at Cassie who winked back with a big smile.

Nikki brought their meals through. A roast chicken dinner with all the trimmings. Lorraine cut all of Cassie's up for her and they all sat and ate together. Lorraine looked from Nikki to Cassie and her heart fluttered. They seemed like a real family. All Lorraine longed for. Cassie talked through the entire meal about Disneyland and how it was the best time of her life. Never letting on again that she knew Lorraine had arranged it. She wanted to keep up the pretence that it was all down to her Mummy. She'd only briefly mentioned it to Lorraine to say thank you. Only once, never to be mentioned again.

"You two love each other don't you?" Cassie looked from Lorraine to Nikki.

"Yeah. We do." Lorraine nodded and held Nikki's hand across the table.

"Nikki..." Cassie raised her eyebrows over dramatically and Nikki laughed then cleared her throat... Lorraine was amused but confused at the same time... Not sure what was going on.

"I love you so much Lo... You mean the absolute world to me. " Nikki squeezed her hand and Lorraine looked at Cassie who looked like she was about to burst with excitement and back to Nikki. It wasn't like Nikki to be so lovey dovey in front of her.

"I want to spend forever with you." Nikki had tears in her eyes.

"Forever and ever and ever and ever!" Cassie nodded as she shuffled next to Nikki holding something behind her back.

"Yeah... And ever ever." Nikki laughed and pulled a box out of her pocket. "Will you marry me?" Nikki opened the box to reveal a big sparkly pink ring.

"And..." Cassie pulled a piece of paper from behind her back. She'd drawn a picture of Lorraine, Nikki and her in a church and wrote in crayon 'Can I be bridesmaid?"

"Wow..." Lorraine gasped looking at the ring and Cassie's picture. She hasn't been expecting this. It was a massive shock. "Of course I will!" Lorraine kissed Nikki. "And of course you can." She stroked Cassie's face.

Nikki put the ring on Lorraine's finger with a relieved smile.

"Isn't it pretty, Lolly? I helped NikNak pick it." Cassie nodded proudly admiring the ring on Lorraine's finger.

"It's perfect." Lorraine looked into Nikki's eyes. "Thank you."

"We better get planning this wedding then eh?" Cassie opened up her notebook and started to scribble a list down. Lorraine and Nikki giggled as they watched her. "This is going to be the bestest wedding since Ariel and Eric."

Lorraine looked at Nikki. She was so happy, she really was, but she couldn't shake off a nagging voice in her head. She hoped Nikki hadn't only proposed to distract Lorraine from wanting a child. It had seemed like with Nikki refusing to adopt, and not so keen on going into business with Lorraine at the cancer centre, she was lacking commitment. Maybe this was Nikki's way of proving herself to Lorraine? Showing her that she had no doubts about them. The thing is though, Lorraine knew Nikki loved her, she knew they would spend the rest of their lives together. That wasn't the problem. The problem was the lack of compromise. If they didn't want the same things how were they going to be happy forever?

"What?" Nikki frowned with a small laugh when she noticed Lorraine staring at her.

"Nothing. I'm just really happy." Lorraine forced a smile.


	46. Chapter 45

Thank you for the reviews! this chapter has adult content... Just to warn you! x

Lorraine was driving back from dropping Cassie off home. After Cassie had left them a huge list of wedding ideas, obviously. And a picture of the kind of bridesmaid dress she wanted. All the way home in the car, Cassie had gushed about the wedding and how wonderful it was going to be. Lorraine loved seeing how excited she was about it but also wished she could share it. She couldn't get rid of that nagging little voice in her head, doubting the reasons why Nikki had asked her to marry her. It had been a gorgeous evening though, so Lorraine didn't want to spoil it by bringing it up with Nikki. She decided to drive the long way home. To try and silence the nagging voice in her head and sinking feeling in her stomach before she returned to Nikki.

When Lorraine got home, she plastered a smile on her face. She was happy. She just had to believe it. She walked into the living room and smiled at Nikki who was laying on the sofa, she'd lit the fire, put on music and had two glasses of wine on the table ready. It was lovely and cosy.

"Come here... Fiancé!" Nikki held her arms out and Lorraine fell on the sofa into her arms and lay next to her.

"Fiancé. Wow. I never thought I'd ever be that to anyone." Lorraine closed her eyes and snuggled closer into Nikki.

"Well you are." Nikki beamed, twisting the engagement ring around on Lorraine's finger. Lorraine opened her eyes and also looked at the shining pink diamond on her finger. It really was beautiful. "And by the look of Cassie's list, it's going to be one hell of a wedding!" Nikki giggled, stroking a piece of hair out of Lorraine's face and tucking it behind her ear.

"I loved that you got her here for the proposal, Nik. I really do." Lorraine lay her head on Nikki's chest.

"She means the world to both of us. Only seemed right that she was here... Anyway, once she'd helped me pick the ring, there would've been no way to keep her away! She was almost as excited as me." Nikki laughed.

"It's nice having her here, isn't it? I enjoy the three of us doing little things like a sitting around the table having dinner. Like a little family." Lorraine looked up at Nikki. Hoping to see a look of agreement. Praying she'd changed her mind about them having their own child.

"Yeah." Nikki just nodded with a small smile. "Speaking of family, shouldn't you call Sonya to tell her?" She quickly changed the subject. She was so happy and the night had been so perfect that she didn't want to spoil it by having the same argument they'd already had a million times.

"Yeah... I'll call her tomorrow..." Lorraine sighed and turned away from Nikki. Wanting to hide the disappointment on her face from her. Still holding on to Nikki's arms that were firmly wrapped around her.

"Oh don't sound too enthusiastic will you?" Nikki half joked.

"Sorry... I'm just tired. Plus I want to tell Sonya face to face. We'll invite her round tomorrow. Tell her together." Lorraine kissed Nikki's hand.

"That's a nice idea." Nikki planted soft kisses along Lorraine's neck. "It's a shame you're tired... I had plans for us this evening... Celebrate our engagement..." Nikki's knees were in the crook of Lorraine's as she spooned her. She let her hand run down the front of Lorraine's body slowly, teasingly skimming her breasts and rested it gently in between Lorraine's legs.

"Never too tired for you." Lorraine whispered as she seductively parted her legs a little. Inviting Nikki to work her magic.

Nikki pressed up against Lorraine's back as she let her hand slide down inside Lorraine's pants. Lorraine turned her head and let their lips collide as she got more and more breathless. Her tongue crashing against Nikki's speeding up the rhythm of the kiss in time with the motion of Nikki's hand that was taking her to a place where she wanted to be. A place where nothing else mattered but her, Nikki and that moment. No one had ever made Lorraine scream in ecstasy the way Nikki could.

"I fucking love you!" Lorraine spoke as her whole body shuddered with delight. Nikki pulled her close to hug her tightly. Thinking they might fall asleep together. But Lorraine had other ideas as she rolled over to sit on top of Nikki, straddling her, her knees either side of Nikki's hips, she kissed her hard on the lips then shuffled down the sofa to unbutton Nikki's jeans and slowly peel them off. She wanted to show Nikki her gratitude, how much she loved her, and how happy she was. As her lips moved in between Nikki's legs, she did. Nikki closed her eyes and arched her back, gently guiding Lorraine to where she wanted her, and Lorraine happily obliged. Smiling into Nikki as she heard her scream her name.


	47. Chapter 46

"Thanks for inviting us round, Sis!" Sonya beamed as Lorraine opened the door.

"Oh... I didn't realise you were bringing someone..." Lorraine narrowed her eyes to see who was lurking behind Sonya. "Zeb... Nice to see you again. Even nicer that you're fully clothed this time." Lorraine raised her eyebrows, her eyes twinkling with amusement at Zeb's crimson cheeks.

"Brought me trunks this time innit." He nodded, looking at the floor.

Lorraine rolled her eyes at the assumption she'd let them in her pool again but just stepped aside to let them both in.

"Oooh this all looks lovely!" Sonya admired the table Nikki had laid out.

"I better set another place..." Nikki looked at Zeb and to Lorraine. Lorraine held her hands up defensively to let Nikki know she hadn't invited him. Nikki just laughed and went back to cooking in the kitchen.

"Sorry... Should've said. Just thought you'd realise we come as a package now." Sonya placed her hand proudly on Zeb's shoulder and kissed his cheek as if marking her territory. "so what's all this in aid of then?" Her attention was back on Lorraine, suspiciously eyeing her Sister to see if she was giving anything away. Sonya knew there must be something going on, it wasn't like Lorraine to just invite her around.

"We've got something to tell you... I'll wait for Nikki though." Lorraine winked. Loving keeping Sonya in suspense. She knew it would be driving her crazy.

"Actually... We've got something to tell you too... Haven't we babe?" Sonya nudged Zeb.

"Nah... Thought we were gonna wait until I told me Mam?" Zeb sucked his teeth. Something Lorraine wished he'd stop doing.

"Yeah well we're not now. I wanna tell Lorraine and Nikki first." Sonya shrugged. Lorraine smiled at her little Sister. Enjoying watching her take control. Something Lorraine had always encouraged in her as she had a tendency to let other people, especially boyfriends, walk all over her.

Lorraine's smile fell when it crossed her mind that maybe Sonya and Zeb had got engaged too... Surely not? They'd only been together five minutes... Oh God, what if Sonya insisted on a joint wedding? Lorraine wasn't sure she could cope with that. No. That wouldn't be it. Sonya's known for making mountains out of molehills, it's probably something irrelevant like they've decided to stop shagging other people and be exclusive... Or she's given him a key to her flat... Or they'd booked their first mini break together.

"Earth to Lorraine..." Sonya waved a hand in front of her face quickly snapping her out of her thoughts. "I said... What we eating?"

"Oh sorry... Erm curry I think." Lorraine blinked.

"Got her well trained haven't you?" Sonya winked towards the kitchen where Nikki was busy cooking.

"We'll you know what my cooking skills are like, Son. Nikki enjoys it." Lorraine smiled.

"Bet you more than make up for it in other departments though innit?" Zeb looked Lorraine up and down. Lorraine frowned. No. They definitely weren't engaged.

"Oi! You wanna perv on someone, you perv on me!" Sonya dug Zebs ribs with her elbow forcefully.

Lorraine just sighed and shook her head. Even more grateful for Nikki than she was already. She'd come across many 'Zebs' in her time and had absolutely no intention of ever doing it ever again.

"There you go..." Nikki brought the plates through.

"Thanks gorgeous. Smells delicious." Lorraine stroked Nikki's back lovingly before sitting beside her.

"So... Come on then?" Sonya looked from Lorraine to Nikki excitedly before putting a forkful of curry into her mouth.

"You go first." Lorraine winked at Sonya. She didn't want her to feel stupid telling them her small surprise after them saying their massive engagement one.

"Well..." Sonya swallowed her curry and bit her lip nervously. "We're pregnant."

"What?" Lorraine whispered. Surely she'd heard wrong...

"Well she is... I'm not. Obviously." Zeb nodded. Mistaking the shock on Lorraine's face for confusion.

"You're pregnant?" Lorraine's voice was soft but her face emotionless.

"Yeah.., I thought you'd be happy?" Sonya looked upset. Wanting reassurance from her big Sister that it was ok. Not realising that Lorraine's heart was silently breaking. Her little Sister was getting the one thing she wanted the most. A baby.

"Of course she is..." Nikki squeezed Lorraine's hand gently. "We both are." Nikki smiled widely. Trying to compensate for the lack of reaction from Lorraine.

"Yeah... Sorry... Congratulations!" Lorraine forced a smile and made her way around the table to hug a relieved Sonya and an over the moon Zeb.

"So that's our little bombshell... Your turn." Sonya's eyes were wide with excitement.

Nikki looked at Lorraine expectantly. Lorraine's eyes were firmly fixed on Sonya's stomach. Wondering if she stared hard enough would she get to see the miracle happening inside her? The beautiful life forming. The one thing she'd never get to experience herself...

"Lo?" Nikki nudged her gently.

"You tell them." Lorraine smiled. A smile that wasn't quite reaching her eyes. This didn't go unnoticed by a disappointed Nikki but she smiled anyway.

"We're getting married!" Nikki gushed, holding Lorraine's hand out to show them the ring.

"Oh... My... God!" Sonya shrieked. "That's gorgeous! Oh I'm so happy for you both!"

"Thanks. We're made up." Nikki held Lorraine's hand.

"Lorraine might want to tell her face that..." Zeb frowned at Lorraine who was still emotionless. Still staring at her sisters stomach. Eyes green with jealousy.

"Of course we are." Lorraine smiled and kissed Nikki's hand. Nikki studied Lorraine's face. She knew her better than anyone. She knew what was going through her mind. She knew this would all come out later when they were alone. Most of all... she knew she needed a drink.

"Hurry up and plan it soon though eh? Before I get too fat for a dress." Sonya poured and rubbed her stomach protectively. Lorraine narrowed her eyes, if she was pregnant, getting fat would not even cross her mind. She'd be far too ecstatic. She hated that Sonya was taking it for granted. But not as much as she hated herself for feeling so jealous...


	48. Chapter 47

Wow thanks for the updates!

Lorraine slumped on the sofa with a large glass of wine. She'd just let Sonya and Zeb out and all the fake smiling and hiding her jealousy had worn her out.

Nikki was banging around in the kitchen. The rest of the evening had been good but Lorraine knew Nikki was annoyed with her. She could sense it by the way her eyes were boring into the side of Lorraine's head. She should have looked up and given her a reassuring smile but she couldn't. She couldn't tear her eyes away from her little Sister. She didn't want to. For the first time in her life, Lorraine wished she could swap places with Sonya. She might have all the money she could ever dream of but what did that mean? Nothing. It couldn't get her the things she most wanted in life. It couldn't make her Mum better, it couldn't cure Cassie and it wouldn't get her a baby. It didn't get her Nikki, the most precious thing in her life. So really what was the point?

"You just gonna sit there?" Nikki marched into the living room hands on hips. Her mouth twitching slightly as she tried her best to not show how upset she was.

"I'm tired Nik. Come and sit with me." Lorraine patted the leather cushion next to her on the sofa.

"I've worked hard all day Lo. To make tonight special for you. For your Sister. For our engagement. The least you could do is help me clean the fuck up!" Nikki narrowed her eyes, tiredness in her voice. Slurred slightly from all the wine. No matter how many glasses she'd drank as she finished each one and studied Lorraine's face, it was showing no signs of her being happy. None at all. She'd bitten her lip while Sonya was there though, not wanting to argue with Lorraine in front of her Sister.

"I'll do it tomorrow, I told you that." Lorraine shook her head. She knew as well as Nikki did that this wasn't about her not cleaning up. "And don't offer to cook if you don't want to. If you're going to throw it back in my face like that!"

"Don't say your'll marry me if you're going to throw that back in my face then." Nikki spat the words out that had been stuck in her throat all evening.

"When did I?" Lorraine shrugged. Not looking at Nikki. She was far too tired for this shit.

"As soon as Sonya told you she was pregnant, you couldn't have looked less interested in our engagement if you tried. Hell, even stoned Zeb showed more excitement!" Nikki sat down on the chair. Creating a visible distance between them. Lorraine just sipped her wine.

"See you're not even trying to deny it." Nikki shook her head. More and more anger dripping off each word. "I'm giving you everything I can, Lo. We've moved in together, we're getting married... If that's not enough for you then maybe... Maybe neither am I." Nikki shrugged looking at Lorraine. Waiting for a reaction. Silently hoping Lorraine wouldn't confirm it. Would disagree with her, they'd make up and she could kiss the lips that were saying nothing...

"Maybe not." Lorraine sighed.

"So what? You'd rather just get back into guys... The easier option for you. The sure fire way to get a baby...?" Nikki shrugged.

"Get back into guys?" Lorraine frowned. "Have you heard how ridiculous you sound? I've never been interested in guys... Or other woman. I've never been interested in anyone but you. I've told you that."

"You told me a lot of things. Like that this wouldn't ever come between us. Nothing would. You said that." Nikki had tears in her eyes. Lorraine couldn't tell if they were tears of anger or upset. Either way she didn't like them. She hated seeing Nikki cry.

"I know I did..." Lorraine knelt in front of the chair Nikki was sitting on and cupped her face in her hands. "I can't help the way I feel though... I really can't. I love you and I don't want to lose you." Lorraine's face was now also tear stained as she looked into Nikki's devastated eyes.

"But?" Nikki swallowed hard.

"But... I need to have a child Nikki. If I don't then I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I know I will." Lorraine stroked Nikki's face wiping the tears away. "Can you at least say you'll think about it? Please?"

"And if I don't change my mind. What then?" Nikki pulled back slightly from Lorraine who looked to the ground. "I said what then?" Her voice loud and demanding an answer. One Lorraine couldn't give. Maybe she could but didn't even want to hear the words coming out of her mouth.

"Marvelous. Cheers for the reassurance, babe." Nikki spat sarcastically and put her jacket on.

"Where you going? We still need to talk!" Lorraine held onto the jacket but Nikki pulled away.

"No. Right now I need space for a few hours. I'm going the pub." Nikki scrambled around to find her keys. "Don't wait up!" She slammed the door and was gone. Leaving Lorraine alone wishing she'd handled the situation differently. At the same time angry that Nikki was also going back on her word. She'd promised to do everything to Make Lorraine happy... Lorraine hasn't realized there were conditions to this. See that's something you can only ever experience through having a child. Unconditional love.

Nikki walked down to the pub as fast as she could. Kicking stones out of her way and pulling her jacket tighter around herself to protect her from the crisp wind. Didn't stop it from hitting her face though, drying the tears that were falling. She was already very tipsy from all the wine so more alcohol was the last thing she needed...

"JD and coke please?" She ordered one anyway as soon as she got inside the warm pub. Being away from Lorraine wasn't what she needed either but that was happening. Having a child wasn't what she needed but had caused this in the first the whole evening should be about what she doesn't need.

"Nik!"

Nikki turned around, relieved to hear a familiar voice in the crowded pub. Then right on cue, Lola was waving and making her way over...,


End file.
